DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

Run away where? Neither are in paid work, she lives with her mum and he's in foster care.

I think you are being a strong parent in a really hard situation. Your daughter is going to college, you say she is doing her coursework and is doing well and your grandson is thriving.
Keep talking to your daughter, agree with her when she complains about the boyfriend. Maybe you and her could do the freedom program together so she starts learning better relationship skills. I know that sounds mad when you’re working full time and she’s at college with a small child, maybe just a book like why does he do that?
Keep on keeping on, you are doing great. ❤️

A lot of you are acting as if the baby coming is disposable. Adopted children and fostered children's outcomes as SO much worse than if they can stay with their family of origin in some way. Sure, some kids do really well, and some children obviously need to be removed from abusive or neglectful parents, but the boy who is the father is an example of life outcomes for looked after children.

The coming baby is MUCH better off if it can possibly be arranged for them to stay with their child mum and grandmother. THANKFULLY women still have autonomy over our own bodies and pregnancies here in the UK, and much though it might be ill advised, OP's daughter has decided to proceed with hers. All of you whinging about your tax money would do well to remember that this child ending up in the care system and later using police and criminal justice resources would cost far more of your precious money than a bit of childcare now.

Gosh OP, what a difficult situation to be in. What an amazing daughter you have to be continuing with her education despite having a one year old and being pregnant. I remember how hard it was to go back to work after mat leave and that was with all the resources that come with being in my 30s and with a wonderfully supportive husband. I suppose I'm thinking our bodies let us make babies long before our brains are fully mature. Not til 26 or so. No wonder as a species we get into these difficult situations. When she is 26 and looking back on this stage of life, what do you think she would say about how you have responded to her 15-17 year old self? What would you want her to be saying? I'd ignore those posters who say they would have come down hard and their daughters wouldn't be in this situation. We none of us have control over our 17 year olds. We only have control over how we respond to their questionable decisions and actions.

I would agree with all of this if there were genuinely an accidental one-off situation and DD was making the best of it, but the fact is that she's still with this troubled boyfriend and is pregnant again very soon. OP cannot keep supporting if it is allowing DD to continue in this way. There is a saying, 'don't let your safety net become a hammock.'

Very negative on here about this girl. I can only assume y'all are 'boy moms'.
I know it's very difficult, but your daughter needs help with contraception OP. As soon as this young man realises she wants to go to college and raise her babies in a stable home, he'll have her pregnant again. It's very sad for him but he has to stop ejaculating inside her. Some sex education wouldn't go amiss.
You've already told us he refused to use a condom. So he had a good idea of the outcome. Her pregnancy is not an accident. She needs t stop trusting him.

I can’t see DD going off if you did say no to having him in house in light of recent violence and criminality. I think you have other younger children to protect Op from memory?
She sounds like a caring mum. He hasn’t got a car. Realistically where would they run to and how. She doesn’t sound like she’d leave toddler cold and hungry.

Amazing daughter? this thread is unbelievable.

i mentor immigrant teenagers who study all hours of the day and night so they can become doctors or engineers or lawyers and avoid the shame- to them- of having to go on benefits.

Standards for the British-born are so pathetically low.

The reasons this young lady keeps getting pregnant are complex and if it were as straight forward as “get contraception” this wouldn’t have happened. Didn’t we learn anything from demonising single mums in the 90s?!

The OP is in a difficult place - she either decides she is going to support DD's dysfunction indefinitely, or she kicks them out and lets the state help. That's her choices.

@Woompund

hmm, that would depend on the birth parents.

Yep. And she has already said several times she cant look after the baby.
Her DD may have bodily autonomy.
But apparently the OP should have none and must look after as many babies as her DD produces.
Anyway it's too late. OP will most certainly be looking after these babies and another one by next year.

What kind of wanker would kick out their pregnant daughter and 1 year old baby?

”the state help”- Potentially long term, but kicking out is immediate, not long term. where do they sleep on day 1 the day they’re kicked out, eh? Under a bridge? Ripe to be given refuge by the pimps and drug dealers? You should be ashamed to suggest it.

So I guess OP looks after the babies. The only humane thing to do, apparently.

Why can’t the daughter look after the babies? Like she is the one year old?!?

Study and look after 2 under 2?

@Bambamhoohoo

she could! She would have to drop out of college, but yes she could. You’re right.

Neither you nor I can look into the future and predict what will happen. It’s insane for posters to be saying the baby should be adopted or the OP should become its full time carer on the basis of what they think could happen with regards to the college course the daughter is on. I can’t believe I’m having to say this to stop you all saying mad evil things

ODFO. If you'd have bothered to have read even just the Op's post you'd see that you're not saying anything remotely new. You're certainly not saying anything remotely helpful and it's certainly not kind. I can only assume your post was for your own benefit.

Of course they're not the only two choices. I know it's convenient for the soundbyte, but life is rarely binary black or white choices.

'Support DD's dysfunction' or 'support her to raise her own grandchildren'
I know which I would choose! It's not going to be forever is it? She'll move out and grow up soon enough.

There's plenty of research if you're interested. Obviously individual outliers exist.

No, her daughter can raise the babies. With her help and support. Like young mothers have done since sex and reproduction was invented. Is it what we want for our daughters? Probably not. Is it the end of the world? No. Is it extremely common and actually biologically normative? Yep.

I know you say you don’t do much for your grandson now but 2 is a game changer. She is going to need a lot more support especially with a newborn and a toddler! I feel for you op because it will be you having to do more. It was hard enough at double their age, married and financially stable with 2 small children.

Ok. OP already said she is at her limit helping with one, but I guess both she and the daughter can try harder to make biological normativism work.