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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

368 replies

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 15:44

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

OP posts:
BigOldBlobsy · 04/08/2025 19:58

Im really surprised by those commenting that the 23 year old might be okay and could be supportive. He is 23, she is 16. He is a fully fledged adult, she is legally a child regardless of age of consent. Yes she can consent but she’s also a child!
Waking her through the night wasn’t ideal but this is a shock for you both and truthfully it isn’t just DD having a baby it’s you as well.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 20:02

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2025 17:57

So would I. I would be really upset if my daughter was pregnant at 16.

I don't know what "support" I'm expected to offer but it sure as hell wouldn't be, "there, there, do what you think's best" And I'd be making it clear that looking after her baby isn't on my to do list.

And surely it “sure as hell wouldn’t be” subjecting her to being shaken or shouted awake every 2 hours of the night?

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/08/2025 20:09

Grammarnut · 04/08/2025 19:01

She's pregnant. Sixteen year olds are really not children - Starmer wants to give them the vote, after all (bat shit crazy idea!). She is young, however, and needs support, not being woken several times a night to show her what it is like having a baby.

Boyfriend needs looking at.

putting a cross on a piece of paper is hardly comparable to raising a baby. Of all the batshit comments on Mumsnet

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/08/2025 20:10

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 20:02

And surely it “sure as hell wouldn’t be” subjecting her to being shaken or shouted awake every 2 hours of the night?

In comparison to the realities of what she has ahead this is rather insignificant. That she also can’t see this really does say it all.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 20:13

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/08/2025 20:10

In comparison to the realities of what she has ahead this is rather insignificant. That she also can’t see this really does say it all.

Sweet Jesus

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 20:15

Satisfiedwithanapple · 04/08/2025 20:10

In comparison to the realities of what she has ahead this is rather insignificant. That she also can’t see this really does say it all.

What would you do if someone did this to you? OP's daughter reacted by running away to what she believes to be the security of her boyfriend.

No parent would be happy in this situation but the response should be to gain the confidence of the daughter in order to influence her positively NOT fly off the handle and alienate her even more.

LBFseBrom · 04/08/2025 20:15

ThisSharpFox · 04/08/2025 15:48

Yeah, you did act like a 'psycho' to be honest.

You can only do what she asks for at this point.

Yes!

I feel for you but you've made things worse.

grumpygrape · 04/08/2025 20:17

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 16:04

He's 23, any 23 year old who would date a 16 year old is someone to stay away from. She has runaway because she told us that she has no intention of coming home for the indefinite future. Yes I probably have made some mistakes, but I found it impossible to talk to her and hoped something like that might be the only way to get through to her

I was 17, he was 34. Been married for 48 years.

InSpainTheRain · 04/08/2025 20:19

I am aghast - you woke her up every 2 hours?! You say it was to show her what having a baby would be like; I suggest you are trying to give her a hard time and teach her a lesson. A lesson that is now far too late.

The best you can do is read up on how to be supportive and try to build bridges with them. I'm sorry you are going through this but you have to put your DD first and prioritise the relationship with her - however bad you feel about it.

Starbri8 · 04/08/2025 20:21

I’m going to go against the grain here , a lot seemed to have jumped to the conclusion with no evidence that this chap is a paedo or using coercive control. He may not have initially known how old she was . My uncle in the 1970’s dated a girl , introduced her to the family she got pregnant then confessed she was only 16 , she was working in a shop and told him that she was 20 ….he was 23 and they had a quicky wedding (I’m not suggesting this ) he turned out to be a great Dad to their baby and the next 3 that came along and they were married over 55 years and very much in love.

The girl needs support and needs to know she can come home with no judgement, it’s not ideal but she could have given you a lot worse news. Play the cards you have been given . Apologies profusely tell her you temporarily lost the plot. Meet the chap, see the flat , invite both around for dinner to discuss plans and do a Claire’s law check .

PixiePuffBall · 04/08/2025 20:23

AppleUnderSwan · 04/08/2025 15:44

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

"Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like."

What were you thinking? I understand your intentions, but this was only going to drive her away.

ThePoshUns · 04/08/2025 20:29

Play silly games win silly prizes. Your ploy of waking her up every 2 hours was ridiculous. No wonder she has gone off to the boyfriend’s flat.
You need to apologise sharpish for being so silly. Then be there for her.
It is a huge age gap and in understand your concerns but you risk pushing her more to him, if you don’t calm down and act more rationally.

choccytime · 04/08/2025 20:29

Wow , poor girl with a mum like you

Misspotterscat · 04/08/2025 20:34

You’re going to have to play the long game here and it’s not going to be easy because it’s such an emotional experience for you as her mum.

A 23 year old who is in a relationship with a 16 year old is concerning, look up power imbalance in relationships and this will help you to understand that moving forward you will have to tread carefully to make sure she remains in touch so that you can be supportive.

Yes, waking her was the wrong thing to do but you have acknowledged that and hopefully you can now compose yourself and try not to emotionally react any more.

I would give her a couple of days space as she’s likely very overwhelmed right now. I would then reach out with an apology and explaining that you love her and it was a shock but that you will be supportive moving forward. If you don’t get a response I would leave it another few days and then reach out again asking how she’s feeling and if you can drop her anything round to help her if she’s feeling rotten.

Baby steps. (Excuse the pun).

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 04/08/2025 20:34

Hi love. Sorry, parents don’t always make the best choices especially when they panic. Waking you up every 2 hours was daft. I lost my sanity a bit there didn’t I? I’m sorry. I was shocked and frightened. I made a silly decision. I love you. I want to support you and I’d love to meet for a chat. Forgive me please, I’m an idiot.

Fall on your sword a bit, type the text with gritted teeth and stop giving her a reason to make you the enemy. You love her. Don’t lose her.

Zanatdy · 04/08/2025 20:42

I had a baby at 16, no not ideal. My mother was awful at first. Emotional blackmail, throwing everything at me as to why I needed to have an abortion. I found it really hard, as I was getting grief from everywhere, and whilst I understand how upsetting it was for my parents, I could have done with someone just telling me it would be ok. As it was. He is 32 now. I didn’t ruin my life, and I still got a degree and a good job.

Right now you need to dial back trying to show your DD how hard it will be. She wants to keep her baby. My mum adores her eldest GC, and whilst I do get it, I also have never forgotten how hard that time was and the pressure she put me under was excessive and cruel.

Just be there for her now. Tell her you will support what she wants. Apologise if you’ve been OTT, just explain that you want the best in life for her and are worried this will prevent her from achieving her dreams. But you’ll be there no matter what.

RampantIvy · 04/08/2025 20:44

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 04/08/2025 17:20

Gosh, you really ran away with that.

At 17 I was living - and sleeping - with a 27 year old. We met at work. I continued to go to school (A levels) and was very much in control. I got a job at 18 and bought my own house at 19. We split up shortly afterwards. I was always in control and older than my years. I wasn’t groomed. I made sure I didn’t get pregnant.

I had several older boyfriends in my late teens and early 20s. They were a lot more interesting than men my own age and I was more experimental and free spirited than those their own age. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You do realise that this is pretty uncommon and usually concerning?

WeeBookworm · 04/08/2025 20:48

Sleep deprivation is torture. I have PTSD from my mum doing that to me.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2025 20:51

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 20:02

And surely it “sure as hell wouldn’t be” subjecting her to being shaken or shouted awake every 2 hours of the night?

No- did I say I would?

I would however make it very clear that if she chooses to do something as stupid as having a baby at 16 that's her choice. I won't be looking after it. She's on her own.

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 20:52

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2025 20:51

No- did I say I would?

I would however make it very clear that if she chooses to do something as stupid as having a baby at 16 that's her choice. I won't be looking after it. She's on her own.

Why is it stupid to have a baby at 16?

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2025 20:57

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 20:52

Why is it stupid to have a baby at 16?

Because it is. The few posters on here saying it all worked out well for them are the exception.

Blueberry911 · 04/08/2025 21:00

Starbri8 · 04/08/2025 20:21

I’m going to go against the grain here , a lot seemed to have jumped to the conclusion with no evidence that this chap is a paedo or using coercive control. He may not have initially known how old she was . My uncle in the 1970’s dated a girl , introduced her to the family she got pregnant then confessed she was only 16 , she was working in a shop and told him that she was 20 ….he was 23 and they had a quicky wedding (I’m not suggesting this ) he turned out to be a great Dad to their baby and the next 3 that came along and they were married over 55 years and very much in love.

The girl needs support and needs to know she can come home with no judgement, it’s not ideal but she could have given you a lot worse news. Play the cards you have been given . Apologies profusely tell her you temporarily lost the plot. Meet the chap, see the flat , invite both around for dinner to discuss plans and do a Claire’s law check .

Edited

None of this is okay either 🤨

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 21:01

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2025 20:57

Because it is. The few posters on here saying it all worked out well for them are the exception.

That’s not answering my question. Why exactly is it stupid?

Glowingup · 04/08/2025 21:09

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 21:01

That’s not answering my question. Why exactly is it stupid?

Because you are cutting off so many opportunities that you might otherwise have had, such as travelling, seeing the world, building a career and studying. There will be 16 year olds who thinks it’s a good idea to have a baby because they are too immature to realise what it entails and what they are throwing away. Nobody has to have a baby at 16 given the reproductive choices available. I would say that someone who does go ahead with a pregnancy (especially to spite their mum) isn’t making an intelligent decision.

RampantIvy · 04/08/2025 21:13

Tippertapperfeet · 04/08/2025 21:01

That’s not answering my question. Why exactly is it stupid?

It isn't exactly sensible though is it?
If the 16 year old wants to continue in education who looks after the baby?
Will she want to take full responsibility for her child or will she expect other people to help with childcare?
Is she emotionally mature enough to become a parent?