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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

380 replies

blubberball · 02/10/2025 04:46

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 02/10/2025 10:42

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:39

Do other people not check on their kids? Would they really just walk past their 14 yo's bedroom door, hear an explicit sexual conversation and not check in with them? Or would you think that's just fine and leave them to their private conversation, when you don't know who they're talking to? I thought we were supposed to check on our kids? I only went there to tell him it's time for screens off

Yes you should check on him, some things are for you to note and hold in your mind. Some things you might want to address with him as a wider learning point, in this case solely that perhaps his friend might not have wanted to have that conversation, what made your son think his friend wwould want to share personal information like that, help him understand social cues and reading the room. Its harder over the phone so thats another thing to try to help with, how communication takes place.

This is all key moreso for your son as he is ND

But to overly focus on 'sexually explicit (not sure it was) and disrespecting girls and misogyny is misguided and the wrong angle.

Original poster
blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:43

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

OP posts:
Original poster
blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:44

They're talking about hard dicks. I'd say that's fairly sexually explicit

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 02/10/2025 10:44

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:43

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

You're not listening at all. You have a fixation and arent moving out of it.

Megifer · 02/10/2025 10:47

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:39

Do other people not check on their kids? Would they really just walk past their 14 yo's bedroom door, hear an explicit sexual conversation and not check in with them? Or would you think that's just fine and leave them to their private conversation, when you don't know who they're talking to? I thought we were supposed to check on our kids? I only went there to tell him it's time for screens off

I check on my DS conversations. Bit of a listen.....be on alert....catch a few more snippets, then decide if its something to pursue. I dont go in hard at the first sign as I know i might have the wrong end of the stick, and I dont want them to just get better at hiding stuff.

Its tricky and it is a balance. The one time I heard something a bit questionable for me i nearly did steam in but then I picked up they were talking about some anime they'd both sneaked a look at in some random book shop.

Pregnancyquestion · 02/10/2025 10:49

I think you overreacted. It’s not nice hearing stuff like that from your son, but it was a joke and he’s a 14 year old boy. I’m not one for lads will be lads but I think it’s ok for him to be able to joke with his friends when he didn’t really say anything that bad. He was joking about his friends fancying a girl. Although I think it’s good that you will pull him up if needs be but I’d be careful not to be over zealous.

Megifer · 02/10/2025 10:52

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:43

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

Yes but what you heard isnt misogyny at this stage, its normal development. Crass yes. But normal part of growing up that girls will equally be doing.

whatshallidowithyou · 02/10/2025 10:52

I think it’s more the inappropriate comments

BeachLife2 · 02/10/2025 10:54

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:43

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

I don’t think it’s appropriate for parents to be listening in to private conversations between any teenagers tbh!

I’d have been absolutely mortified if my parents had done that to me.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 02/10/2025 10:57

We talk a lot as women about how imperfectly men understand our bodies but this thread has really opened my eyes to how many of us really don't understand theirs. Maybe Adrian Mole should be required reading because that's how I learned that teenage boys get involuntary erections all the time!

SatanicSanity · 02/10/2025 10:58

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:44

They're talking about hard dicks. I'd say that's fairly sexually explicit

I’d say it’s perfectly normal 14 year old lad behaviour, at least it was when I was 14 about 40 odd years ago. It’s not misogyny in the slightest to make a comment suggesting someone is attractive enough to warrant a physical reaction. YAB very U

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 10:59

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:44

They're talking about hard dicks. I'd say that's fairly sexually explicit

My 11 year old gets erections. He doesn't fancy girls or boys yet. Is it still sexually explicit? Or is it a bodily function outside of his control, and very interesting to him.
Is an erection while talking to a girl while both are fully clothed sexually explicit? I don't think it is, really.

Megifer · 02/10/2025 11:00

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:44

They're talking about hard dicks. I'd say that's fairly sexually explicit

So? Hes 14. Replace the word dick with penis, talk about how it can feel nice to touch it etc. and congratulations, youve just created a sex ed module that mirrors what 10 year olds are told in primary school!

FrauPaige · 02/10/2025 11:03

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:43

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

Can/do your brothers spend time with your son?

Lalaloope · 02/10/2025 11:07

Lemonyyy · 02/10/2025 09:33

I would have not let on that I’d heard, given it a few days then had (or ideally sent dad to have!) a general chat about if he or his friends fancied any girls and how that made him feel. Hopefully by now you’ve had some general chats about puberty so you can tie it up!

As a teen my response to this scenario if my mum had made it clear she’d been listening to me, would’ve been to be considerably more secretive about phone calls with my friends, removing an Avenue for my parents to keep an eye on me. It’s ok to have a bit of a covert ear out on a teen, especially a neurodivergent one, but unless someone is in danger you really need to be quite measured in your response to avoid really shaming them for what are, ultimately, normal feelings.

Agree with this.

Lalaloope · 02/10/2025 11:10

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/10/2025 09:44

To be honest, I think you've misjudged here OP.

Admittedly I'm coming to this from a male perspective, but I don't see the comment as misogynist. In fact, your son's comment wasn't about the girl at all, but about his friends reaction to her. If he'd implied that she'd done something to cause that reaction, that would be misogynist, but he didn't. Instead, he was taking the piss out of his friend that the mere existence of a pretty girl in the vicinity causes him to have a physical reaction.

And really, the underlying reason for the comment wasn't the girl, and probably wasn't his friend either.

Teenage boys are on a hair trigger. The average male teenager apparently gets around 4 erections an hour while awake. And when you are that teenage boy, it's confusing, frustrating, mortifying. It happens when you're talking about a pretty girl, it happens when you see a pretty girl, it happens when you so much as think about a pretty girl. Hell, it happens when there's no pretty girls in the vicinity. It happens because you've just adjusted yourself, it happens because you're sat on the bus and the engine vibration is making things vibrate a little. It happens because someone on the TV just said "boobs". And most confusingly, it happens for absolutely no bloody reason at all, at inopportune moments.

And so we joke about it with our friends, because nobody tells us this is going to happen. Oh, sex education mentions that we'll get erections, but they don't bring up the sheer frequency of them. So we take the piss out of our friends, and bring up the subject, dancing around the reason why we're bringing it up, because we're trying to get someone to say "Yes, it's perfectly normal to be getting them pretty much constantly", without revealing it ourselves, in case we're the only one its happening to.

Your son said "How many times did your dick go hard when she was talking to you." He meant "My body is going fucking nuts, is yours doing the same?"

Edited
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Great post!

shortieshortie · 02/10/2025 11:12

What are single mums of boys supposed to do? I don't feel like I can just say boys will be boys and roll my eyes. Someone needs to tell him about misogyny and I'm his parent

Kindly, and I don't know the whole story, your own experience of abuse is what's driving this. I don't know any parents who have 'had a chat about misogyny'.

Kids learn through example. Your own behaviour is key to this. How you talk about women and girls, how you build his confidence so he makes good choices of friends etc.

You need to try to relax a bit and stop allowing you own insecurities make you overreact. This is actually all about YOU and your emotions.

shortieshortie · 02/10/2025 11:14

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 10:59

My 11 year old gets erections. He doesn't fancy girls or boys yet. Is it still sexually explicit? Or is it a bodily function outside of his control, and very interesting to him.
Is an erection while talking to a girl while both are fully clothed sexually explicit? I don't think it is, really.

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Baby boys get erections.

Has no one else noticed this? When my son was a baby and having his nappy changed, he'd get a little erection.

Seamoss · 02/10/2025 11:14

blubberball · 02/10/2025 10:39

Do other people not check on their kids? Would they really just walk past their 14 yo's bedroom door, hear an explicit sexual conversation and not check in with them? Or would you think that's just fine and leave them to their private conversation, when you don't know who they're talking to? I thought we were supposed to check on our kids? I only went there to tell him it's time for screens off

I can't overhear my teen's conversations when they're in their bedroom. I could possibly, if I put my ear to the door

You mentioned you didn't know who he was talking to, it could have been a stranger you said in a previous post. If the thought popped in your head that he was being abused by an adult it would have been reasonable to to call through the door "hey son, who are you on the phone to? Time to get to bed in 5 minutes".

Are you concerned he's being groomed? Again it's a concern that probably crosses all parents minds from time to time, but without other evidence of potential abuse, it's not a conclusion I'd leap to if I did hear my teen talking about if someone was aroused by a girl. And I'd leave him his dignity and privacy intact.

But concerns about him being groomed by strangers don't equate with misogyny either, so the conversation you had with him still doesn't make sense.

The actual issues with the situation warranted non confrontational chats, at another time, about making sure friends are happy talking about adolescent topics and staying safe online

miraxxx · 02/10/2025 11:15

WottaRacket · 02/10/2025 07:00

it's never, ever appropritate to ask a friend about their genitals.

Everyone who is saying they don't see an issue just imagine you have some of your female friends round for a coffee. And you ask them about their genitals. something like "so did you get really wet when you were talking to your husband earlier?

It's not ok. It's not the social norm and we have to guide our children on how society expects us to behave!!

Female social norms are not male social norms. If mothers are so overbearing that they forbid fairly normal male talk, labelling it misogynistic, who are boys going to talk to? And there are plenty of women who share very intimate talk about their male partners.

PaellaPan · 02/10/2025 11:15

Two teenage barely pubescent boys having a conversation about whether one fancies a girl or not is not sexually explicit or misogynistic. For example:

Other boy: do you fancy her?
My ds saying No, I've already got a girlfriend.....
OB: what if you didn't?
Son: But you like her don't you.....
OB: how do I know if like her?
Son: How many times did your dick get hard whilst talking to her?.

No, I don't know that is how the conversation went, but I can very easily hear two dappy teens having a conversation in the kind of language they know and understand about whether one finds a girl attractive.

Lou7171 · 02/10/2025 11:16

MagpiePi · 02/10/2025 10:11

You're going to horrified to hear that they can get erections from simply thinking about girls/women...

😱

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I meant I didn't realise men got erections from normal everyday conversations with women. I'm not 'horrified', I'm a bit grossed out though.

shortieshortie · 02/10/2025 11:17

Lou7171 · 02/10/2025 11:16

I meant I didn't realise men got erections from normal everyday conversations with women. I'm not 'horrified', I'm a bit grossed out though.

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I think you're confusing things.
No one is saying that the man in Tesco who asks you where the bread is, is so attracted to you that he's aroused.

Do you have a partner? Have you ever had a boyfriend? Did they not talk about how their penises had a mind of their own as teens? Boys and men can have erections that are nothing to do with being with a woman. I doubt you know they can have them every half an hour in their sleep as well.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/10/2025 11:20

Lou7171 · 02/10/2025 11:16

I meant I didn't realise men got erections from normal everyday conversations with women. I'm not 'horrified', I'm a bit grossed out though.

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Boys, not men.

It has generally mostly calmed down by the time we hit our 20s

Thisistyresome · 02/10/2025 11:20

I think someone needs to have a conversation with you about misogyny, like explaining what it is. It is the hatred of women. Not teen boys having crass conversations.

I assume you would consider a number of conversations between girls I remember from childhood to be misandry. This is just odd.

There is a question of if he is non-neurotypical, was his conversation uncomfortable for his friend. If he is struggling socially because his topic of conversation is more crass than his friends and it damages his friendships that is one thing. But you seemed to jump to shaming him. Tell his dad and leave him to have these discussions.