DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

I would be strongly advising her to terminate the pregnancy. Quickly.

If she doesn't want to, I would tell her now you're not going to enable any more babies. She'll have to sort out her own childcare. Don't do it for her.

Yes, harsh. But honestly, she's throwing her life away and bringing child(ren) into the world with someone who is not going to be a good father at any level. That's not fair to them. And it is a choice she's also making for them.

When my birth mum was pregnant (unknowingly) with me, she had my older sister too, but was also a drug addict.

When she had me prematurely, she realised just how hard it was going to be with both of us, and then gave me up for adoption. This was also because she was very worried that if she'd kept me, I might have been taken away into care by social services.

Obviously this is a totally different circumstance, but it does happen. If a mum can't cope, it's definitely a case of getting social services involved. (but my knowledge of this is pretty subjective and I can't speak for a lot of different scenarios, I am just imagining this is what may happen).

And yet magically the 16/17 year old GIRLS when required to can figure these things out. And understand that their needs have to come second to a baby they bring into the world.

Yet we don't expect the same of BOYS. Who are equally responsible for pregnancy and any resulting babies.

I despair.

I see where your coming from but please don’t ever encourage adoption, it very rarely turns out well for all concerned, and yes I know a lot about adoption hence this comment.

OP, as a teenager who had a child and ended up a single parent I can imagine what you’re all going through for a second time now. It’s extremely difficult with one child never mind two.

The Dad clearly has issues and both of them are children so he can’t be expected to grown up and parent correctly, he’s not had any role models in his life so see how it’s done.

It can turn out ok but it’s unlikely, have you spoken to your daughter about her options?

This was my niece last year, thankfully came to her senses very quickly and terminated; she doesn’t regret it.

I am with you on this - the way an abortion is bandied around like it has no consequences- especially if it is not the DD choice. Again it is not an ideal situation but I would support my daughter is what she choose to do .

🤣 Catholic but only when it comes to other people’s bodies. Incredible stuff.

Are there no other authority figures in her life? Teachers? older siblings? your partner or husband.

My mum would have absolutely flayed my DD if she became pregnant before getting a good education and achieving independence. So would I, but in case she didnt want to listen to me.

I believe quite strongly that children should not be having children, and literally anything is better than that. Yelling, shouting, refusing to take care of Baby 2, dragging to BPAS for counselling..

As the mother of 4 sons & a daughter I used to envy those mothers with only daughters. At least you can drag your daughter to the doctor & get her a long-acting contraceptive. You can't do that with every girl your son has sex with & can only impress on them the responsibility of getting a girl PG. Oh and make sure that they have plenty of condoms available.

My sons would be embarrassed by me tucking a couple of condoms into their pockets before they went out with the instruction to use them. They would say 'mum this is so embarrassing' I would answer: 'not as embarrassing as having to pay child support for 18 years. You have them, use them'. 😉

The boyfriend is not your problem. You already know he’s going to be useless again. Your daughter seems to either be purposely having children when she’s not ready or just careless with contraception. I think you should let her know that you can’t continue to raise how ever many children she decides to have and ask her what her plans are to support/care for two children. I doubt she’d continue being so reckless if she was actually having to do it 100% herself.

You need to tell her to make an appointment with the council to get herself sorted out with housing.
She has made her decisions. She can’t expect you to be mum to her, her two kids and their feckless dad.

Instinct tells me she hasn't had the full impact of caring for a child or she wouldn't be pregnant yet again. She needs to move out and be a grown up, if she thinks being pregnant again is such a great idea. Plus living with her and 2 toddlers, with dead beat dad shuffling in and out would drive me mad

You need to have a very serious talk with your DD about her options. If social services are involved with both households they will be looking at the best outcomes for your DDs children. If it comes to light the dad is smoking weed (and suspected of dealing) on top of neglecting the baby/unable to look after him then there is a possibility they will tell your DD to cut ties with him or risk having both her children taken away from her.

Termination and tough love from you, this is not an environment for babies to be born into. Contraception that she can’t forget to take.

Nit at all, but I was only really questioning the ouster I replied to. I didn't like her excusing him, by blaming the DD

Obviously he can’t support himself - he’s a child in foster care! It’s ludicrous to expect him to be able to be any kind of parent.

edit for typo

Smoking cigarettes is legal in this country and I still believe it makes you a bad parent 🤷‍♀️

Obviously, but you need to read my comment in response to the post I was replying to.

We are talking about a young mum who’s going to need all the support she can get.
Any discussion regarding TOP need to be her decision and not externally lead
This really is a time to tell her what support she’ll get and how her life is about to go up a gear. She’ll have two under two.
Now isn’t the time for angst and doom. She needs to be able to step up. Most likely without the dad
He needs some skill acquisition and support for the milestones he’s not achieved

And what about when she has her third baby, or her fourth? Would you just keep housing an infinite number of children because it's "her choice"?

Does your daughter and the baby live with you? What is her thoughts in all of this? Potentially raising 2 children without a dad can be done but is she ready for that? It’s hard to know what to suggest without the practicalities. Assume dad just turns up when he wants and your daughter has been encouraging but does your daughter think of her future what it looks like. That would be my start point, let social services deal with him but if the baby welfare is a stake then you obviously don’t let him look after the children unsupervised.

The first time, maybe. Even though he will have had sex education at school & should be using condoms for his own sexual health. The second time??

Thank goodness any decision I made at 17 wasn’t as permanent as having a child. Yes, it’s obviously her decision but IMO would be completely reasonable for OP to strongly encourage termination and make it clear if she cannot or will not support a second child of DD.

It may be the case that she wanted 2 kids close together by the same father so has done that.
talk to her and ask her what her long term plan is.
can she see herself with him long term? If not, is she looking to meet someone else in the future? If so she might meet someone and have kids with them in the future and have more children. This is less likely if she has 2 kids rather than 1. Chelsea from teen Mom. Didn’t meet her lovely husband until she finally got rid of her loser bf who was the dad of her first baby. I don’t usually watch trash tv but it’s actually a good story line to show a 17 year old in this situation. The grass is greener without the bf and with only 1 child.

that under the impression his girlfriend was using contraception is no excuse for him not using condoms & is blaming the OP's DD.

he hasn't had the best start in life, but he's also had sex education at school & if he's having sex needs to be responsible - he had 'a warning' the first time (skipped out if all responsibility) , he should have learnt from that.