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Teenagers

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Original poster

13yo DD lost virginity

405 replies

Completelydevastated · 02/11/2025 18:24

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

OP posts:
Lullabycrickets23 · 02/11/2025 20:37

DailyEnergyCrisis · 02/11/2025 18:28

If this is true, you are the issue here- can’t help but make it all about you.

Also, being ‘slim’ doesn’t make you immune from having poor MH. Even if you’re also intelligent and beautiful.

Exactly this!

HangingOver · 02/11/2025 20:37

Oh noooo OP, I understand why you're so upset but this is exactly how my DM would have reacted and precisely why I never told her ANYthing even as an adult.

SendhelpToddlerBoy566 · 02/11/2025 20:40

Wow. Instead of showing concern for her and talking to her, you have blown it completely out of proportion and made it all about you.

No wonder she has MH issues if this is what her family is like.

InMyOpenOnion · 02/11/2025 20:41

This is a time when as a parent, you need to be the adult. Two vulnerable teenagers have had sex at a young age. Have your rants and freaking out away from your DD, not at her. She needs support if she's ever going to trust you again.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/11/2025 20:41

ThejoyofNC · 02/11/2025 20:18

My thoughts exactly. Jesus Christ some of these replies are unbelievable, people are talking like it's practically inevitable.

Show quote history

No. People are saying it's reasonable to be upset but the OP has made it worse by over reacting.

Mcoco · 02/11/2025 20:41

I feel sorry for both you and your daughter. I too would feel absolutely devastated she is far too young to be having sex. I haven't got any answers for you but just keep talking to her and support her through this. I doubt she is pregnant as she is on the pill. But sending you a hug 🫂

LadyInRainbow · 02/11/2025 20:43

Of course you can be shocked and horrified, I say this as a parent to a 14 yo. But some times we have to hide our feelings or tone them down to protect our relationships. Well done OP on showing your daughter that you aren’t safe, great way to send her running towards him.

Fargo79 · 02/11/2025 20:43

You have told your mentally ill 13 year old that your relationship with her is now changed, and that her family is falling apart and it's her fault? Fucking hell. That's so abusive and cruel.

Stop the melodrama and the main character syndrome. There are two vulnerable children here making poor decisions that are putting themselves at risk. It's not about you. Be an adult and deal with it in an appropriate way.

LadyInRainbow · 02/11/2025 20:43

Also she’s on the pill you are blowing the risk of pregnancy totally out of proportion

SharpFox · 02/11/2025 20:44

If this has only just happened, cant you get her the morning after pill? It's far from ideal, but your reaction hasn't helped your relationship with her. And how does the whole school know?

Niallig32839 · 02/11/2025 20:44

I understand being upset but she told you and seems to have confided in you a lot about her relationship with him, her first kiss, things he’s saying to her etc. I would have never discussed any of this with my parents at 13 or older. You need to keep the lines of communication open with her and be supportive in whatever way she needs you. Otherwise she will start to lie, sneak around and not confide in her mental health issues, relationship issues or anything else. Teenagers are tough and make poor decisions but would you rather know or for her to keep it to herself? The way you have reacted to this might mean she won’t confide in you more so you have work to do to build the relationship back

ThisLivelyRaven · 02/11/2025 20:46

I really feel your child! Please get yourself some help as from your post it’s sounds like you really need some!

Your daughter already has mental health issues and has took an OD and from your post if this reaction is normal for you, I am seriously concerned for your daughter! It does sound like social services will get involved now as the young boys foster parents have a duty to report it! Hopefully they will be able to help support you and your daughter, as it’s sounds like intervention is needed to ensure your daughter has a stable healthy home life!

Please please remember she is a vunerable 13 year old who confided in you and you have blown this up and made her feel ashamed and dirty! I think you need to look at what you can do to lessen the damage you have caused!! I would start with an apology and say you completely over reacted and apologise for saying this has changed your relationship and tell her that was cruel and untrue and you don’t (and hope this limits the damage you have done to your daughter by this)

Please please get yourself help, so you can be in a better position to support your daughter in a healthier and stable manor.

Lilactimes · 02/11/2025 20:47

Completelydevastated · 02/11/2025 18:24

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Dear @Completelydevastated - I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Please try not to despair ❤️ A close friend of mine had a similar thing with her DD. Police were involved as it was filmed by her “boyfriend”. There was no remorse and their relationship deteriorated so badly.
Somethings that got her through was getting her DD a therapist; my friend leant heavily on her friends so that she had strength to be as calm as possible in front of the DD, letting her upset out outside of the home. Her DD is now in Uni and they’re really close. Xx

Toddlerteaplease · 02/11/2025 20:50

Are you sure she hasn’t been pressured into this. You say the boyfriend is very needy. Sounds like she is asking for help.

Zanatdy · 02/11/2025 20:51

My mum reacted badly when I told her I was pregnant at 16, very badly. And despite the fact she provided so much help with my baby over the following 30yrs, I’ll never forget or forgive the way she reacted or tried to emotionally blackmail me into a termination. When parents over react, their DC stop confiding in them.

Missj25 · 02/11/2025 20:51

dairydebris · 02/11/2025 18:32

You told your vulnerable 13 year old daughter that this would change your relationship?

Youve no reason to suspect she's pregnant either.

You need to take a breath and calm down. You've somehow made this all about you.

Go find her right now and apologize for over reacting, and start healing the damage you've done.

Then you can talk about why this isn't ok and the reasons why. But go to her right now and start smoothing things over.

Yes agreed ..
She came to you & confided in you & you blew up !
You know she has mental health issues so why the fuck would you turn on her like that ??? . You’re her MOM !!!!, I’m sorry if that sounds mean , but to her , that’s what happened, she came to you & you turned on her ..
I know you love her OP , but to cut weekend short & make her feel alienated , like come on ..
Anyway , I didn’t come on here to make you feel bad , but you do have to go to her straight away & really fix things with her x

Carpedimum · 02/11/2025 20:52

Sorry @Completelydevastated you are handling this all wrong and making the whole situation worse your daughter. Her self-esteem is on the floor and that’s why she’s ended up with this lad who is controlling and exploiting her vulnerability. She’s crying out for your love and support, not your dramatic overreaction. She is very unlikely to be pregnant, but if she is, it is very easily sorted and will be nothing more than a bad period. She needs demonstrative love and not any shame whatsoever. She needs to feel that you don’t think she’s ‘bad’ or anything negative. She’s not ruined her life, or yours or your husbands so stop making it out like a massively awful stain on the family. It is a red flag for you that she needs to be steered into activities that build her self esteem and she can learn to look after herself better.
I would also point her to a counsellor she can trust to find out what happened when she was 6 or 7, that’s the key to her mental health and how she values herself. Don’t ask her outright, she will just keep it buried.

Dogaredabomb · 02/11/2025 20:52

Fuxake, calm down Margaret.

PennyRest · 02/11/2025 20:53

You poor thing OP, you must have been so shocked. I don’t blame you for feeling incredibly upset and worried. That often translates into anger- Mums are only other people after all. We don’t always react perfectly.
Saying that though, she will need you. I’m sure by now you’ve got further down the road in talking about this. Morning after was a good shout by pp and a reminder about condoms etc. And maybe going for an indoor location!

DeemonLlama · 02/11/2025 20:54

dementedpixie · 02/11/2025 18:28

I think you have overreacted in the way you've spoken to her. Why would you cut your weekend short? If shes taking a contraceptive pill shes unlikely to be pregnant (luckily) and hopefully no STIs would be involved due to the age of both of them.

Agree. Thought maybe time for a heart to heart with DD with honesty and no blame, setting some ground rules and expectations on which to move forward rather than a massively dramatic family meltdown?

opencecilgee · 02/11/2025 20:56

why did you leave your 13 year old alone for the weekend?

Mrsgreen100 · 02/11/2025 20:56

OMG you are her parent not her best friend, I can’t believe you said you were hurt by this. You need to get parenting support her gently and lovingly not berate her and be angry with her. You’re just gonna push her further further away. Check your behaviour otherwise you’ll lose your daughter. She needs your love and support and gentle guidance.

monkeybag123 · 02/11/2025 20:57

I went through something similar with my son a few years ago and although I felt crushed inside I listened , told him I loved him and said along as we stick together it will all work out. Thankfully it did and we are fine but im sure there will be more testing times that will need me again to keep my personal feelings to one side and put my sons first . You really need to let your daughter know that your her support and that you love her before its too late , good luck

BoringBarbie · 02/11/2025 21:01

Good grief, no wonder she has poor mental health if this is the level of emotional regulation the adults in her life are showing. Get her a pregnancy test and an STI screen and talk to her about safe sex, and stop making this more dramatic than it needs to be.

ItWasTheBabycham · 02/11/2025 21:03

if she’s on the pill and had sex once what on earth makes you think she might be pregnant? Also - what protections did you put in place for her when going out with him? Chaperoning, making sure they were going out with a group of friends etc?
you need to calm yourself down.

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