13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

"No boyfriends before you turn 16" is sometimes a good rule to bring up when they're 11 or 12.

The attention he gave her must have been hard to resist, particularly as she has poor mental health. He’s probably practiced at making people like him, as a survival mechanism.

What surprises me is his attention also outweighed her sense of social etiquette - outdoor sex is not the way most young teen girls lose their virginity. The risk of being caught and shamed is real. She must have been so vulnerable.

You say she started with mental ill health age 6/7. What was she like at age 5? Can you identify an event that impacted her? I hope she has a good therapist to talk to.

You said your relationship would change, this hurt her, so in response she said you didn’t have a relationship anyway to hurt you back.

I’m trying not to bash you because hopefully by now you’ve realised you fucked up. I feel so sorry for your daughter because she really needed you and you made her feel like shite. I felt so alienated from my parents because I could never have talked to them about anything.

She said the only reason she is still around is because they are in debt and once they arent she is gone. Im sure the dd senses her mother doesnt want to be around her

I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

Spoil her fun! Seriously OP. These statements - which your 13 year old child reported to you presumably for a reason - maybe for help --should have been HUGE red flags. My kids didn't "date" at 13 but my son's best friend did. His mum found it an enormous pain in the ass because she could never leave them in the house alone and would insist any "dates" or any time they met was under supervision.

You missed the boat here completely and I wonder if that is why you are so angry with your child. Maybe you know you should be angry at yourself and her dad for leaving her free to get into this situation.

Stop everything. Stop expressing all your emotion to your daughter. Stop telling her she blew up her family. Get a grip and figure out a way forward. You are only at the beginning of the teenage years and you have a vulnerable child (I also had one with MH issues - it is hard)

It is shocking/awful/terrible to realise that your 13 year old had unprotected sex in the open - I feel your pain. But you are the adult here. Start being an adult.

That's a really nasty way to react to your daughter telling you something serious. Do you think she'll come you next time she needs advi or help?
You've made it all about you, which is it not.
Yes, she may be pregnant which would be awful, but it's not because she hates you.
She took an OD recently and this is how you're treating her. The poor child.
I do not mean this in a nasty way, but I think you need help more than she does.

She's emotional - to the point she needs help managing this.

I would be shocked and horrified too @Completelydevastated but you need to be there for her not on at her because you can't turn back time, what's done is done.

Telling her she can't see her BF will likely drive her away and their relationship underground.

She has poor MH, this will be adding burden to that. You sound like you have poor MH too - it happens when your focus is on supporting someone else and you forget about you. If you were in a strong MH position, you would have reacted more rationally.

Please I say this with your best interests in mind, talk, listen and think things through. Agree a way forward don't dictate it.

Stop everything. Stop expressing all your emotion to your daughter. Stop telling her she blew up her family. Get a grip and figure out a way forward.

This op.

I'd be devastated too, but you have to act in your dd's interests.

This is hugely inappropriate over-reaction. You're lashing out in anger and making her closed off.

Losing your virginity is a vulnerable time, and she has done so with a problem boy and way too young. How you respond to this will determine if this is a life-ruining event or not. You may have already permanently damaged your relationship with her by making this all about your "devastation" about her intimate choices.

Yes it was a bad decision, and you must stop it from happening again. The boy sounds like nothing but trouble, and you're right to stop them from seeing each other.

Other than that, get her a pregnancy test, tell her that being on the pill is not fully affective and that teenage girls get pregnant incredibly easily, and that abortion shouldn't be used as contraception.

Good evening, all.

We're popping in with a reminder that Mumsnet is here for the purpose of supporting other parents - please do post with that in mind, and consider that often people post threads here when they are most in need of support, during difficult times.

Well I think if we all needed a demonstration on what not to do in this situation, you've really provided that.

You have nuked your relationship with your daughter. You need to do some serious damage control, bth this is going to affect her feelings about you the rest of your lives. You've shown you cannot be trusted to support her at all.

It’s highly unlikely she’s pregnant as a) she’s on the pill and b) they’d have to of had sex around the time she was ovulating. Combining the two means it’s highly highly unlikely she’s pregnant

These are the situations where you really need to act, rather than shout and catastrophise. Easier said than done, of course.

First, a pregnancy test, then if necessary the morning after pill (if soon enough) or GP if not.

Next, I’d be concerned about why she told you, so would want to check in with her. Is she ok with how it happened or does she have misgivings?

The last thing I would do is ban/alienate the boyfriend. But I would be having a serious chat about safe, consensual sex in appropriate places. There’s a reason 13 year olds don’t have lots of places to have sex, and that’s cos they’re not responsible adults living independently yet.

OP, I wonder why you are so horrified? 13 is young but teenagers do have sex. Does she seem especially young for her age? Vulnerable? Is it the deception? Is she your youngest, oldest? Did your parents have very strong views on sex?

Is this for real?

Being worried/ disappointed is understandable but the things you said to her were awful

Calm down - I’d be surprised if she ever confided anything to you ever again.

Treat her gently. This is a huge shock, take the time out to calm down.

Stop treating her like she's done something despicable that will change how you see her, how awful! You should have taken her straight to get the morning after pill. You should have taken her for an emergency therapy appointment. Then to an STD clinic. But given the fact that she managed to OD at 12 years old and lose her virginity in broad daylight at 13 years old, and your response was to make it all about you, I'm not surprised that you couldn't manage to react appropriately here either. Get yourself therapy asap. Get yourself lessons on how to parent young teens.

I didn't have sex with a boy that actually I really loved at 13 because I had had it drilled into me that good girls don't have sex.
Instead I lost my virginity to a boy I didn't even really like at 16 or 17 because by then I didn't see why not to

I'm now 45 and wish my memory was of a boy I really really liked and had a connection with and was mad about despite the age

I’m the first to complain about posters piling in to criticise but I have to agree with all those who have said that your reaction was far from ideal.
I don’t deny that if I was the parent here I wouldn’t have been cross but to say your whole world collapsed and liken it to a grenade being thrown into the family seems well over the top and not at all supportive of your daughter. Please try to see the positives in her telling you what happened. It won’t have just been down to the fact that she thought you’d find out from others.
Before I’d got to the end of your post alarm bells had started to ring for me when you mentioned all the boy’s red flags, and that despite being worried you didn’t want to spoil their fun. I’m not saying that I would have forbidden her to see him but I would have absolutely had a conversation about the negatives of having sex at such a young age. It may not have stopped her but I’d like to think it might just have prevented her first sexual experience from being as you explained. Unprotected sex outdoors in broad daylight sounds more a case of him wanting to get his end away (sorry for being so blunt) and whilst I’m assuming he didn’t force her into doing it, she deserved so much better than this.
I’ve no experience of the teenage years other than my own but from what I’ve been told my behaviour wasn’t always the best and I often said things I didn’t mean. I’m sure your daughter doesn’t hate you but she may well hate how you reacted to something that can’t now be undone. What happens next has to be down to you (and her dad) and given her mental health problems perhaps some further outside help to boost her self esteem if it’s available.
It’s very easy for us all to say you need to chill out but it’s obvious from your last paragraph that you have been greatly affected by what has happened. The very worst thing you could do would be to walk away. Despite what you may think your daughter needs you to be on her side now

There’s a big difference between your reaction and taking that reaction out on a child. OP has every right to be horrified but her actions are really poor.

This
I'm not underestimating the enormity of your pain and anger OP but going to boy's Foster home wasn't the best choice.
Sending you strength

I think this is fake.

Well she won’t be telling you anything from now on OP!

Fucking hell. what an overreaction! 😮