DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

I'd not say the law is free of misogyny. Would you?

I would also ask the school why they think your son would lie about such a thing too. Don't they consider that really strange? Kids don't usually just make this stuff up out of the blue. I take it he is usually honest.

Completely agree. Thank you for stating it so clearly.

😬Not sure why Op's son would have wanted to 'join in'

Her son was exposed to it too. Of course he can report it.

That's the worst of a whole series of bad takes from you on this thread.

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure any teenage boy can make a video of himself jerking off and send it to unconsenting recipients.

I do. Particularly with people on the spectrum. When they "got" the activity enough to be and feel included, they didn't feel the need to report it. It didn't prick their strong sense of justice because they have internal reasons for justifying the act.

Unfortunately, any secondary school will be rife with this sort of thing. Put teenagers and smart phones together and it happens....

While those who are saying it is illegal are correct, the police are extremely unlikely to do anything about it in practice when it is between a "couple" amd the female is telling them it didn't happen/is OK....

School's response may depend on if it's a first offence, if the boy shows remorse, etc. They ought to be concerned the masturbation and filing took place on site - where? Could younger kids have witnessed it? If it's a boarding school it's a bit different - kids will of course masturbate at those (though they shouldn't film it!)

Though I wouldn't say this if dealing with the incident professionally, privately I am not 100% sure if your ds did the "right thing" or not. He took the right away from the young woman who received the text, to deal with it as she preferred. I understand why he did this, but also he has potentially endangered her, if for example her boyfriend is abusive and becomes angry with her that she showed the vid to your ds in the first place. In general I think it's all too common for men to take autonomy away from women.... Having said that I do see that he may have felt he was keeping her safe in some way.

I highly doubt all kids will suddenly hate him for doing this. Many will object themselves to the sending of these unsolicited nudes/vids, and will see his point.

When I dealt with similar incidents in previous roles, there tended to be little support for the offenders among the students who were involved. It wasn't uncommon for kids to do what your DS has done actually. Especially when kids sent videos and not "just" a pic - they seemed to feel, bizarrely, that a dick pic was OK but a video was a bridge too far..... (God I do worry what such easy access to tech has done to these kids sexual boundaries.....But too late to turn back the tide now, so we have to teach them now to navigate the flood safely instead).

It was good enough to say twice anyway!

Oh, I spoke too soon. This is an even worse take.

How in the world are laws designed to protect children from featuring in or receiving images of child sexual abuse "misogyny"?

But to a girlfriend? That means someone youve bonded enough to agree to a relationship. That's an act that requires some amount of social awareness and people skills that some on the spectrum aren't capable of, especially at 15.

The law is misogynistic in several ways. Not least the way it treats victims to the extent it is quite often less harmful for the victim if they avoid the input of law enforcement of any kind. That isn't a radical take.

If you were in the UK it would be a police matter. It still might be where you are.

Your DS absolutely did the right thing.

I think contact the school and see where they go. The girl's parents need to know about this as do the parents of the two boys.

Tell your DS he did that right thing, but sometimes there are consequences that are not fair, which is why so many people find it hard to do the right thing.

Not to mention what the boys were doing in the school's toilets. Even without involving the girl it went over and above normal 14 year old behaviour to me.

You can bond all you like but taking and sharing illicit under age content is illegal in the UK.

Doing so on school grounds is sleazy and pathetic.

Thankfully most schools in England have a no phone policy these days so less risk of being witness to such nonsensical content.

That's a real loss, eh? Not having any way to induce your friend to film you masturbating in the school toilets and then send it to your poor, unsuspecting 14 yo girlfriend.

OP's son must really feel the sting of that loss.

😂

If you've run out of ways to dicuss the topic, please don't resort to personal attacks. It really lowers the tone of the "room" as well as my impression of you as a well rounded and intelligent human being.

You can just bow out.

You also told us in an earlier post that your interactions at work with another member of staff were reported for ‘misogynistic’ reasons, intimating that the reporter was jealous. I think l’d stop posting now if l were you because it’s becoming clear that you’re projecting your own experience, which is by no means universal, to support the covering up of what is quite plainly CSA.

The point is that it is quite possible the son acted out of envy than benefit for the victim.

Good point about the girl's parents They don't seem to have voice in this. The school definitely should be contacting them.

You should congratulate your son on knowing right from wrong and crucially being brave enough to act on it. If more teenage boys (and in fact, grown men) were like him the world would be a better place.

This and you tell the school this, along with the fact DS has no reason to make this story up and the school need to be protecting students who behave in the appropriate way. Society has become so normalised to protecting bad behaviour

It's teenagers interacting. Let the "victim" decide whether they have been victimised..

Imagine getting to adulthood and feeling sad that there are no videos of your 14 year old self wanking in the school toilets still circulating somewhere on the internet because you were such a misfit you had no girlfriend to make them for and send them to.

Oh no, wait, that's not something that has ever happened, is it?