DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

To some extent, yes.

I think pp suggestion that he comes to you with situations like this is probably the best advice going forward because while he did do the right thing , hes also put a target on his back here socially. Im autistic myself and understand black and white thinking when it comes to justice but as I've gotten older I've also learned self preservation which is equally important. Something as simple as having the report come from you instead would have given him the buffer he needs to do the right thing but keep himself safe.

Agree. To suggest that the policing of the making and sharing of this kind of content should be left to the children themselves is utter bullshit and if the posters advocating it cared to read up properly on it, their views are not supported by the law.

He had another child film him wanking in the toilets.

I absolutely agree here!!

I bet she was uncomfortable to receive it when and where she did, not because of the act.

At 15, I was sexually active, and had seen my bf penis plenty of times. We didn't have iPhones back in the early 2000s, but had we have had them, I would have absolutely sent, and been sent videos.

I think your DS is in the wrong. Do you think there is an air of jealously at all? Does he fancy this girl?

This is an interesting distinction.

Who should he have reported it to if his parents were not trusted adults?

Its not even close to appopriate. I dread to think what is going on up and down the land and being filmed.

to clarify - a girl and boy went into the toilet together and filmed a third boy masturbating?! They then sent this video to the masturbating boy who sent it to his girlfriend?!

So we’ve got - making a sexually explicit video of a minor and Distributing child pornography.

I don’t know the laws where you are but in the UK they are serious offences and the kids should be removed from school!

Unbelievable !!!

He went to a teacher at school. That's a trusted adult.

What bullshit.

If the “wanker” is allowed to behave like this and it is not challenged at 14, what will he be doing at 24, 34?

It’s pretty disturbing behaviour at a young age which I would imagine could escalate so needs to be intervened with now, to avoid him receiving the message that he can get away with it

You should be very proud of your son

What a difficult situation although I think your son has done the right thing.

Without going into detail, I am currently dealing with an incident that took place nearly 3 years ago when the defendant was 15 and has only just gone to court this month.
I think it’s good for teens to learn as young as possible that anything they send is no longer in their control. It can be shared with anyone. If a phone is seized by the police they are able to retrieve the data for evidence even if deleted.
Hopefully this information is passed on to them so they can understand the severity of it and not put blame on your son. He has actually done them a favour.

l read it as another boy filmed it. I think the girl OP was talking about in respect of getting into trouble was the girl who received the video herself - under the law it’s an offence to view this kind of content. Which is another reason to report it because it would have been illegal for her to be in possession of it.

The advice for children is to report it to a trusted adult, delete the content, and that trusted adult should then report it to the authorities. Lots of posters advocating that the children should police it themselves, which is unfathomable.

OP’s son is also a victim here. He is also a minor who has viewed a sexual video without consent.

@IcyBobIt sounds like we have identical sons and mine has done similar in the past, largely because he is very black and white with injustice and bad behaviour. I would always support him even if it’s something I wouldn’t have done myself because of the outcome you describe. You should be proud of him and the wonderful young man you’ve raised. I would (and have myself) get in touch with the school to discuss and ask what they will be doing to keep him safe. I doubt it’ll be the last time you face something like this. Bless him.

We are being realistic. We know what is happening, where it can lead, how normalising taking explicit photos and videos at a young age can actually ruin people's lives.

A generation of young people has been completely poisoned by porn and smartphones and the adults need to wise up, step back into the room and say, "Actually, none of this is normal, and none of this is how healthy sexual relationships are supposed to be."

You might have been giving your boyfriend a blow job behind the bike sheds when you were 15 - although many of your peers were not - but you probably didn't think that anal sex was something you had to do before you were even old enough to consent to vaginal sex, and you certainly didn't run the risk of the boys in your class sharing explicit photos and videos of you via a medium that could see those images travel round the globe in seconds and be viewed by an unlimited number of people.

You need to wise up to the fact that the relatively harmless "normal teenage sexual experimentation" you enjoyed growing up does not exist anymore. The modern world is a far more dangerous place and it is our responsibility as adults to adequately equip our children to deal with it. That includes making it absolutely crystal clear that they should not create, participate in the creation of, send, solicit or receive, explicit photos and videos. And that anybody who sends unsolicited explicit photos and videos is committing a sex crime and should be reported.

You would have been breaking the law if you did that.
Can you see the broader implications of having sexually explicit photos and videos "out there" of you compared to taking part in sex with your boyfriend? One lasts forever for a start, and one would be overlooked legally if consensual, whereas the other is images of CSA and certainly wouldn't be ignored by the police.

Wow. So it means nothing to you that this boy will likely just carry on regardless because he’s not facing any consequences to his actions. If he’s doing this at 14, what’s he going to be doing at 24, 34 if no one is teaching him that this is utterly disrespectful to women, and illegal behaviour in any setting other than consensual. Which this clearly wasn’t.

It sounds like you were a rather stupid 15 year old and you are lucky that iPhones did not exist in the early 2000s.

The laws we have around this sort of thing now are designed to protect stupid 15 year olds who unfortunately do have to grow up in the smartphone era.

👏👏👏

Your son is the only one who behaved appropriately. I take my hat off to him. He'll grow into a fine man. There's nothing you do do about the stupid kids. Speak to school if there's blow back on your son. Praise your son, he did the right thing.

I think OP your DS did the right thing reporting it, of course he did and bravo to him for doing that. However there may be consequences on the spectrum of loosing a few mates (which may be a good loss) to a bloody nose in retribution from said "mates".

A good life lesson that no good deed goes un-punished, doing the right thing is often harder and more painful than doing nothing, being the good guy doesn't always make you the hero - but none of that is a reason not to be on the side of right.

Yes exactly.

His female friend was the one who received it, but others also saw it.

They are victims too.

More parents need to understand this. I can only assume that some of the posters on this thread are naive about this. It's not teenagers experimenting, it's the creation and distribution of indecent imagery of a child, that has been viewed by not just one but multiple children, and it's a criminal offence. Once that video leaves your phone, you are no longer in control of it.

I was a safeguarding lead in a previous (healthcare) role. I also have teenage sons. Before either of them were allowed smartphones, I read them the absolute riot act. Including "if you do these things and you are caught, you will face consequences I can't - and won't - protect you from".

If one of my sons had done this in his school, I would not expect another child who saw that to hush it up to protect my child.

I would be willing to bet large sums of money that some of the parents on here who think the DS was in the wrong or "teens gonna teen" would be the first baying for blood if their own teenage daughter received that sort of video from her boyfriend.