DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

Or because she thinks he’ll be angry. I think OP mentioned this earlier (that he wouldn’t be pleased). To me, that would be another good reason to tell him, in the hope he’ll finish the relationship and she’ll pull herself together for the sake of her existing child.

This is just sad, they are just kids themselves.

Getting pregnant once to this useless waste of space was bad enough but to do it twice is an act of extreme stupidity and naivety. Is she determined to ruin her life and yours?
you sound like a great mum being so supportive in the face of such feckless uselessness. I applaud your devotion to your daughter and grandkid(s)
A care leaving drug using and dealing waste of space? This idiot is never going to be a decent father in this world or any other.
your daughter is doing a stellar job of fucking up her own life but with your support she might, just might, be able to raise some decent citizens who develop into good people but it will be difficult and it’s hard enough in a stable relationship rather than this stereotypical car crash of social dysfunction.
This what happens when you have sex with a useless dickhead. Fuck me, could she have actually made worse choices? Rhetorical question, the answer is no.

The odds of their relationship lasting another 1/2 years is debatable. How does your daughter feel about being a single mother to 2 children? I realise it's hard to pull back but you could be facilitating her poor choices.

@StrugglingNannyNan I agree with PP’s that in addition to saying that it’s her decision, you must make it clear what you’re prepared to do support-wise. Are you prepared to parent and financially support your two grandchildren for years? If you are, that’s up to you, but personally, I think that you need to draw some boundaries now or this situation could go on indefinitely. As I mentioned upthread, my school friend had three children with her addict bf before she finally accepted the reality that he couldn’t parent safely. Her parents have brought up all of her children.

the guy is a loser who will drag your daughter down. She needs to bin him for the sake of her kids.

Your latest update puts me in mind of the movie, Gone With the Wind, and the character Prissy, portrayed by Butterfly McClean, who famously exclaimed, “…I don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no babies.”

OP, you need to be an adult, because you're the only adult in this triangle. Your daughter and her boyfriend are not. They are teenagers, barely able to take care of themselves. You need to step up, discuss the situation with social services, and make decisions. For the sake of everyone, please be strong and realise you're the only one who can do something to deal with this very difficult situation.

Challenge her to explain exactly what makes him "a good dad". If it's a bare minimum, tell her that no, that is not even a bare minimum of parenting and he's not a good dad. That by keeping a 2nd pregnancy as a teen she is wrecking her life and making it a very difficult situation to be in a decent financial or relationship situation in the future.

OP you say your DD doesn't want to get used to a life on benefits- but you have to put your foot down -your DD has doomed herself to a life of benefits or sponging off you with her actions. What she is saying is she doesn't fancy claiming benefits (who does?) and she would rather sponge off you instead.
You have definitely crossed the line from being supportive to enabling your DD's irresponsible, stupid behaviour. Your DD is never going to see how useless the BF is until he ditches her or really upsets her and your DD is using your support to enable this view of her BF being "a good dad really". There is more to being a good dad than a couple of night feeds and changing the occasional nappy, what about earning a wage and putting a roof over their heads- you OP are providing most of what a good father should- your DD is a child herself and won't realise that keeping a roof over your had and food on the table is very tough, she doesn't know because you are shielding her, and have even allowed her to try and force her BF to step up by getting pregnant again.
Op you have to embrace the fact that you have been what has allowed this situation to occur and it will keep happening unless you give DD a reality check.
Your help, or his help- I'm afraid those have to be the choices, and she has to claim benefits NOW you can't be expected to support her and her children.

She is as much to blame for this situation as he is. Why always put the blame on the man? If anything, he has more of an excuse for his poor behaviour than her. He's been in foster homes, and probably comes from a very difficult, unsupportive, or inexistent family background. The OP's daughter has a mother who cares. She is allowing him to drag her down. She is dragging herself down, actually. Plenty of man-hating women on Mumsnet.

I agree. They're both losers if we're going to be harsh about it but his circumstances are far worse than hers.

She’s waiting until it’s too late to terminate. I bet your daughter planned this second pregnancy because she knows you’ll house her, pay all the bills and provide childcare.

You need to tell her that if she has a second baby, then she needs to live elsewhere and get a job. Why are you so scared of your daughter?

You are admitting he is dragging her down ,"she is allowing him to drag her down", that is something that can happen when you are in love, there is no indication he is in love, he is not stepping up-therefore she is less to blame , although you are right she is not blameless.It is not man-hating, it is the truth.

How ridiculous.

She is 100% waiting it out until it’s too late. Get her to take her folic acid at least.

Sounds like the Dad is quite a vulnerable young person, rather than a “useless Dad” as he’s only still a child himself and has been in the care system, probably has a lot of trauma and sounds like he has some unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with his emotions (ie weed).

Great that your daughter has gone back to college and continued her education, sounds like she’s caring for her son well. However, OP, she has been able to do so with your support I imagine. I’m not sure it’s fair to compare your daughter to the baby’s Dad.

obviously nobody can force her to have a termination as it’s her body and potential baby, but has she considered the options and the reality of how she would cope?

@StrugglingNannyNan
Has your DD told her 'BF' yet?
Do SS know?
Has she made a decision on keeping it?

I hope you are OK OP. I have been thinking about you this week.

I think a teenage girl would have to be quite vulnerable herself to have fallen for this boy in the first place, let alone to have borne one baby for him and now to be embarking on another pregnancy. A girl who really believes in her future and has a solid sense of her own self would not ambark on this path.

This girl has sacrificed an enormous amount for the boy, has brought one and now potentially two babies into a car crash of a relationship, has jeopardized her relationship with her mother, her academic future, her earning potential, and her own health, for a boy who has no future, who smokes weed, who is highly irresponsible with his baby, and with whom she can't be open and truthful about this pregnancy. She claims to love him. I think she has little or no self esteem, and probably believes in fairy tales.

Of course. She is vulnerable and has low self-esteem. This is not surprising, since she is little more than a child - just like him. They are both very young, vulnerable people. No one is dragging the other one down, they are both equally responsible for the mess they are in. This is what I meant in my original post. They should be helped and guided by a responsible adult, and this is what the mother should be to them.

What happened @StrugglingNannyNan ? Did she tell the father? Did you tell her that you can only provide so much support etc?

May I suggest that you mention to DD that she can have more children later on. Having 2 so close together isn't a requirement. A termination now doesn't mean she cannot revisit having another child later, when she's got college and a career going. She'd still have all the great bits of becoming a mum again, without the worry of everything as it is now.

@QueenBakingBee

surely she must know it’s not now or never

It's probably too late to have a termination now.

What are social services saying. She really cannot hide the pregnancy for very long. Also the boy is not the one who really will be having any rights of taking decisions for the lives of the two children he made. So where is this going, you know dear poster