DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

To be clear, neither of them are adults. They are acting immaturely because they are immature

I think bringing children into the world in this situation is far more cruel and traumatic. We all have different defintions of cruel and we all parent differently.

But if OP doesn't think so, that's fine. What is unreasonable is expecting posters to come up with a solution she likes. There aren't any good solutions now. She will have to step up.

Oh @TiredNanAgain
honestly, I think the way your handling this is spot on.
push too much and she will move out to be with him, not be able to complete college and end up fucking up her life completely.
the best possible outcomes from these situations are when girls have support and encouragement.
dont ban him from the house, it will just mean she lies about seeing him, and they are his kids.

just keep at it. I know biting your tongue is the hardest. She will get there

Is her college course actually going to lead to a job? One above minimum wage?

Also if you can't insist that your teen uses better contraception- it's so terribly controlling!- there will be a baby every year.

Another cycle of poverty and deprivation.

I wonder is it to late for an abortion, her boyfriend is not going to be a great dad to the second child. Your daughter is too young for two children.

agree, but they are 'making' very adult decisions. I say making because neither is actually considering the implications of their actions on themselves, or other people like OP who is left picking up the pieces and wondering when all this will stop.

And at the heart of this are two very young children who will bear the brunt of all this.

OP, the boy isn't the real issue. You know he's not going to be around in any meaningful way. The real issue is the second pregnancy at 17 years old.

The level of control some posters claim have and be willing to exert over their teens on this thread is bordering on criminal, as well as cruel and traumatic.

This is such a bizarre take on those of us who find this situation chaotic and unbelievably irresponsible, with two babies, that as it stands, have bleak futures.

I have 2 daughters, I know many families with teenagers of both sexes, I don't know anyone like the OP and her dd. I suspect it is because our kids are not out shagging when they should be home studying. The fact that this has happened a 2nd time tells us a lot. People can defend it, call the dd and OP amazing etc etc. But it is grim. And the cycle is almost certain to continue.

And at the heart of this are two very young children who will bear the brunt of all this They don’t stand a chance do they?
Really sad and if the dd carries on in the same vein there will be another baby every year until she sees sense.
It’s about time she’s told some painful home truths not this pussyfooting around so she doesn’t get upset.

You can get contraceptive implant straight after giving birth and it lasts for 3 years. I would strongly encourage DD to do that after having the baby.

But all of that can be true without the demanding of ridiculous suggestions such as

• March her down to the abortion clinic
• force her to take contraception
• get the children adopted
• chuck them all out
• Don’t “let” her have sex with him

can you not see how childish and unenforceable these suggestions are? Short of imprisoning or restraining her/ committing violence against her bodily autonomy?!?

they might sound hard arse and scary but they’re ineffective and tbh, silly.

She was only 15 herself so highly unlikely to understand the full consequences of this shit show. She will learn

Eventually....

Everything seems to revolve around this lad and his needs, wants, problems.

And dd is getting pregnant, I suspect, to try and fix him, his problems, their relationship & live a happy ever after life which she is too naive to understand will never ever come.

I agree you can’t really prevent 14/15 year olds from having sex. Surely most children that age have a degree of independence from their parents in the sense that they ‘go out’ during the day, visit friends, go to parks/malls/cinema etc. You hope you can trust them but you can’t have eyes on them at all times. But most of us are okay because most 14-year-olds aren’t interested in sex yet so it’s not going to be an issue for another couple of years or so.

I think you can be firm about contraception though, especially since she is living under your roof with two babies in the mix. I would insist on getting the appointment booked in, give her a lift there, make sure it happens. Longterm and reliable like an implant or coil. If she’s resistant to that idea then it leads to a lot of questions.

Friend of mine had this with her daughter. 2 babies which my friend took on, when pregnancy #3 was announced (all different fathers) my friend said enough is enough it's either termination or adoption. My poor friend was exhausted. I don't know what the outcome was as I lost contact with her but I hope for the sake of her own physical/mental health, that she stuck to her words x

I think too much blame is being put onto the boy. If it wasn’t him it would be some other lad and another pregnancy.

Your daughger may only be 17 but she is a mother now, she needs to grow up and act like one and that means making better life choices for her and her child.

She needs to start making a long term plan. Does she get benefits for them or does she need to wait until she is 18? She could use those Saturdays you babysit to get a part time job instead of hanging around with lads and having sex.

Its called active parenting.
Not doing some of these things is the reason this thread exists.

Can you tell me what of those things you would do?

Certainly.

Curtail free time spending it would doing sports, studying and hobbies.

Boy would not be allowed anywhere near the house.

If I thought never mind knew my child was sexually active, she would be on
contraception.

If pregnant for second time there would not be a choice. It would be termination.
If refused, then I would realise and accept I had no input and they’d have to work it out themselves with the support of another adult service.

I didn’t want and can’t afford more than two kids in my 40s. I would help with one baby if I could. . I would absolutely not help with two babies.

I’m not sure how much you can curtail free time when they are 14/15 really. My DS is 14. I make sure he does all his homework to a good standard. He does 2 hobbies a week, one takes up Tuesday evenings 7-9, the other is Friday straight after school so finishes at 4.30. So that still frees up a lot of spare time and whole weekends. Most teenagers are going to be spending a lot of time going out and about and socialising with friends. It’s normal and healthy.

100% agree though that contraception should have been discussed in the first instance. Teenage mistakes are much easier to navigate without permanent consequences thrown in.

Why are so many people recommending an implant for this girl? A coil is non-hormonal and the most effective method with zero side effects. It can be fitted four weeks post-partum. That said, no one can force her.

I’m not sure how much you can curtail free time when they are 14/15 really.

This blows my mind.
I know where my DC is all the time.
At school, playing sports, doing hobbies.
I can see their location on my phone which I use for safety rather than spying. I completely trust DC.
DC does not wander around aimlessly unless walking the dog.

Implants are more palatable to many teenagers. No intrusive fitting issues. Even with lighter ones like the Mirena this can be uncomfortable or painful. Tbh whatever is easiest to get her to do, and can't be 'forgotten', I would go for.

Sorry but if she was handling it she wouldnt of fallen pregnant again! She is not handling anything, she is making piss poor decisions.