DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

Protect your son, go to school and insist they have a way to ensure his safety. They need to talk to the students about consent, explicit content and so on. Not just a talk but workshops that make them experience a degree of the shame involved.

@IcyBob Could you ds take part in a youth cadet programme or youth constable volunteering and learn martial arts? He sounds like an upstanding member of society and could go far.

The last sentence suggests very strongly that this poster still doesn’t get why these laws exist.

The difficulty here is that any image of this nature sent in the course of a relationship between two 15 year olds is a very serious offence.

That is the case even if it is ‘consensual’. Personally I don’t think it is appropriate for OP’s DS to be deciding for the girl that this needs to be reported.

This kind of thing will go on in lots of relationships at this age group and in my view, we should be very cautious about potentially ruining lives over messages that are not abusive in nature.

The posters that are saying the kids should handle it themselves obviously haven’t come across the cases where teens have killed themselves because they’ve made videos/taken pictures of genitals/sexual acts and they’ve been widely shared….
If the lad shown in the original video didn’t care at the time it could be shared to anyone and everyone, parents could see it etc then realising how stupid it was harmed himself because he was so embarrassed. People would be saying someone should have told a trusted adult at the start….

Yes your DS did the right thing and you should be proud of that BUT it was probably not a good idea.
It was up to the girl to report not him and he may now have caused himself all sorts of problems whn he didn't need to
People who harp on about standing up for whats right blah blah blah don't have to face possible bulling at school because of it.
I blew up my entire social life at Primary by "doing the right thing" to the extent that I actually wanted to die at one point and would have done anything to turn back the clock and do the wrong thing instead, Many many years later it is still with me.
So I would always urge caution in these cases
I do hope it works out Ok for your son

It’s right that he reported it - I’m not sure what you are concerned about? I can’t see why there would be consequences for your son. You should contact the school and ask what will happen (and explain you don’t want any problems for your son..)

I know you said you were overseas so obviously English law doesn't apply but I think when you're looking at what's appropriate it's worth considering that it's a serious offence in the UK to share photographs/videos of this kind of thing. It's also an offence to be in possession of it or to be viewing it. It's a form of child abuse and it's not something to be taken lightly.
I find it really hard to believe that there are people on MN who think this sort of thing should be ignored, left to vulnerable children to sort out amongst themselves etc.
Your son has absolutely done the right thing. I'd be extremely proud of him.
So many people would rather not get involved, but that's cowardly and just helps bad people get away with it and more people suffer.
Having said that, speaking out isn't always without risk and what you should be focusing on now is protecting your son and the school should be helping with that.

Going forward you need to talk to him about keeping out of situations like this and the reasons why.

Keeping OUT of things is often the reason situations actually escalate to extreme violence. How many times have you read about a school stabbing/shooting where the perp had been running his mouth off for weeks beforehand to fellow students about his intention to kill X/Y/Z and/or the fact he was carrying weapons into school? Those students did not report and someone ended up dead (note: I am not blaming the other students).

@IcyBob 's son is brave and principled. I wouldn't have been that brave at 15.

You miss three key things here.

1. OP's DS is also a victim because he was exposed to indecent imagery of a child. As were other kids who saw it.

2. This was filmed in school toilets, where younger children could have been exposed to what was happening.

3. The boys created and distributed a video of a child engaged in sexual activity. That is a serious crime.

Safeguarding here trumps the girl's wushes, because she is a child, and she does not get to decide whether other children should be ok seeing her boyfriend jerking off.

Thank God I’m not the only one here who thought that when I read @BeeKee’s post. I don’t understand the number of apologists for illegal behaviours by underage children on here.

Is this a private school? Assuming so as you said you were overseas. I would be all over this with tutor, pastoral and the SLT. This could turn badly for your son quickly if the school don’t firmly stand behind him and make it clear he is in the right.

the school will not want a public fuss made so likely the person who “shouts loudest” will get the best support sadly.

get your mum armour on and help your son. He needs you now and what a great moral compass he is protecting the girl in the first place. Don’t fail him by not wanting to rock the boat or be seen to be polite. This is long past normal decency.

It's disappointing (but sadly not surprising) how many pp say it shouldn't have been reported.
Brushing things under the carpet and people not speaking up is what allows this kind of thing to perpetuate. Lads thinking this is OK with no consequences and growing into men who continue to think it (and worse) is OK.
OP your son did exactly the right thing, and I hope he has yours and the school's support such that he'd be confident to do the same again. And perhaps inspire others to speak up.

Some people are so confused on this thread. The girl is a victim here but by having the abuse reported it is not bypassing her wishes and not supporting her.

It is quite the opposite. It is allowing her to get the support she needs from the appropriate adults. These are all children and a 14 year old is not old enough to decide what is best for her in this situation. She is in a potentially abusive relationship and is a victim of CSA.

I'm wondering though if all the kids involved in filming the incident were complicit? Did the boy being filmed know he was being filmed? It's all very disturbing.

This is a huge safeguarding issue OP and i hope the school take it very seriously.

I always remember that kind of person in school feeling the need to report the activity because they felt they had no way to join it.

The response should have been victim led.

Several posters seem to have engaged in under age sex themselves and are approaching it from the point of view that it’s normal behaviour for teens. As far as l’m concerned under age sex and the making and distributing of child abuse images are two completely different things.

The son is also underage. Whether he was the intended recipient or not, he saw the video, he’s been exposed to it. Therefore he was right to report it for his own sake as well. It’s not ok for kids to be exposed to porn even by accident.

Was that because he was looking at her phone or because she showed him?

A child recorded another child masterbating on school property and then sent it to a further child?

I'm glad he reported it. That is messed up shit.

I’m not sure it’s the right thing to intervene in a relationship unless you are sure there is non consensual or abusive behaviour taking place.

How did he see it?

The illicit video was viewed in public and OP's son caught a glimpse. He is also a victim here. The video should never have been taken nor shared.

Same. I Should have rtft first!

Yikes, what a nasty, small minded comment.

Not according to the law. It should be brought to the attention of a trusted adult who then has a duty to support the victim to report and ensure the images are deleted. And there’s more than one victim here. DS saw some of the content himself, as did other children present.

Of course the girl didn’t want to report it. Her only concern was that her boyfriend would get into trouble. She probably doesn't even see herself as a victim because she hasn’t the maturity to realise that this is abuse, and doesn’t realise the ramifications of it going unreported.

What you’re suggesting is the covering up of a criminal act in which others were complicit and to which more than one person fell victim. DS did exactly the right thing, despite your earlier attempts to attach misogyny to his actions. That you’ve experienced something like that is abhorrent, but the experience is not universal.