DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

The point is that this is a real situation we can all agree thst it's far from ideal but if was my child who needed support with 1 potentially 2 babies regardless of how I felt about it i would support them even if it meant having to house them ,what's the alternative?

The alternative is that she has a termination, or moves out and stands on her own two feet. Supporting your child doesn't mean letting them live with you indefinitely while they just do whatever they like

Whatever she decides, you need to put some firm boundaries in place for your own sake.
I would really encourage a termination, followed by a long term contraceptive and finishing college if she wants to remain under your roof. If she doesn't want one, I think it would be tough love time. Support from afar, support her to get her own place and manage on benefits rather than a comfy home, no bills and babysitting on tap with you. If she's old enough to make 2 babies, she's old enough to understand choices and consequences.

Yes but she can't be forced to have an abortion ,even though it's realistically the most sensible option and move out to where,?

'Please at least encourage her to make an appointment at a clinic to pursue her best option here. You can go together.'

All of this lands on you.

Yes you love your daughter & her baby. You want the best in life for them both as you for for yourself.

If you daughter decides to keep this pregnancy, then I strongly urge you contact Social Services do that safeguarding matters are addressed & plans are made for your daughter to live independently as much as possible. This is for her benefit to help her address & accept her life choices & for the children to be supported.

Mostly, for your wellbeing & sanity.

My gut feeling is that this is the thin end of the wedge of what is to come with your daughter.

Please put yourself first.

maybe. But OP also needs to consider the likelihood of a 3rd, 4th or 5th baby…

OP‘s DD is currently a single mother in name only. Seeing as she’s (if I’m reading this correctly) financially, emotionally and physically (childcare) supported by her own DM.

Experiencing life without her DM‘s support (or at least realising that her choices might lead to a life without that support…) might have an impact on how she handles contraception and life in general!

What bollocks. You know weed is legal in many countries? All sorts of people including parents use it perfectly responsibly. I really don’t think your sort of hyperbole is helpful for anyone.

OP you sound like such a great mum/grandma. I think it’s reasonable to tell her your concerns about how you will cope with another child.

Well, that's something she needs to think about if she's going to have two babies at 17 years old, isn't it?

It's not OP's job to house her daughter along with an indefinite number of grandchildren for the foreseeable future,

Look come on they are both teenagers. They were both irresponsible.

It's a common thing for people who have been brought up in care or come from a dysfunctional family to think that they can 'fix' things by having a family of their own.

It's something to an extent that we all do: no-one has perfect parents, of course not, they're human, they make mistakes. But when we set out to have our children we decide that we're not going to make the same 'mistakes' as our parents did. Sometimes we do, sometimes we make different mistakes.

As I say, no-one is perfect and, after all, who needs perfect parents as long as the child knows that they're loved & supported?

But cared for children don't tend to have a point of reference & haven't had the benefit of being in a loving family. I suspect that the daughter's partner is doing exactly this. He's thinking that, in having a child, he will finally have someone who loves him. So sad.

Then again he could just be a randy so&so & not give a 💩about the consequences.

She should be considering a termination, and long acting contraception type such as a coil or implant. I'm quite surprised the doctor didn't strongly encourage an implant over the pill given her history as a teenage mum!!
And tbh OP you need to step up and guide her here. Her actions are really showing her immaturity here. She still desperately needs a parent herself, to guide her down a more sensible path than the one she's on currently.

Very sad for all concerned.
Whatever happens, I think that supporting the family unit is the priority. All vulnerable including the baby's father who does not deserve additional criticism

At her age she's very young still a baby herself. Do you work yourself OP how are u able to support her if she's in college etc? I mean I wouldn't be happy. The dead beat dad aswell no kid should be around that. In all honesty I would sway towards termination and she needs better contraception she's clearly not taking the pill daily or maybe just stressed and forgets it she needs the implant or injection asap moving forward. Children are expensive and were is she going to house these 2 children when they are older? Id be focusing on her trying to get her life back in order he studies a career etc

Ashamed isn't a fair description

You can’t change his behaviour. In fact, you can’t change anyone’s, but you are more likely to be able to have a sensible conversation with dd about how she sees this working out, and what she wants to do. Hopefully she will terminate.

Im so sorry you’re in this mess. I would be strongly encouraging a termination and if she doesn’t then she needs to step up and move out. If she wants to keep making grown up choices, she can act like a grown up and look after her 2 kids herself.

I would sit down with your daughter and say, you've said he will go "mad" when he knows your pregnant again, so what does that tell you? He doesn't want another child, he doesn't want the one you've got, so how would you feel about a termination? And then a different form of contraception. Wait untill your older and see how things go with you as a couple. See if he will or can support you and your son. Your responsible for him for the next 18+ years, he can walk away at any time. You need to think very seriously about all of your futures. It's bad enough when couples break up when they're in their 20s, 80% of the time it's the mother that's left with the children and the father goes off with someone else enjoying his life, but she's stuck there looking after children unable to work etc.,does your daughter think life on benefits will be glamorous? It won't be!!

I know you love your DD and grandson but she is not some unwilling victim in all this. She is completely irresponsible and without you to help her and no doubt pay for her, she wouldn't be coping. How is she going to hold down a job aged 18 with two young children. The father is a waste of space and will drag her down further.
I think you need to have a serious conversation and lay her future on the line for her. Once can be seen as an accident. Twice is just plain careless.

Do you think she would consider a termination. Bringing another baby into this shit show should be discouraged.

She has started very young and having the first child doesn't seem to have made either of them grow up much, I feel it won't stop at two and she will keep repeating the same mistakes until she has a tribe and letting other people pick up the pieces. She needs a termination and a long term plan for contraceptive until she's genuinely ready, emotionally, practically and financially, for any more children.

It’s illegal in the uk. What sort of parent sets an example to their kids by doing illegal stuff?
the drug supply chain is full of criminality … including the occasional child that gets murdered… why suggest to your kids that is all ok?
Add to that the cost which is better off invested in the family.

Finally why swear?

If you’re a parent take a good look at yourself and the example you’re setting to your kids. .

Presumably as SS are already involved they will find her a mum and baby(s) placement ( fostered) or temporary housing , I’ve really no idea but anywhere that makes her life less comfortable than at home with a parent to pick up the slack .

These are two kids having babies, one of whom has obviously had a terrible start in life and has been in care with everything that comes with it. You are the only adult here unfortunately.
If she won't have a termination then all you can do is support her and hope as they (the 16 and 17 year olds) grow up over the next few years.
Most people don't actually start growing up properly until early 20s. Just on this forum are plenty of people with late teens and early 20s kids who can't function as adults.
Your dd sounds like she is doing her best, the boy, well he hasnt got any role models at all has he, so no wonder he is clueless, he hasnt got anyone to ask advice, talk to about how he should be or how to be a dad as hes in care.

Can I just ask what exactly it is you expect from a 16 year old child? Calling him useless, most 15-16 year olds don’t know how to change a nappy or know what time babies go to sleep and I find it absolutely disgusting that you are actually speaking about him in the manner that you are.

By your own admission, he hasn’t had much parental involvement in his life to show him how to be a grown up and you’re just another person putting him down, where is the help for him? Maybe he is scared to do things for the baby, but because your daughter is your child you’re only willing to help her, when you should be encouraging and helping both to be better for the sake of your grandchildren, your daughter also made a mistake and was sleeping with someone underage.