Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Gross. And just because you married him doesn’t make it deeply disgusting for a 34 year old to hook up with a teenager. Having a long marriage doesn’t make it right, just as the Macrons’ long marriage doesn’t make the circumstances in which they got together remotely okay. Nor Sam and Aaron Taylor-Wood.

I made a good choice to have a baby at a young age. And I was a good mother and I did it on my own. And both that baby and I have degrees and good jobs now. (They’re an adult)

where’s the evidence this young woman is having baby to spite her mother?

Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful.

You think ? I cannot imagine doing this to any pregnant woman and expecting them to react positively !

Don’t bank on it…. I was a young mum and my mum made it clear she wasn’t going to ever ‘babysit’ so I made sure I moved out and stood on my own two feet. That meant moving to different city altogether and the upshot was she saw her GC on very limited occasions. She doesn’t have that lovely relationship that I had with my grandmother. Her choice, and my DCs life was no less without her presence.

I made sure I never had to ask for help and, even when struggling, I never did. I managed - it can be done.

Tread very carefully over the coming months OP as if you push your daughter away now she won’t ever come back (I don’t just mean physically - I mean emotionally).

Yip. Similar to me.

Tbh I don’t see a problem with this guys age.I married exh at 17 and we had a similar age gap. We were married for 40 years

Thanks for responding and I guess it was definitely wrong to be waking her up in the night. I have apologised for that and we have agreed to meet tomorrow. Unfortunately she seems quite set on continuing to stay with him. She also told my about meeting his parents and it seems they are somewhat supportive of the situation, even despite the fact their son got a 16 year old pregnant, and unfortunately she is negatively comparing me to his mum

You sound awful.

I hope she has referred herself to the local midwives and is getting appropriate support from them. She will be treated as vulnerable, just because of her age although her other circumstances will reinforce that. She should receive additional support to help her during her pregnancy.
OP needs to take a long hard look at herself and work out how to be empathetic and supportive instead of controlling and very, very weird.

I'm not surprised she's negatively comparing you to her boyfriend's mother.

Waking up a PREGNANT girl (who needs rest) every 2 hours because a baby will be doing that is one of the most batshit things I've ever read on here and I almost think she would be better off living with her possible groomer boyfriend considering her mother is completely nuts and is quite willing to torture her for god knows what insane reason.

Poor girl. She has a groomer boyfriend and a psycho mother and is pregnant at 16. Talk about having the odds stacked against you.

That’s good it worked out for you but statistically it’s quite unlikely that someone who is a mum at 16 will get a degree. They certainly won’t have the sort of life and experiences that a lot of people in their late teens/early 20s have and if you haven’t had that you wouldn’t know what it is that this girl is missing out on. Getting a degree later in life while also working and holding down a job is admirable but it’s not the same as those freedom years that I see my students living and enjoying. I would be so gutted if my DD didn’t get that opportunity of freedom because she tied herself to a loser.

She did work somewhat hard for her GCSEs, although perhaps not as full out as she might have done, and I think she will have done reasonably well. She was planning on doing A levels but now she said that she didn't really want to do them anyway and just was doing them as she didn't know what else she wanted to do and she felt that was expected, and she doesn't have a plan for what she wants to do at all. He is an electrician, apparantly, and is jointly renting a flat with a friend who is currently not there as on a family holiday

Our relationship wasn't great, but it wasn't awful and I thought it was just a normal teenage phase of her being slightly moody and pushing back on her parents

His parents are maybe taking a more mature approach to the situation. The girl is pregnant. You can't change that. You should also know better than thinking you can make a teenager do what you want. The question is - do you want a relationship with your daughter and grandchild or not? Yes, being pregnant at 16 will have negative consequences for HER but it is HER life and, as a mother yourself, you should know how incredibly hard and lonely it is to be pregnant and have a baby. You should be supporting her, give her a shoulder to cry on, be there for her.

Or kick her out.

But grounding her and physically punishing her is not gonna get you anywhere.

They sound deluded and will probably be as helpful as a chocolate fire guard. But they know that it’s not their son giving birth or doing night feeds. He can (and let’s face it, will) walk away. Once he does, she likely won’t see them for dust.
If I had a son aged 23 id be beyond horrified that he had got a girl pregnant who has just finished year 11. Absolutely mortified. I wouldn’t start playing happy families and pretend that this is going to be other than a total and utter clusterfuck.

@AppleUnderSwan
It's such a hard situation you are in and the shock must have been terrible.
Glad you have apologised and are meeting her tomorrow.
I would say it's not a bad thing for her to stay at bf's for now.
It gives you both space and time to reflect. Emotions are heightened at the moment so anything could set you or DD off in the slightest.
When you see her tomorrow, make it all about her and her health and little about the baby
It's still early days so no need to be coo over the baby stuff.
You will be on egg shells understandably. No one prepares you for what to say to a pregnant DD at 16. Equally, she will also be treading on eggshells. Hopefully you all find a way to navigate this situation.
Its easy for others to say "be supportive". Only those in this situation know what it's really like. Take care and look after yourself too. Hope you have people in real life to vent to. Where is your DH in all this?

Those things will all still be there for them in 10-15 years when they have more freedom. I wouldn't like it either but I certainly would not be telling my 16 year old that her life would be over or that she would be on her own with no help from me.

you should be supporting her no matter how hard it is for you it is harder for her, she is going to be a mom and she will see how difficult it is without having her own mother waking her up every 2 hours, seriously op i know its hard and you probably imagined her future in a different light but try to be supportive.

Right so she will be giving up on education. I’m sure the mate will be delighted when he returns from his holiday and finds that his flatmates pregnant schoolgirl girlfriend lives there now as well. Surely that’s a non-starter and they need to get their own place?
I really feel for you OP and I would pray that she comes to her senses because this is so so stupid.

No they won’t be, that’s the point. A lot of people pretend that “oh I can just live my youth once my kid is grown”. No, that won’t happen.

Tbh the women I know who had children and had their first between 16 and 18 years old have their lives sorted

Nearly all of them were married (some even before having dc. All bar one had all their children by the time they had hit their early 20s When youngest went to school they started college and got their degree and by the time they were late 20s they were hitting the job market and doing really well. Or they got jobs around their children’s hours of work and some started businesses, some did child minding and wrap around care

Even the ones who were financially struggling were very happy and it didn’t seem to bother them that people thought they had missed out on stuff

How many weeks pregnant is she anyway do you know?

I did it all in my mid / late 30s. Went mad and partied and had a ball. Even went abroad. And pleased myself.

We graduated two days apart, from different universities.

I have zero regrets. And I can’t say the world would be a poorer place without that adult in it. And I made a wrong bad silly stupid choice. Coz it wouldn’t. And I didn’t.

@AppleUnderSwan Please make sure she goes to the midwife appointments so that at least they flag it in the system, they will then alert other services. Please get her to do her A-levels and not give up on her education like that she hasn't even gotten her GCSE results. On results day I'd alert her school to the situation (yes she's leaving but they have a duty of safeguarding nonetheless and will alert SS) about the pregnancy and the fact she's with a 23 year old, you can tell the DSL or her Head of Year and then it doesn't have to come from you but services will get involved to support her which she clearly needs and he'll probably run off or at the best not be consistent in support. The housing situation won't last, will the housemate be happy will a baby? The landlords as well. Hopefully she gets a good Health Visitor who will support her and watch out for the baby as well. I'd also just try tomorrow to make it pretty casual, explain to her how you feel (but don't be aggressive or focus too much on you) just explain your concerns and listen to her as much as you can. Also apologise for your initial reactions and see where it goes from there.

You have to realise that whilst you might think that someone missed out on back packing around the world or going to Uni parties. Some people don’t want that life. I know I could ever understand people wanting to spend their time in dingy youth hostels just because it was what you did.

I do find that quite judgey and you’re entitled to that. I was a young mum - and I knew others. All of us, bar one, got our degrees when our children were at school and have successful careers now. Not on benefits. Not living on sink estates. Going on good holidays (to be fair I don’t think I’d have ever enjoyed travelling as I prefer five star hotels). My parents didn’t look after my baby - I moved out whilst pregnant and increased hours at my weekend job. Was it hard financially? Yes for the first eighteen months. Did we starve? No. Did my baby wake every hour? No, four hours between feeds as newborn and then five hours from about three months.

Did my boyfriend leave me? Also no - he was a good dad and we were together for a long time before we separated (actually lasted a lot longer than marriages of nearest and dearest).

Not every teenage pregnancy is like an eastenders episode. OP just needs to show her daughter support. And her daughter will decide what she wants to do, and she may well surprise the OP.