FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

And then she'll just be grumpy in her room for the duration!

I’m not surprised that she can’t wait to go to uni! She’s just finished her exams and it’s summer break, why can’t she wallow in bed? Why is she cooking family meals and cleaning all the bathrooms? What’s wrong with letting teenagers just be teenagers?

She’ll be off in a couple of months and she’ll figure it all out, as all young adults do when they move out. She’ll probably live like a pig for a few months and then start getting her act together.

Because she's 18 years old - an adult who isn't working and who needs to contribute to the running of the home she lives in!

Loads of kids work round here from 16yrs and above. There not supposed to be at home draining their parents because they can't be bothered. We're away next weekend, if my daughter wants her nails and toes like she says she does she can pay for it.

Return the car to the grandparents
Refuse all requests for lifts
Don't wash her clothes
If she's going to spill stuff on expensive items then remove them from her room

The basics;
Food
Speak to her calmly
Carry on doing stuff as per normal with the others, don't ask her to join you or give any information as to where you are going
Write a small list with clear instructions of what you expect her to do whilst you're doing other things, thank her afterwards and offer her a cuppa/coffee and her favourite cake/biscuit and just sit down with her. If she refuses don't react, if she agrees then just chat about Music etc, not Uni or future plans.... keep it neutral
Hopefully this is just a case of her adjusting to new challenges
Good luck!!

Why can’t she wallow in bed?

Because generally adults have to sustain themselves.

The time to try those sort of sanctions was 8 years ago
How do you stop an 18 year old from leaving the house?
Unless you're literally prepared to chuck her out, which most parents would see as an absolute last resort and overkill for being lazy and messy, you just look like an idiot when she rolls her eyes and walks out anyway.

First resort should be having a calm conversation along the lines of if she wants to be treated like an adult that involves giving and not just taking so contributing to the household. Part of that will involve OP making some concessions too - for example no food in bedroom is fair but if she doesn't want to open her windows then leave it, her room might smell a bit stale but it won't affect the rest of the house. If she doesn't want to get up and 'do stuff' i.e. actually leave the house and go anywhere then fine, but at some point she has to do x and y chore.

Otherwise it's natural consequences that OP is actually in a position to do - i.e.
you don't help us out so we won't help you - no money, no lifts, I won't do your washing, pay for your phone or horse or car insurance, etc.

@heroinechic Op says she’s already had 2 weeks of bed rotting as my teen calls it after exams.
Cooking for family one night a week is quite common before uni. Good to build up repertoire of recipes, get used to shopping for ingredients/prices etc.
Keep your spaces clean, look after your animals and chip in with some family chores is hardly arduous.
Hopefully she’s going to a uni with lots of her kind, not fair for flatmates to have to put up with her living like a pig. One of my dc’s flatmates never washed up all year!

Why are you giving her lifts when she has a car?

This book aimed at parents of new teenagers did spring to mind..

Too many PP’s to respond directly but yes, she should have had a Sunday job from 16 at least. I’m just saying that I don’t agree that teenagers should need to be cooking tea for the family 3 nights a week, cleaning all the bathrooms etc.

If she has a job she should go, if she has pets she should look after them, and if she doesn’t want to get out of bed to attend an activity you should take that money from her savings and not pay again.

But if she wants to stay in bed until the afternoon, see her friends when it suits her etc then let her. She’ll be gone soon enough! Being a child at home is pretty much the only time in her life that she’ll be looked after. In a few months she’ll be looking after herself, and eventually her own family.

OP - I wouldn’t pay too much attention to the inevitable’‘you’ve created this monster’ crap you get on here.

the fact that 3 of your kids have turned out to be reasonable, thoughtful humans suggests you’ve done ( and are doing) a great job.

unfortunately, it might just be her personality. Or her age.

i think the best thing you can do is demonstrate to her that her behaviour isn’t going to bring her success in life. Not in career, relationships or friendships. The best way to do this is to set strict rules, make her earn privileges and show no mercy.

Being a dick has consequences.

some people only learn through tough life lessons. Better it comes from you in the form of no lifts and house rules, than getting the sack from a graduate job.

You don’t buy a 10 year old a puppy then consider rehoming it when they don’t look after it, even 8 years later… you buy a family dog with the expectation that you’re the adult who will be looking after it.

And stop making threats you won’t follow through on (assuming you’re not actually going to start giving animals away), it won’t help change her behaviour.

I was a single parent to 2 now young adults and they would NEVER have treated me like this even as teens. I would t have allowed it. Don’t yell, just tell her how disappointed you all are. Tell her she has to abide by reasonable rules like no food in rooms and damage paid for. She walks all over you.

i agree, I stayed in bed late long after the age of eighteen.

Op, from what you've said you can afford a cleaner.

Oh and please stop calling her a lazy madam etc. It doesn’t achieve anything except more resentment. Ruthlessly focus on the behaviour. So what if she doesn’t go to her activity? Take the loss from her allowance. Let her start having real consequences but keep calm-I know it’s hard. Talk to her in a reasonable voice and follow through. The pets? Tough one. I put up with years of begging from my youngest to have a snake because I knew I didn’t want to look after it when it inevitably got neglected. I think you’ll have to carry on-but tell her they are no longer her pets as she has abandoned ownership through her neglect. They belong to the family now.

Then don’t give them a lift! Tell her you’re not doing her any more favours until she starts respecting you and the house rules. She will be embarrassed in front of her friends and will learn the hard way. She’s behaving this way because you’re letting her - she gets away with it and you still give her what she wants (eg lifts to go shopping with her friends).

Most 18-year-olds I know work over the summer before uni starts to save some money, does she have a job? Might be an idea to look for one.

I think you sound an amazing parent
She's obviously done really well at school, studied hard and was head girl so there's loads of hope
Once you've decided enough is enough she is doing all the things you ask - although with a bit of attitude- and must recognise where the boundary is.
You gave her freedom and time to relax so you're not over strict, but when you've told her enough she's responded.
If she was spoilt beyond hope that wouldn't have happened, and looking at her achievements at school etc this is probably a blip.
Teenagers can be very lazy and selfish but you are showing her the way! Keep showing her till September and I'm sure she'll be ok
Her room might be a mess at uni, but she has a good work ethic with her studies and I'm sure will grow up and make you proud in the next few years.

Sorry but it's partly of your own making. You should have explained that she couldn't have the biggest room because she's about to go to uni and stuck by it. You are stressed about a £7k carpet which is extremely expensive for a teenager's bedroom. Sounds like you usually do everything she wants lift-wise - I would not do that even for younger children if they weren't respectful. The activities you are paying for - you don't need to. If she doesn't seem interested or grateful, knock it on the head.
She's 18 and an adult and if you stop doing what she wants she'll have no choice but to work it out for herself or become more respectful and grateful.
My 17 year old has a very messy room though. I also say no food upstairs, and also said that to my eldest who has moved out, but no one ever took any notice. I sometimes nag about the room but most of the time I shut the door on it and ignore it. It's not the worst thing that ever happened. They're not always the most organised at that age, and their brains are not fully developed yet. They're often delightful when they are children, then have a horrible phase, and then return to being nice again in their 20s.
I don't agree with making threats about her pets, it's not their fault.

You've created a monster - only got yourself to blame

No, is a simple very short word and also a complete sentence.

You need to start using it frequently !

Get the carpet cleaned, then get it lifted and put it in the attic until she moves out of the home.

Buy some cheap vinyl and have it in her room - if she is so immature and spoilt that she is unable and unwilling to look after and respect her room, then she doesn't get to have a nice room.

At her age she is far too old for you to be paying for her activities.

Her exams are finished and she can get a job to pay for her activities, and driving lessons if no one has already bought them for her.

At 18 she is now legally an adult, she needs to act like one.

And actually the problem is that she doesn't seem bothered that much about leaving the house other to see friends. Chuck in "and your grounded" and it's a great excuse for her to not even look for a part time job.
I think teenagers in this way need to be out of the house doing stuff, it would be more productive for her if she was at the stables with her horse rather than lounging in bed or picking up driving lessons or going to the gym over the summer. Maybe she could even get a job at a local stable if she knows the work already to pay for her lifestyle. My daughter is super busy doing different stuff, she only lounges in bed when its her day off.
But I would agree that grounding at 18yr old is totally pointless, not giving them money for extras there friends have like new trainers, nail appointments, lashes etc or running around giving them lifts hits them far harder.

I’m glad you’ve started to be firmer. I’d have returned the car to her grandparents to keep if she hadn’t sent a Thank you, personally. She sounds dreadfully spoilt and ungrateful.

If the nail varnish on the carpet was a genuine accident for which she’d apologised, I’d leave it, but it sounds like it was laziness and a total lack of care, so I’d be deducting the cost of cleaning/new carpet from whatever she has to go to uni. She needs to learn some lessons.

At her age, I already had a P/T job and did some volunteering to get life experience too. I also did whatever housework/washing I was asked to (got left a list) and often baked or cooked the evening meal. I wouldn’t have dreamt of lying in bed till 2pm! In fact, I’ve never lay in that late in my whole life!

Your DD is going to have a shock going to uni. Don’t give in to her, don’t finance her laziness, get back the money for the damaged carpet - and not only will your life be easier, you’ll actually be doing your DD a big favour by helping her mature into a competent and considerate adult.

No one saying mummy darling you are giving my friends a lift would be getting a lift from me. And I’m pretty generous on lifts front! But dd needed to agree it with me and not just spring it on me.
The whole dynamic with car is bizarre to me.
Once they are learning to drive then usually the teen would drive with mum or dad supervising it’s how they get practice in not mum giving lifts everywhere.