FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

You told her she wasn't going out unless her room was tidy.
She's tidied the floor but not hoovered.

You are part of the problem!

This kind of attitude is exactly why some daughters hate their mothers.

She might be an ‘adult’ but having just turned 18 she might as well still be a ‘child’. She’s only just left school ffs. It’s such an arbitrary line to draw. People don’t wake up on their 18th birthday and all of a sudden they’re well rounded, emotionally intelligent, self sufficient individuals.

Isolating and targeting her by not cooking for her, doing her laundry when you’re doing everyone else’s etc is cruel and sounds like bullying to me tbh.

@Gmary22

does liking your daughter mean you have to be their slave and be a martyr to them?

Is it just your parenting? Your children might be a totally different kettle of fish to this girl.

An 18 year old is not going to value a £7K carpet... It's easy to see where it has all gone wrong.

Does she have ASD/ADHD? Whilst she is old enough to do the right thing and expect consequences for bad behaviour, she might also be someone whose executive functioning is poor and who really struggles to do what comes more naturally to many teenagers.

i thought she had a car?

OP, if only you were able to send her away abroad to a strict environment abroad- like in World’s Strictest Parents 😅

She’d come back with her tail between her legs and apologise to you 😄

Tell her to watch that on YouTube 👍

She does, but she can't drive it yet

She hasn't said if she has an ASD/ADHD carpet, but for a teen something from IKEA would have been a better choice (and wouldn't cost £7K!)

I have a 22 year old. After going into halls and witnessing others unable to cook and clean up my daughter was shocked. She's super self-sufficient these days.
She had a hard time at school but I went in every morning singing a song from Annie* to get her up. Eventually she laughed.
My niece is ADHD and she can't do listed chores. You have to ask her what she wants to do and she cracks on.
Fwiw I have a older son, ex head boy who likes a flounce. He is living with us to save for a house but gosh it's hard work. He does do his chores but we still breathe a sigh of relief when he trots off to his gf. Golden children don't like to give up their crown! Although he does a fair amount of my nursing as I've been very ill.

• Tomorrow is the song

I wouldn’t let my kids ‘draw lots’ for a room, it would be my decision entirely who gets what room in the bloody house I’m paying for. The result is that you’re going to have the biggest room sitting mostly empty, which is ridiculous.

Sorry ment to say buy gel nail remover which is stronger (I'm a nail expert). Try tweezering it first.

Then that’s an incentive to pass her test isn’t it,

“So sorry, lazy girl , no more lifts, but luckily I believe your friends parents are a lot more accommodating than me, because their children understand that these things are reciprocal.”

How is she learning on the car if it isn’t insured!

Sounds like a humble brag tbh 🥱
You need to iether parent her better or
Stop going on about the dynamic you as the adult are responsible for.
If she dosent value money or time - nice one that's the vaules and skill set you've developed.

OP, how is she learning on the car if it isn’t insured ?

Well I think some of it is normal teenage behaviour tbh. Having a disgusting, messy room, eating food in there (and letting it rot) despite rules to the contrary, and staying in bed all day. None of that is unusual. You chose to put an expensive carpet in there - which was probably not a good idea.

Yes she should have said thank you to Granny, but it sounds as though she was just expecting a car given her older sibling got one.

I wouldn't expect my dc to look after younger sibings - I did that as a child and it sucked tbh. I don't think that's fair. Nor would I (or did I) make mine clean every day. They all had to help with the cleaning on cleaning day, and do ad hoc tasks during the week. When they got jobs then they didn't have to do so much. They had to cook one or two meals a week. And walk the dogs - I had to do a rota for all of these jobs otherwise there was too much bickering (them) and nagging (me).

All of my dc have got (paid)jobs by sixth form. My 17 year old got Saturday job this year and will be increasing his hours over the summer. My dc who are now at university come back and work. They don't expect anything else tbh.

I actually don't agree with all the pp that are saying she's a grown up. (and I know this will encourage all of the "but I moved out and was working at 17" posters to come along) . In my experience they really aren't grown up at 18. But still no excuse for rudeness and entitlement.

Even if she transforms into the perfect daughter, it still makes no sense for her to have the biggest room when she's about to go to uni. The adults should have decided who got what room based on what made most sense, not let her bully younger siblings over it and then leave it to chance. It sounds like you have become slightly afraid of her or afraid of dealing with her moodiness - she somehow got used to "demanding" things and then getting them.

It's good you now have her doing all those chores. You need to sort the bedroom situation too and give the big room to one of the younger kids.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing enforcing chores now that it's 2 weeks since the exams.

BUT this is so common and it's a developmental thing - they've got to hate you so that they can bear to leave. (Sorry if this has been said a thousand times already)

At the same time, although it's completely illogical, leaving home can also unconsciously feel like a rejection by you (they are projecting their bad feelings onto you) and they respond to that with hurt anger.

So while you continue to insist on chores (especally animal chores!) try and keep that in mind - it makes it easier to stay calmer and fundamentally kind I think. Whereas at the moment you are responding with hurt anger and lashing out a bit?

She's probably got away with things here and there over time and now got used to it. Messy rooms etc is pretty normal for a teenager but it's the entitled attitude I wouldn't stand for. She sounds exactly like my younger cousin at 18, and now she's very slightly better but still pretty much the same at 22 as her parents would tell her off but never take firm action. I also think if it's not too much hassle it makes sense to reshuffle the rooms so one of the younger ones get it too. Hopefully being away for uni will help her be more appreciative and respectful when she comes back

She's spoilt.

Tell her unless she does more, helps out more, she'll lose the big bedroom.

It might work, however I suspect that it won't, as she won't be expecting you to actually follow through with it.

What are you like with rules and boundaries, OP?

You raised a spoilt and entitled brat and are now reaping the consequences.
she is 18, why has she not moved out to share a flat with friends?
I left home at 17.
it terrifies me how parents are pandering to their kids.

Exactly, it's cruel, bullying and terrible parenting. Imagine not doing anything like cooking or washing for your own child?
Something has gone very badly wrong in this relationship, and it's going to take some work to restore.

When she goes to university next oldest gets the bedroom for studying. Empty it get professional carpet cleaners in and start again.