Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Well, 7 years used to be average age difference for partners, though a 16 year old should not be dating a 23 year old. If she was 23 and he was 30 (or vice versa) that would be ok, though.
Irresponsible of him to not make sure she didn't get pregnant - more irresponsible verging on grooming to have a sexual relationship with a 16 year old at all. Somewhat irresponsible of you as parents not to know who she is going out with, though.
All you can do now is continue to be available to her when the inevitable crumble happens - which it will. Both are too young and immature to be having a baby.
Nuts to keep waking her at 2 a.m. btw. What were you thinking? 'Flour Babies'?

This is often trotted out. Unfortunately it’s a no-win situation because when mumsnet are screaming call social services after it’s born she’ll never speak to her again after that. It’s still better to keep the poor baby out of it.

I'm glad to hear that you weren't personally negatively impacted by your age-gap relationships when you were 17, but I'm sure you also understand why age-gap relationships involving minors are so heavily discouraged (and sometimes outright illegal, or often unethical even if legal) in the context of child protection and safeguarding; at the end of the day these are minors, not adults who are equipped with sufficient foresight to make rational judgments about the full extent of impact a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a notably older person can have on one's life.

I found early pregnancy exhausting, the early weeks I'd come home from work and just sleep, if someone was waking me up during this time I'd sure as hell have moved out/away from that person. I've no idea what you were thinking? Her describing you as a psycho isn't far off the mark though, imagine if a man did this to his pregnant partner, there'd be a chorus of get the hell away from him. Instead of being supportive and there for her you've acted like an idiot and pushed her away. Of course anyone would be shocked and yes there is a bit of an age gap, but they aren't doing anything illegal and you can't stop them.

Seems you have some grovelling to do and hope she forgives you.

My (literally Victorian) grandparents made less of a hash of dealing with it when my mother was pregnant with me under not ideal circumstances.

Be very, very careful what you do next if you want her in your life.

Point is lots of people have skipped to the “paedophile”/grooming comments when it is entirely possible not to be anything of the sort.

She has the right to have sex and to continue the pregnancy, so you can only support her and make it clear that she's always welcome in your home.

The problem with that is that the DD can hear 'I'll look after the baby whenever you want to have a normal teenage life going to parties/clubs. And I'll pay for all the things the baby (and you) need because you have no money.'

She's pregnant. Sixteen year olds are really not children - Starmer wants to give them the vote, after all (bat shit crazy idea!). She is young, however, and needs support, not being woken several times a night to show her what it is like having a baby.

Boyfriend needs looking at.

The 2 hourly wake up thing is nuts! (Or “psycho” as your DD rightly put it). For a start not every baby wakes to be fed every 2 hours through the night (even newborns), and also parents are ideally supposed to get enough rest before baby comes, in order to help them deal with the broken nights. How is it going to help your daughters and the babies health if you constantly disturb her sleep now just to prove a point 🙄

You can’t force her to terminate- for some young women it’s just not an option emotionally, even if it might seem madness in her situation to keep it. Instead imo you need to focus on supporting your daughter, so you don’t push her further into the arms of the much older boyfriend. She needs to know you will be there for her, if (when) things go wrong.

A caring mother would not wake her pregnant DD every 2 hours just to make a point. This tells me you are a controlling lunatic.

I feel sorry for the girl. Being pregnant at 16 and pushed to be dependent on a 23 year old weirdo must be awful.

I had a baby at that age too.

Theres no way she’s getting through this pregnancy without crying for her mum! Send an olive branch and wait for it.

Your DD can choose to leave home, but you remain responsible legally for her wellbeing. So you have the right and indeed the responsibility to ensure that her living arrangements are safe and suitable. A decent stable and responsible 23 year old man does not typically partner with a 16 year old and cause a pregnancy, so you can't take DDs endorsement of him at face value. If I were you I'd contact a parenting helpline, NSPCC or family lives for some advice on how to proceed, because I think you're right to be very concerned and would benefit from some professional input as to how to best go about protecting DD.

Remember the first time you realised what you'd do to protect a child (maybe your own or a younger sibling or a niece or nephew) from anybody who tried to harm them? Remember that determination and fury.

At this point your daughter is protecting her child from you. You are currently the threat. First trimester pregnancy is tiring in a way that's different to the tired that comes from caring for a newborn.

So, stuff to consider:

• What might help your daughter think of you as an ally rather than a threat to your grandchild?
• Miscarriage stats - lots of early pregnancies don't carry on so you may not need to do much for a while.
• Has she spoken to her GP / a midwife? Worth encouraging her to do this. Also worth talking about folic acid and vitamin D as being things she should be taking.
• Has she found the NCT/Mumsnet/Netmums/your local Facebook mums group? Some of the reality of caring for babies is there and it'll hopefully show her local second hand sales for baby clothes and stuff.
• Healthy Start card / vitamins once she's 10 weeks pregnant.
• Can you manage if she and the baby live with you beyond the first six months? Is there space? Your planning in your head needs to accommodate them staying together or splitting up.
• What support with childcare can you offer? You have time to think about this. And the answer can be 'can't do any because I need to be at work'.
• How the next academic year will work for her at school/college.
• Finances can come later, but worth looking up Care to Learn for childcare funding whilst she's in school/college and Universal Credit. If she's got a part time job earning more than about £30/week she will qualify for Maternity Allowance so worth her maximising her hours at work over the qualifying weeks (an online calculator will help). I think there's still a £500 grant available for a first child once she's claiming a means tested benefit.
• You don't have the trust for this conversation at the moment, but if/when you do, worth saying it's 2025 and there's no need to rush into living together with a partner just because she's pregnant. That's a relationship decision and most people wouldn't live with someone they've been dating for four months. They need more time to get to know each other. He could co-parent living elsewhere.

They won’t force a 16 year old home.

Waking her every 2 hours- you're nuts! No wonder she left.

I fell pregnant at 18, whilst still in 6th form. My parents hugged me and told me it would all work out. I chose to leave home and they supported me to furnish a flat, whilst I carried on my studies and worked part time.

No my parents weren't wonderful- there was a lot (and I mean A LOT!!) of domestic violence throughout my childhood which I'm still receiving therapy for. However in that period of time they did all they could to support me.

You had an oppprtunity to develop an adult relationship with your daughter, she'll be scared, frightened and excited all at once. Her emotions and hormones will be all over the place. Yet you choose to emotionallly abuse her in her time of need. Don't be surprised if she doesn't come back. I wouldn't in her place.

So essentially, you were pressuring her to have an abortion and she was unreceived so you thought you'd bully her into it by waking her every 2 hours? That's nuts.

What’s done is unfortunately done. I know it’s frowned upon but 25 years ago I met my DH when I was 16 and he was 22. We got married when I was 20 and had a baby when I was 23. Still married now! I think I may also feel differently if it was my 16 year old daughter but I think the best thing is to support your daughter otherwise you risk loosing both her and your grandchild 🥺

Unfortunately you've underkined any arugment you had, by making yourself look like a nutcase waking her every 2 hours.

Your only option here is to say, whilst I didn't have teenage parenthood on my list of things I wanted for you, I'm here for you and will love this baby too!
And be supportive. Don't mention the boyfriend. Yes, sketchy- but you'll strengthen them by being against him or their relationship.

The police are not going to force an almost 17 year old home, and unfortunately because of OP's batshit behaviour the daughter can make a good case for the fact she left an abusive home. As sleep depriving a pregnant 16 year old would probably be classed as abuse if the dd tells police/ss.

There is a long running MN thread where the OP's 16 year old (boy) left home to move in with a coercive controlling 27 year old woman. There was a lot of input from SS, police and his college counsellors but at the end their hands were tied as the boy insisted he wanted to be there.

OP's best strategy would be to try and build bridges to keep the communication like open - unfortunately OP's crazy behaviour has right now pushed her daughter closer to the bf. Perhaps the best way would be to start slowly and invite her for coffee/lunch in town and just talk to her rather than trying to law down the law.

Be there for her.

I think you need to separate out three things

1. what you feel and think about the choices she has made
2. what you can do about it now
3. how to plan for the medium and long term with your daughter and potential grandchild

It’s ENTIRELY reasonable to be angry and worried sick about her future. I know you are getting a hard time here but I think most posters would share your anger, fear and worries, it’s mot the ideal that most of us would have planned for our 16 year old kids.

However, and it’s a big HOWEVER, there is fuck all that you can do about it . So there’s no point in throwing your weight around, arguing , trying to talk her out if it, moving back in etc. You can’t control her or her choices so you need to at least put on a good act of accepting it and supporting her. You will also need to be polite and reasonable with her BF, whether you like it or not.

The chances of this working out with her Bf are very low - everyone reading this knows that. So you need to working on rebuilding your relationship with her so that you can be there for her when it falls apart. @independentfriend has given you some great suggestions - you need to be very low key about it all, don’t try to boss her about. Respect her right to make her own her choices, even though you don’t like them.

Personally I’d NOT offer a lpt of financial suport and be buying expensive things for the baby. That’s the role for her and the baby’s father - they need to take responsibility. I think there’s too much focus on a baby as a consumer opportunity and not enough on the new mums physical and mental health ( but that’s just me ).

If you wade in buying expensive travel systems and £3K buggies, the baby’s father will feel pushed out. You want the opposite - him to step up. He’s not a child , he needs to take the lead here not you.

So Id be there for her when she wants it - yes meet up somewhere public, get to meet him, keep the conversation polite and low stakes. If you don’t , you could lose your daughter forever .

She hasn't 'ran away' she's moved out of your house and unsurprisingly so. I can't believe you woke a pregnant woman/teenager up every 2 hours. She needs her sleep and must have been exhausted. What were you aiming to achieve by this? We're you trying to change her mind and have an abortion, that she could regret for the rest of her life or make her stressed and worried about becoming a mum?

You sound very unsupportive and could have ruined any relationship you might have had with your grandchild.
Not all babies wake every 2 hours. Both of mine have slept really well from newborn. I know I could never forgive my partner if they acted like that when I needed them the most. Hopefully her boyfriend and he's family are more supportive.

I do agree the age gap is a worry but you've literally forced her to move in with him. If you were supportive you could have been there and helped and spotted any red flags.

I'd want to go and live somewhere else if I was being woken every two hours just to "teach" me what motherhood entails! Do we do this to every newly pregnat woman as part of helping them prepare for the arrival of their first child?

The police will not go anywhere near this and nor will social services unless the baby is at risk of harm or DD makes a complaint about having been groomed or raped, which plainly she is not going to do. Your feelings about all of this are understandable, OP, but she's not a child anymore and she can make choices you don't like. The only way you will stay involved with her or the baby is if you work to build her trust in you back up.

Pregnant women don't set an alarm for every 2 hours during the night to get used to it, so yes that was a ridiculous thing to do.