Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

I think OP needs to consider what misogyny is.
Basically it's hating women and devaluing them.
A Tate is a prime example. Allegedly raping women, imprisoning them, using them purely for his own gain.

Two young teens discussing their erections over the phone is hardly in the same category and no, it's not the thin end of the wedge.

They are exploring their sexual urges and one or the other is wanting to understand if it's normal to feel turned on when there 's a girl around. That isn't devaluing the girl. It's asking themselves if they are 'normal'.

First apologise to your son.

That is the conversation to have, but you have muddled this up with shouts of misogyny, victimsing the girl for some reason and worrying your son is pornified (for want of a better word)

You've given a confusig message and missed the main thing which is about how he interacts with his peers and makes and keeps friends.

Agreed.

Op have you actually had a chat with your son about the birds and the bees? And how he might get erections a lot and how it's normal at his age? Perhaps he's asked his friend because he doesn't know.

Being "Very fearful of my ds's treatment of women and girls as they grow up." is not a normal state to exist in… But it's not an overwhelming fear for most parents [of boys].

I wish it were. Looks like we are going to blame the tsunami of sexual harassment for young girls only on social media.

New Girlguiding research reveals 1 in 10 (10%) girls aged 11-16 have missed school to avoid sexual harassment

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cqlyl5q65y7o

He will have had this in school.

Mine (who are adults with their own children) had sex education starting in Year 6.

t's not locker room banter when kids are discussing their developing bodies that have reactions they cannot control. Let kids be kids.

You referred to how normal it is for girl to talk about their period. First of all it didn't used to be at all normal, all had to be hidden away and was seen as shameful. Now it's seen as a normal monthly female body function and girls talk about it. Their talk about menstruation doesn't involve objectifying boys as it has nothing to do with them. Bad comparison. It's ok.

Editing to add, if a boy talks to a girl in school who he is not in a relationship with that het gets and errection every time he sees her it's sexual harassment. Reversely if a girl mentions to a boy that she is on her period and is feeling unwell due to this (for example) it's normal and not sexual harassment.

You simply can't compare girls talking about their period with boys talking about their erections.

I would note to myself that I think the topic warrants further parenting input, and keep discussions completely separate - bring the topic up conversationally, hear my kids views, get a discussion going and ensure I make my points. With this kind of topic I would tackle on a ‘little and often’ kind of way over several months/years. It is a complex issue that can’t be settled with one conversation. That’s what I would aim for, but get it wrong on occasions of course. You have a lot on your plate, and you say that your child’s behaviour has alienated others, so I think you may have panicked a bit. You have time to address this and also address the issue of talking about sexual issues with younger children, and also how to read body language/tone to observe if others are uncomfortable with certain topics etc etc. If you could see it all as work in progress, it may sit better with you. You sound very caring and conscientious. I hope you are not giving yourself a hard time about this.

@blubberball You said your son has a girlfriend.

TBH I'd be a bit more concerned about that rather than lads' banter on the phone.

What form does his ND take?

In your shoes, I'd be focusing on him having girls as 'friends' not romantic partners. Do you know the girl? Does she come to your house? (Does she even exist?) Or is this girlfriend just someone he talks to after school or in lessons?

I'd be far more worried about him having early sex and an accidental pregnancy, than a bit of a laddish chat with his mate.

I know you said you'd had therapy yourself and kindly, maybe this needs a bit more input. You said his dad was your 'abuser' - physically? Emotionally? Are you allowing that experience to cloud your judgement over what is normal behaviour and not misogyny.

Get someone to read my post to you and explain so that you understand. Or read any of the other reactions to your nonsense

Not sure what you are on about but have a nice day.

Your comparison was simply poor.

That isn’t much different to one girl asking another girl about menstruation. Barring adolescents from talking about natural body functions seems like a retrograde step to me.

If you had said it isn’t much different to one girl asking another girl about anything sex related you'd have a point.

What time period are you talking about, we talked about this in primary school in the late 70s/early 80s between friends, what had happened, how it feels, what you do.

Didnt used to be normal perhaps at some points in history but it certainly isnt very recent

Why are erections "sex related" though? Yes, the purpose of them is for procreation of the species, but so are periods when you come right down to it.

As I said earlier, erections don't only happen when you're about to have sex. You don't even need to be thinking about sex to get an erection. Sometimes they just happen, especially as a teenager.

Most men get an erection every half an hour or so in their sleep, it doesn't mean we're dreaming about sex every half an hour, it's just the body maintaining blood flow.

I suppose women think of erections as being sex related because that tends to be the only time they see them. But for men, they're just there. A thing that happens, like breathing or blinking, although less frequent. A good comparison would be womens nipples hardening. Sometimes sex related, sometimes a reaction to a completely different stimulus.

Well done on misrepresenting what I said.

Why are you going on about a boy talking about his hard on to a girl? Thats not what's happened here.

@shortieshortie You know perfectly well.

His ND is developmental delays and behavioural problems.

I have met her. She does exist. She's been to our house a couple of times in the past. They don't socialise outside of school any more, as her mother wouldn't allow it

I was physically, sexually, emotionally coercively and financially abused by the dad

My own experience with men is most likely clouding my view

Yes we have had many chats about puberty and sex over the years

For what it's worth OP I really don't think you have done anything wrong. Yes erections are normal and uncontrollable for young boys however when specifically talking about them in this context he is devaluing the girl in the scenario, it is absolutely a misogynistic issue and the responses from people here probably shows why there is such a problem with young boys at the moment. If a 20 year old man said this it would absolutely be called misogyny, 14 year old boys who are not called out on stuff like this turn into misogynistic adults.

I’m pleased you’re talking like this with your DS.

We can’t complain about men who think with their dicks, if we don’t challenge kids who see it as a key part of conversation.

The world does not revolve around pandering to cocks.

I think the posters who think this was a cozy chat between teen boys about their bodily functions are quite naive tbh.

”How many times did your dick go hard while you talked to her” is totally different from opening up about erections.

To me it’s quite clearly a nudge nudge so she makes you horny eh type comment, Jay from Inbetweeners style. Not quite misogyny (I would save that word for worse) but definitely laddish, objectifying and thinking about this girl in a purely sexual way.

OP I think you were right to pull him up on it and as the mum of tween girls I thank you.

You've not done anything wrong but I do think you've automatically assumed the worst of him.

It's important to not let your experience of men and his father impact how you see him. He's not his father.