FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

Do parents really accept “I’m not chipping in with family chores for 6 months because I’m revising,” as a valid get out jail free card? Really??
if so, why the fuck? 😱
half an hour a day to unload the dishwasher , run the Hoover round the kitchen and maybe empty a bin at the bare minimum. I’m not a strict parent but during college exams I expected the same behaviour and pulling of weight as I did the rest of the year.
I don’t let the house fall to shit when I’ve got a big work project coming to an end!

Stop giving her money, lifts and anything else you psy for. Don't pay for her phone. Tell her to get a job.

I was married with a mortgage a full time job and working my way through a house that needed everything doing to it at 18

The very idea of sitting around whispering to my friends in my bedroom still living at home was just something at that age was pretty much unheard of. My friends sister was married with 2 children and pregnant with her 3rd at not much older

Something has gone very wrong. I can’t even imagine sitting in my family home whispering to a group of friends how horrible my mother was for not giving us a lift

If your dd got gifted a car, why isn’t she driving or has she not passed her test?In which case why give a car?

By any chance did she have a job during year 12&13? Has she got a job now?

My daughter is 18 next Saturday, she's at work today and every day next week as she's saving for her trip to Ibiza with her friends, after work she's riding her current loan horse which she contributes too. Shock horror she's also driving herself there.

Surely your DDs car should be insured and she should be out looking for a job as well as driving herself to her friends houses?

Agree. Something has gone very wrong and not just in this particular case.

Time for tough love: Put her out now. G'son was put out at 16 for issues (just before Covid) and he is now the most amazing adult with a lot of "experiences". He did have a considerable amount of support mentally and physically. Not easy to do, not easy to watch. It will make all of the budding adults plus the precious one appreciate their parents.

She can’t wait to go to university. Apparently so we all get off her case. I think she will fly at university although it might sort up the shit tip of a room.

Card to Granny has now been done under duress. DH went to his parents yesterday and insisted she got up and did the card before he left. He stood there with the card and pen and stood over her.

Doesn’t bloody matter what the cost of the carpet is - could be a £70 rug you still don’t put nail varnish all over it - it’s treating our stuff and us with respect.

Magnetic list of chores up on the board in the kitchen. She has pressure washed the dog food bins and left them to dry, she has cleaned the bathroom and kitchen bin. List of 4 jobs each done up on her board including cooking the evening meal. Much eye rolling and huffing but it’s tough shit.

Yesterday was an exasperated post at her entitlement, I’m not a shit parent. All the kids have had lots of love, encouragement and support and challenge and boundaries. It’s the last 6 months where she’s become horrendous but we knew the exams were hardcore and she was a nightmare and we gave a bit.

But exams are over so it has to stop, I’m done with it.

Drop the rope.

I wonder if you're quite a high achieving family with a lot of expectations?

I lived with a girl at uni. She was allocated to the same flat as me in Halls. She turned up with her family on day one, explained Daddy run businesses and she had gone to private school in Dubai.

She used to “hide” her dirty plates in our cupboards, or bring them out when one of us was washing up our own stuff and put them next to the sink and expecting us to pick them up.

When confronted, and after bizarrely denying that her mouldy plates and her dirty cutlery had been placed in a food cupboard by her, she broke down in tears that we should have a cleaner.

She made no friends to our knowledge, moved out before Christmas in first year never to be seen again, and when the Halls company came to check her room out they showed us her room which still had expensive furnishings she’s abandoned littered with all sorts of rubbish including used period products.

I still have her on Facebook. She’s a singer in a posh hotel that her Dad owns. I don’t doubt she’ll rely on him for everything for the rest of her life.

You don’t want to allow her to get away with being too privileged.

I’d bet large amount of money this DD had never had a paid job or expectation to have one @aCatCalledFawkes.

What, expecting an 18 year old not to trash their bedroom is "high expectations" now is it?!

Why are posters too lazy to RTFT - at least the OP posts?

Got to disagree with you there. She’s acting like she’s 8, contributing nothing and living bill free under someone else’s roof. That’s not an adult.

She needs to learn actions have consequences. I know you’ve been trying to do this but it needs to be consistent and every time.
If she doesn’t look after the room and keep it tidy. She’d be out of that room and in smallest bedroom, whether she’d won it fairly originally or not is immaterial now.
With the entitlement over the car, there would be no lifts at all until she learnt basic manners and gave thanks. So she’d better have cash for an Uber for herself and any friends for the foreseeable future.
Shes 18 but you still have some sway here…she needs you for food and a roof over her head. You need to be absolutely consistent through and give a consequence every time this disrespect happens. Like others have said, this hasn’t happened overnight and shes learnt she can be disrespectful with flimsy threats that she doesn’t take seriously.

Just to add too, my exH and I made our daughter work her arse off to prove to us that she deserved a loan horse. She's been working in the stables since she was 14yrs (paid), now works in a garden centre and has never taken it for granted. It's a shame your daughter has got to the point of entitlement where she can't even get out of bed for her own horse when there so many kids doing what they can just to get a snip of what it's like there own horse. As a non horsey family (she's the first) we have always thought there was a lot of entitlement in the horse world.

Have thought of starting up some form of reform school🤣🤣
it just shocks me that so little is expected of some teens and children.

You are definitely not a shit parent, you’ve just looked after her way too much. Remember that if you as her mum are massively pissed off with it, the outside world will have no patience with this at all and life will be hard for her until she learns this. To be bought a car by a grandparent and not show gratitude is disgusting (sorry, it’s a reflection on her at 18 and not you) and I hope that conversation has been had very bluntly rather than just making her write the card. Good progress on the chores, make sure that’s a daily thing. My 7 year old has just vacced up the house, I’ll be doing it later when she’s unaware, but it makes it clear from day one we all live here and respect it.

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if someone has already flagged this but could your daughter have ADHD? Sounds like the classic symptoms.

Emotional dysregulation and avoidance behaviours e.g. hyperfocus burnout, messy room, outbursts, fatigue etc.

Chat GPT the symptoms and you may be surprised.

You allowed her to get like this so you need to put your foot down and sort her out. Why is she allowed to go off with friends with her room like that and mouldy food up there??? Where’s she getting her money from?? And she doesn’t need a massive bedroom if going off to uni … put her in a smaller one. She can pay to get the ruined carpet cleaned by working around the house to work off her debt. Gently walking her up at 2pm … go in there and tell her to get up 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Does she have a job? How is uni being funded? Will get room sit empty once she is at uni or will it be swapped for another DC?

It sounds like you're beginning to do some of the right things (now); don't be guilted or shamed or gaslit out of it. And make sure you and H continue to present a united front on this. It's better late than never for her to have predictable negative consequences for her violating the household rules (such as no food in the bedrooms) or for being horrendously rude.

Of course over time she or anyone else can have the benefit of the doubt and some slack at a difficult time (like exams), but to make her life easy and pleasant while she makes that of other members of the household more difficult and unpleasant does her a disservice too. Nobody who is not related to her is going to have much patience with her bullying, being abusive, and destroying other people's property. That includes uni halls or a share house.

I agree I did think this too. As someone who has it though this cannot be used as an excuse to be unappreciative or lazy. You just need understanding and different strategies to work around and with it. My house is super clean as I have little ways of using the ADHD to assist rather than hinder.

It’s insane to suggest you can ground an 18 year-old. The OP needs her daughter to take this seriously - so why suggest something so ridiculous? Her daughter would laugh in her face.

It would be much more effective to treat her like an adult - and that means her dealing with all the shit parts of being an adult. Like having to work to pay for trips out with friends, as well as getting there under your own stream. Like doing your own washing, ironing, cooking. Like having to sort out shit yourself when things go wrong.

My DS is at Uni and his main complaint is that it’s full of self entitled young people just like your DD who appear to have no ability to actually do anything for themselves.
Has she not got a job?
DS worked all through his A levels, and still managed to get amazing grades. Took a Gap year and worked full time. Went to Uni last September and has worked every holiday when be came home. Finished for the year 2 weeks ago and started back to work on the Monday. He has a car he paid for himself and is going on holiday this week which he has also paid for.

I mean this kindly, stop facilitating this kind of behaviour.

It has started much before 18 though. Entitlement doesn’t grow overnight.
Basics like if you want to do an activity and I have paid for it you go. I’m a volunteer leader at girlguiding and have had a few real wtf situations recently eg mum paid for an expensive trip - Polly not coming as doesn’t fancy it or Molly has decided not to come anymore just after mum forked out £100 for subs and census.
I’m also on a parents facebook uni forum - so many kids never worked and no expectation from parents to get a pt or holiday job. My dc is off 4 months after yr1 uni there’s no way I’m working ft and her lying in bed all summer (she’s gone to work at Camp America)
Or kids signing up for uni accommodation parents are guaranteeing and then just casually mentioning they are dropping out, switching uni and parent on hook for £9000 a year unless parent can fill room, seemingly no thought that it’s their adult dc’s mess to sort out.
Really low expectations of her - she’s signed a card you bought and DH stood over her to write. Why not visit granny to say thank you she’s doing f all - she could have driven with dh supervising if she’d sorted learners insurance (assuming local ish no motorway). If someone bought me a car I’d thank in person.