FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

Hmm, I think she is striving for independence and doesn't want to be told what to do by her mother anymore. Making her go to activities? She's 18, she's an adult, start treating her like one and let her do what she wants. When I was 18 all I wanted to do was sleep in until 2pm and then go out, get drunk and kiss boys. It's normal. But stop babying her by giving her lifts and things like that, if she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to organize her own social life not be reliant on mummy and daddy.

It seems like your resentful that she got the nicest room because you don't think she deserves it, it sounds to me like she's the scapegoat in the family and over time it has deteriorated your relationship. This is probably why she is defiant. It sounds like she's trying to separate herself from the family and make her own decisions, which is fair enough as she's an adult now.

We don't grow up and gain responsibility by being told to by our angry mothers who have obvious distain for us, we do it by being allowed to make our own decisions and fail. She will be going to uni soon, just let her get on with it until she leaves, it sounds like you both need some space from one another.

Stop. Just stop. No lifts, no cooking or washing, no meals. No money. She's an adult. She behaves or fucks off.

Would I be like that with a child who was behaving well? No. But this one has made her choices.

Where does she get her money and can she actually drive her car?

Who's paying for the lessons?

And why are grandparents spoiling her when she's so foul?

Who the fuck puts a 7k carpet in a teenager’s room?

Most 18 years olds treat their houses like hotels, it's normal. All these.people saying their 18 year old cleans the whole house and sets the table for her guests without being asked, that's not normal. Just let her be, she will be moving out soon. You don't like her, that much is clear, to us and definitely to her too. I had a similar relationship with my mother.

Stop giving her money. Switch off the internet for a bit or take her phone off her, esp if you pay the bill. And show her where the front door is with this instruction:
“that’s the front door. You are free to walk through it any time and make your own way in the world where you can do as you like, standing on your own two feet. But if you want to stay here, you must recognise that this is a family home with ground rules set by your Father and me, who support you and love you but deserve some respect for the way we choose to run our home. If you don’t want to live by those rules, walk through the door and find somewhere you can live by your own rules.”
It usually works. 3 young adults who have all had a version of this chat, and now with youngest also just finished A levels but she cooks, washes up, shops for groceries if needed and does a base level of tidying and sorting even if it’s not perfect. You are right to feel aggrieved and need to deal with it firmly setting clear boundaries with consequences you must follow through on. But you know this, right?

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist? The fact that 3 of your children are fine suggests your parenting may be objectively fine, but not a good fit for this child. She’s built different. It’s time to rule out any medical reasons for her behavior.

Of course

And that's why she performs perfectly outside of the home and was head girl of her school (and don't say she's masking)

Why not assume that she's an entitled little madam who's being pulled up about it at long last?

Why assume the OP doesn't like her?

It's not unreasonable to resent being treated like the House elf

7k carpet?? No??

Why on earth do you feel guilty?

This!WTAF??

I doubt the girl would be happy with just leaving be. The days of teens going to uni by train with a suitcase long gone.
No doubt she’ll expect Op to drive her around to various shops getting her kitted out with household and decorative items (and paying), pay her accommodation - £500 deposit due tomorrow Mummy. Then book a slot to move in at 12 noon on a workday and expect parents to drive her and all her stuff there and carry it in (we needed overnight in hotel due to uni choice) if Op has younger kids and oodles of animals that’s a lot of planning.

You've given her a wake up call and she seems to be responding & it sounds as if your DH is on board too. She's been trampling over your kindness through the revision phase until you snapped because you felt used. I'd try now to aim for the middle ground of calm, clear rules about pulling her weight, with consequences you follow up on, and an understanding of what it is and isn't reasonable to expect from you and DH. I'd make a real effort to avoid snapping at her or harsh punishments though. My now adult children say my disappointed face was usually more effective than my cross face.

Re. lying in bed, I'd leave that to her so long as she comes down to feed her dog first thing and send the dog up to her if she doesn't. I eventually decided room tidiness was not a hill to die on, so long as they cleaned them out every couple of weeks and didn't have food in rooms, though it's your house and your rules.

Perhaps you can try and get back to how things were by having a proper conversation in a couple of days when you've all calmed dow You can explain more fully why you blew your top and what her behaviour made you feel and find out more about how she's feeling. Different young adults respond differently, but we found they took more notice of serious conversations, rather than us just responding to ongoing difficult behaviour. Perhaps it felt more respectful and when emotions aren't heightened there's less need to disengage and dismiss what we were saying as 'mum just having a strop on'.

“Hun, you’ve done none of the stuff you’ve committed to, you’re slovenly, ungrateful, rude to your parents and grandparents and don’t expect to have to do the minimum to support yourself despite the fact you’re an adult, I’ve got you a cleaner.”

Christ.

God what an overprivileged brat. Hope she self reflects soon and realises that she's going to repel people acting like that.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't great at that age. I wasn't gifted cars etc but I was very dismissive of family and just wanted to be with friends 24/7. Room was also a shithole. I think life gradually beat it out of me.

Pleased your younger one is pleasant OP, that's some sunshine for you in a parenting low.

She is going to really struggle in the real world with all this entitled behaviour. She is in for one helluva shock.

If she was mine I certainly would do nothing more than give her food and somewhere to stay.

Also - Why are you paying for activities for her?

Someone's always making the special needs excuse on here! Just a selfish teenage arsehole I think you'll find, thankfully one with sensible parents who aren't letting her get away with it. OP will you be reallocating bedrooms once DD leaves for uni?

You reap what you sow.

You need to put your foot down and say; 'Sorry no can do'. If she screams and shouts, ignore her. She is old enough to know better and is just being difficult. She needs to grow out of it to face uni. I wouldn't even make meals or anything, not do washing, I don't know about kind parenting. What about kind childing? I watched a programme with Simon Reeve on BBS last night and it featured a little boy of about 10 in India who had to work so as not to go hungry. That was about twelve years ago. Now, at the age of twenty, he worked his way up to owning a rick shaw and has a son of his own and is so proud of what he has achieved. Simon Reeve was in tears as he had feared for those children. Why do we pander to our children?

You've created a monster!

£7K on a carpet for a teen's bedroom?

@adultnotadult if she's just finished A levels and by your own accounts has excelled and been respectful in school have you thought maybe she's just drained from year 13 and needs to blow off some steam before uni.

@LBFseBrom

why should OP spend her hard earned cash on a cleaner to clean up after her lazy slobby adult daughter?? No the the daughter can clean up after herself and OP can save her money to spend on something more worthwhile.

Hope you've said to her exactly what you named this post. She needs to wake up and realise the world won't be handed to her on a plate (although sounds like it has until now). And don't clean her room before her friends come. Let them see the pigsty she chooses to leave it in