DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

He’s not capable of basic parenting.

Well, no. He's a child isn't he? With not a good start in life by your account, so even less maturity. The whole OP is like you're talking about a couple in their twenties, not their mid teens. How could a year 10 boy "move on with someone else"? They're all kids.

I think she was asking for advice, saying you would be deeply ashamed is neither advice, and it's also deeply unpleasant.

I agree with this, tbh.

She's chosen to become a parent, so she needs to stand on her own two feet, not rely on mummy to help her out the minute things get tough.

Does she live with you or have her own place? As soon as she has this baby take her to get an implant or coil. It will be really hard work but she can still go to college as she can put the children in nursery and can carry on with her studies but she needs to be focused. The comments about cutting her off are ridiculous. I would be extremely disappointed and upset but she's your child you can't cut her off, especially your innocent grandchildren. Have a serious conversation about what her plans are re having the baby and carrying on with studies / working and avoiding this situation happening again. Sorry you are having to go through this. I have two family members that had babies at young ages and they all have jobs and the kids are well adjusted adults now. It seemed like a total shit show when it happened but it worked out OK in the end. Good luck op.

On page 1 one poster said she would be washing her hands off her if she didn't comply
And several other posters have said she just needs to move out like it's just that simple.

They both need to grow up and put existing child first
And get on proper contraception

@StrugglingNannyNan sending you massive hugs and and handhold. Very difficult situation.

What does DD want and does she have a realistic understanding of what having 2 under 2 will mean? Or does she have an idealistic view of it? You mentioned you will be left holding the baby so are you doing quite a lot of the parenting at the moment ?

What do you feel is realistic for you to offer? Are you working ? Is you housing situation stable - would there even be space for another child? Financially could you support your daughter in the way that she needs ? You mentioned she’s in college so I suspect no income of her own at the moment? A really frank conversation needs to be had with her - I would start by asking her what she wants and maybe probe whether she can see that the fact that she is too scared to even tell the father is a red flag. Maybe also ask what she would want in the future for her children and whether she thinks she can do that with 2 children so closeby currently? She’s young and has done a really good job - you can’t force anyone to have a termination and so I would rather present it as an option to ensure that her current child has the best opportunity. There’s plenty of time for more kids once her partners MH is improved and she has settled into parenting.

You need to be really clear on what you can and can’t support her. She’s your daughter and you will always love and support her but as others have said there is a balance between support and enablement. If she is absolutley 100% on keeping this pregnancy you can still support her without her living under your roof and you doing the majority of parenting. I suspect she will be under the care of a specialist midwife for teenage pregnancyas well as SS - please accompany her to these appointments and make sure they are aware of your limitations. They may be assuming you’re coping fine with everything.

Finally do get some support for yourself - partner / friends / GP

all the best

Making her move out and sort herself out isn’t abandoning her , it’s just making her realise how hard it can be without another adult being there full time to pick up the pieces . If she’s going to make irresponsible decisions that’s fine for her but they shouldn’t be visited on her mother .

You need to stop focusing on the father and start focusing on you daughter. How does she even have the free time to have gotten pregnant again with a young baby and school. Are you letting this boy stay over?

you should have some very frank conversations with your daughter about priorities and the needs of the child she already has.

I have no idea, I assumed that if op was to report him they could put something in place to prevent something happening to the baby again.

What was the point you were trying to make in relation to that post then?

They both need to grow up. The daughter will have to very quickly, the father is a lost cause. Basically a Disney dad who cannot support himself never mind his partner & child.

I would be encouraging her to look at the big picture, decide how she is going to care for her current child before deciding whether or not she is having a second after ‘ messing up’ birth control. I would be suggesting a termination tbh - just out of fairness to the current child & everyone who is supporting them.

both need a reality check, especially your daughter.

I imagine the Op is helping for the sake of the baby more than anything
This isn't just a normal teens trials and tribulations, there is one and potentially two very young children that need protecting and support.

Move out to where?

Having two children at 17 years of age is never going to be simple - but that doesn't mean OP has to spend her life picking up the pieces.

No but most parents would help out .

No, social services aren't the police, they don't have powers to 'put something in place' - the mother and grandparents need to be protective every day and every time he has contact. Nobody will do that for them.

That doesn't mean she's not enabling her daughters' poor decisions, though.

There's a huge difference between helping out and letting your 17yo have multiple babies under your roof, though.

"Help out" is vague. If OP is proving everything financially (food, home, utilities, clothing) and also practically, then that's not just helping out is it? That's being a parent.

I’d be wondering why she’s wanting to be a Mum at her age? It seems as though she’s actively seeking being pregnant and keeping pregnancies when there are alternatives. What are her future aspirations? It’s much harder to achieve this when you’ve got two very young children. Trying to force her to have an abortion could have long term devastating impact on your relationship with her, but equally having another baby could and probably will have a devastating impact on her. They’re children having children. You can’t and shouldn’t rely
on the father. Best outcome there would be if he stopped contact and you never saw him again. Yes, he’s had a traumatic life in care, but he’s not your responsibility, your daughter is.
The worry is she’s only 17 and if she continues having babies she could have numerous children by the time she gets into her early twenties. It’s a scary thought. And you have to somehow show her that you won’t be doing the parenting.

I would ask what her plans are, Where she will be living, what she will do about college, what childcare she is planning on using, where the money is going to come from for this second baby. If she wants to keep it then she needs to have some plans on how she is going to manage this because it is HER responsibility and not yours. Of course he should be responsible too but he obviously isn’t so it falls to her and she fell pregnant a second time knowing this,

We don't know what stopped her. Usually males saying it isn't needed. What stopped him from controlling his penis and what comes out of it?

This. She is OP‘s DD and OP should support her (although what support actually looks like in that context is debatable).

but OP has her own life, her own future and she shouldn’t be expected to give that up due to her DD‘s second contraception failure (if that’s what it is…) and irresponsible parenting (downplaying SS concerns about the „father“ etc).

If OP isn’t careful she’ll end up raising quite a few grandbabies! (If DD‘s pregnancy continues at the same rate she’ll have 3 children at the age of 20!!

WASH YOUR HANDS OF HER? WTF?

This child (she's under 18 & a child) needs support & love.

As a RC I'm against abortion. There are hundreds, of not thousands of families who would love the opportunity to adopt a baby. It doesn't mean that you, as grandparent, or your daughter can't have any contact with the child & could work out well for everyone.

Whatever you decide, your DD needs to have a long-term contraceptive in the form of an injection or whatever is available. Sorry, I'm 62 so not up to date on current contraception, but before menopause I used to have an injection every few months.

edited for grammatical errors