DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

What a vile comment.

Its more like you get to adulthood and realise you've never had a girlfriend because your peers can't relate to you and don't trust you.

Such warped way of thinking. Envious of sleazy pathetic and illegal content? 😂

He is also the victim as has been stated many times.

Also how does it matter what his inner most motive was? He did the right thing.
His mother says he is conscientious, I'll go with that.

If the peers didn’t support the reporting of CSA they’re no loss to DS.

Am I the only person who read in the OP’s second post that other children, aside from the girlfriend, saw the video? So, we have the public masturbator, the boy who filmed it, the girlfriend, the OP’s son, plus some other children, all involved. This is not some sexual experimentation between young consenting partners and even if it was , it would still be highly troubling. This girl is very vulnerable - she’s a child of 14, has a horrible home life and already has a history of being treated badly by boys (whatever that that actually means). I’m flabbergasted that some posters seem so blasé about this abuse.

Envious of the ability to form relationships where things like sexual interactions and contact can occur.

Bloody hell. You remind me of the kind of men who tell women they're too ugly to be raped.

These will be different peers but his inability to form trusting relationships with his peers where he doesnt always think his judgements and principles trump their autonomy will still be an issue.

No i am just a woman who is accustomed to the ulterior motives of kindly seeming men.

Yes. Another boy actually filmed it so was complicit. The girl opened the video in public and DS saw some of the content as he was sitting next to her, as did other children present nearby. So more than one victim and DS was definitely one of them, so absolutely entitled to report.

Anyhows, we see you. Bye 👋

how many victims are in this situation? surely two people witnessed this short clip of video so there are two victims and one of them kept quite and the other reported the video

But you don't see the point of letting the victim lead the response to their own victim hood. Such a shame.

Using that logic, if OP's son had reported someone getting another student blind drunk and then having sex with them whilst they were unconscious, would he be acting out of 'envy', because no-one bothered to get HIM paralytically drunk and rape him?

The one time one of my teens did the right thing (reporting serious self harm by another 14 year old pupil to staff) she got a world of trouble back. The slightly deranged girl then made false mad untrue accusations against Dd. Honestly no good deed unpunished. Dd now stays out of everything her white knight says are over.

He and several other kids saw it. Presumably the person or people who filmed it owned up to it if your son knows who they were (so it existed whether deleted or not).
There is a safeguarding element to consider relevant to whoever was shown this from whatever source due to the setting being in school. Not just this girl.
From late primary school onwards, I know my DC has had several assemblies spelling out that filming and distributing something is taken extremely seriously because of the content being the key for how to approach it, not the age or maturity of the person creating or distributing it. It would be very unusual if they were not already aware of this.

No, but nor would I assume he was behaving purely altruistically either

She is not the only victim, Op's son is too. he did great, well done, wish more boys were like him. HTH.
Also the girls sounds highly vulnerable.

I wouldnt be surprised if after this, the girl is the one who receives the worst punishment.

I cannot believe the posters who are saying the OP's son, at 14, is a victim for seeing someone masturbating. 14 year old boys will already be masturbating and most likely to porn themselves. Are they also victims when they watch easily accessible porn? Good Lord!

HOW on earth are you trying to compare someone seeing a boy masturbating, to someone getting raped. They are not comparable in any circumstance, as you know.

No l think it’s more likely that you’re attempting to apply misogyny where it doesn’t exist. You’re projecting your own perception onto DS - you don’t even know him and you’re suggesting he reported because he was jealous. That’s misandry, pure and simple..

It's amazing how often both victims and perpetrators try the "you're just jealous" card when anyone else expresses concern.

I really hope you don't have any responsibility for any young person. Your thinking is clearly warped if you would help cover up CSA rather than actually act to stop it.

It was said that she had a rough home life and had bad relationships with boys before so there is likely to be vulnerability there.

I'd rather support victims how they want to be supported