DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all

Why would you expect a child in the care system to be pleased to become a father for the second time in two years when he’s still a child himself? With a girl who was supposed to be on the Pill but clearly wasn’t taking it?

He’s a very troubled 16-year-old with no prospects who doesn’t have the support your daughter has. Of course he wasn’t going to take it well. Your expectations are exceptionally naive.

Everything in your post is complaining about him and how irresponsible he is, but your daughter is not any better than him. She is every bit as irresponsible as him and I doubt her second pregnancy was an accident on her part at all. They’re as bad as each other and you’re being incredibly passive about the whole situation. I actually feel more sorry for the BF because he’s clearly had a difficult life and is extremely troubled and has a miserable future ahead of him as a child soon to leave the foster system, whereas your daughter has you and her family and a support network apparently doting on her while you sing her praises and say how lovely she is.

Well yes, they will be a cared for child until the process is complete. They may be adopted by the first foster placement, or may not. Adoption of both children may be the right choice but it does no-one any favours to pretend it’s smooth and always has a good outcome.

Why on earth didn't she have a termination?

I disagree, Why would she be done after these two? Growing up I saw this scenario a few times in my community (one was my older sister) and ending up with five or six kids and perhaps a part time cleaning job by thirty seems to be how it usually plays out.

And I think the college course, whatever it is, is advantageous to DD now as being in full time education brings benefits at 17 but it will ultimately lead nowhere and with two or more very young children and no support (bar her mother) we’re fooling ourselves if we think there’s even the slightest possibility that OP’s daughter will have a job, let alone a career that ‘takes off’ at any point.

your grandchildren will likely inherit whatever problems the BF has - severe ADHD, personality disorders etc
they will not be the easiest kids to parent as they get older.
your daughter is listening far too much to what the BF is saying. He is manipulative. She needs to look at the evidence she has about his commitment to his kids and GF and life. She is young and immature and easily impressionable.

Despite the situation being absolutely avoidable, I have sympathy for almost everyone involved baby, future, a teenage boy raised by the system, you as a parent etc.

However, have you actually asked your daughter what she's playing at?

One unexpected teenager pregnancy can happen anyone but the second time, it's a choice. A deliberate decision. If she didn't want a repeat of her situation, she absolutely would have made sure she didn't sleep with him again or that her contraception was water tight, or even had an abortion.

Have you had any conversation about the fact that this cannot continue - could be 3 at 20, 4 at 21 etc. and or if it does that you cannot house her and all the grandchildren she produces "accidentally" or otherwise.

Personally I think your biggest mistake was supporting their relationship at all . He obviously is not good for your daughter or your grandson , he is a looser . He probably will drag them down all their life if they stay together 285£ teh drug use , no prospects , social services involvement .
If this was me I would be doing everything possible to keep them apart , move towns move country , whatever takes , remind your daughter she might end up with the children taking into foster care themselves. Remind her a good mum protects her children. I matter what and that includes leaving a looser dad.

I disagree, Why would she be done after these two? Growing up I saw this scenario a few times in my community (one was my older sister) and ending up with five or six kids and perhaps a part time cleaning job by thirty seems to be how it usually plays out

Yes unfortunately that’s something I see a lot of around here too. OP’s DD clearly got pregnant on purpose both times, so I would expect her to keep popping out babies every 18 months until something happens to stop her (either boyfriend dumping her properly, or kids starting to be taken into care).

And yes I would be amazed if she was in any kind of employment aged 30.

Threads like this just make me want to cry at the perpetuating dysfunctional cycle

Set some rules! If she lives under your roof she gets the implant after the baby arrives, for starters. She is making bad choice after bad choice.

Has she got a social worker? She needs one.

If i were you my focus would be on

• safeguarding the dc, especially wrt drugs etc
• keeping her education as uninterrupted as possible. The best chance of breaking the cycle of poor choices is for those DC to grow up in a stable home with a parent in work

It is when you take a step back and look at it without the 'ahh but the baby really likes his father and keeps smiling at him' approach.

They are both kids, one with a better family life than the other. But together they are just dragging each other down into a situation neither of them are ready for but the OP is trying to make an impossible situation work.

Once the rose tinted glasses are off it will get easier, for everyone.

Some of you are acting like OP has been sitting at home meekly doing everything to make all of DD's decisions easy and nice for her, whilst you would swoop in there like Supernanny and solve the whole thing... how, I don't know.

How do you force someone to have an abortion?
How do you force someone to give up their child for adoption?
How do you monitor where your teenage child goes every time they leave the house?

It must give posters a lot of satisfaction to post boldly on here about how they 'wouldn't tolerate this' but there have been absolutely no sensible, actionable, realistic suggestions. What actually helps families in these kind of situations is compassion, community and resources. Not judgment from strangers online saying she's a 'weak parent'.

You cannot force abortion, adoption or anything else.

What you can do is to stop looking after the child(ren) a couple of times a month so she can go out with friends. She's going to be a mum of 2, and while I don't believe that parents should martyr themselves for their kids and never go out, she needs to deal with the reality of 2 kids that she has planned for. It won't stop her having sex with him (she can do that with the babies there when she visits him) but it does at least reduce the chance.

The only issue (not in this situation but if you do that) is I did do that but not as a teenager
my mum went ballistic, blackmailed me, I had a termination i didn’t want that I was forced into and spent a year having counselling and howling from grief along with the self harming myself
i never spoke to her again, she died from early onset dementia having never had grandchildren and then I was diagnosed with such severe endo that I can’t have children
what a mess

I am aware. I work in frontline child protection and I can assure you the majority of grandparents will take their grandchildren rather than let them go into care. It's not a fairy tale, it's what happens.

Not on a daily basis no. Baby goes to the college's nursery. OP does some weekend babysitting at intervals but to be fair her daughter doesn't seem to be taking advantage yet in a big way. Of course who knows how it'll go with two babies.

What's so bad about adoption? The outcomes are far worse than children being raised within their family of origin. It's also an unusual person who can wave goodbye to their grandchildren forever rather than make it work to care for them if the feasibly can. Grandparents change their work arrangements to care for grandchildren every day in my line of work. It's really not that outlandish.

A child who may or may not be adopted enters the care system.

Ok so I think we’re all in agreement OP has not committed to raising either child 😂

Ok. All of this was inevitable and can't be avoided.

What resources do you suggest the OP accesses? Realistically she will have to look after the babies herself.

There are lots of ways to enforce boundaries in a realistic way. OP's updates don't really place any judgment or responsibility on DD, it's all focused on the bad boyfriend and being upset he's letting her down, and worry that enabling is the only way to maintain the relationship, with no mention of wanting DD to take ownership of her continued poor choices. I think DD choosing to continue this pregnancy is evidence that this approach isn't working.

She could insist DD moves into a mother and baby unit unless she continues her education and accepts long term contraception when baby is born, as one option. Not to be mean, but to protect DD - what if this cycle keeps repeating until OP is unable to pick up the pieces? That is not good for anyone.

Ok. All of this was inevitable and can't be avoided.

What resources do you suggest the OP accesses? Realistically she will have to look after the babies herself.

How old were you Op when your daughter was conceived?

Adopted children are adopted from the care system! The child goes into the care system and is then adopted. When we talk about outcomes for children in the care system that includes adoption, I'm afraid. Although adopted children tend to do better on measurable outcomes than children in long term foster care, they don't do as well as children raised by their birth parents.

Like hell it would. She'd run away with the father and cut contact with her only relative, and all of these children would have worse outcomes.