DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

Sorry to say this op but your dd is not a good mother and understand my so because she is so young. But then it does not bring sense to have another child, when she can’t even tell father of her child despite meeting him everyday.
She is using this child to get this boy in her life who had ghosted her for 5 months in her 1st pregnancy.

Where is her priorities? She is definitely not planning for her DS’s life. She is doing the bare minimum- feeding, bathing. Where will the money come to meet his needs? Where will they live? Or is she thinking it’s your responsibility to take care of that?

“ A life of poverty & low paid work “ likely outcome of his life !
WHAT ???
Judgy are we 🙄..
OPS daughter is young , yes , everyone grows up though & she is in college , so I’m guessing huge chance things will come good for her , difficult times ahead yes , certainly can be done though ..
I hate these negative Nancy posts with looking down your nose , tut, tut attitude thrown in ..
NOT HELPFUL…..

What a difficult situation @StrugglingNannyNan

The only thing to your advantage right now is the college holidays. Does the nursery close too? If so allow her to parent 24/7. Let the full reality of life with two sink in.

Discuss with her where she will house them as three extra people in your house isn't sustainable.

Don't give her the easy options in this because she'll take them.

Last time was different. She was too far gone and didn't really understand what motherhood entails.

This time she does. It's not a make the best of it situation. It's time for grown up decisions.

I don't think you can push for a termination, it's her body and her decision but she needs to be made aware of her options and understand how hard this is going to be. If she decides to keep the baby, I think she needs to move out and take responsibility for it and you need to let her get on with it. She also needs to get her contraception sorted, I know it's too late now but she cannot keep repeating the same mistakes. Was the pregnancy planned do you think? It's such a shame, even more so to the children. Sometimes having a baby helps them mature and grow up a bit. I hope she manages to turn her life around, which ever route she decides.

He's a child, most likely a very damaged child.
He clearly can't be left alone with the babies, but I wouldn't completely write him off at this age. Show him kindness and support and try to remember that he's likely emotionally younger than his age from the trauma of foster care.
There's a good chance he could still mature and turn out to be a decent dad to his children, and the more support and guidance he has the more likely that is. And that's the best outcome for your daughter and grandchildren.

I think you’re being very passive, OP.

As a PP said, your DD is making very immature decisions that are jeopardising hers, yours and her child’s futures. It is not surprising as she is a child, but she continues to make these decisions time and time again. Firstly by getting pregnancy the first time at such a young age with a very vulnerable boy even younger than her, then by keeping that pregnancy a secret, then by getting back involved with the boy, then by getting pregnant a second time and now by not telling anyone other than you and dillydallying. And whilst all this is going on you are just standing by and providing a listening ear.

It’s time for you to take control and make the decisions that your DD is too young and immature to. Tell the boy she is pregnant again, tell the foster parents, tell the social workers, tell the college.

She really needs a termination. She is not wanting to keep the baby because she wants another baby. She is scared to make a decision. She already has 1 baby that she can’t provide for. She most definitely shouldn’t have 2. She can’t even provide for herself.

I’m confused as to why you’re so shocked that he is a terrible dad. He was a literal 15 year old child when your daughter got pregnant by him at 16. How would he have any idea how to raise a family when it sounds as though he has never even had one himself?

He could mature.

And the baby already loves him as his daddy.

That has to be factored in when “writing him off.”

But dd also needs to accept he isn’t likely to be much use in the near future. I mean even ten years on and he’d still be not old to be embarking on fatherhood so I wouldn’t be expecting any sage behaviour in the coming months. He’s a kid.

I don’t think it’s judgement so much as a statistical likelihood

The PO wasn’t being judgemental, she was being statistically accurate.

And statistically, the outcomes for the children become worse with each unplanned teenage pregnancy as she won’t be in college for long if she continues with the latest pregnancy. The chances of her returning to education get slimmer and slimmer. The risk of life long poverty higher and higher.

Tell her you’re contacting social services as you’d rather it came from you, who the child will live with, than from the foster carers, who will have a duty to report it. Tell her you’re concerned though that they will be worried that she thinks someone who is leaving their child unsupervised etc is a good dad, and so you’d urge her to consider whether she truly does believe that to be the case. Hopefully that way she’ll understand why you’re reporting and will have a reason to reflect on what he’s really like as a parent.

Could you frame it that continuing with the pregnancy could further destabilise and impact on the mental health of her boyfriend (it most likely will) and the best way to support him would be to give him time and space to focus and learn to be a good dad to the child they already have (again, true although unlikely to be successful)

Could everyone just read the post I was replying to?

@lazystar You’re amazing to have done this for your granddaughter. 💐

Something similar happened to the parents of an old school friend. She was older than the OP’s DD, but her partner was on drugs. Her parents took their first child, then she had a second. Things seemed to improve slightly, they were getting their act together.

Then he deteriorated and she got pregnant again. Her parents were livid with her, but they couldn’t abandon their GC. So they’ve brought up all three of them. She did split up from him eventually and is in contact with her now-adult children. But it’s been so hard for her parents.

@orangewasp That’s a good approach. She needs to accept the reality of the situation, they’re simply too young and unprepared to have a second child.

Perhaps they will stay together and have another child eventually, but not now.

It sounds like he has had a traumatic upbringing. Where is your dd’s father?

This might sound mad, and probably most won't agree, but maybe her having this second DC now isn't the worst thing that could happen... Her life and options are already restricted by having her DS, so a second baby isn't the same game changer that the first one was.

By all accounts she has natural maternal instincts so may well want more than one child at some point - why not now? She is already juggling one. She is already a teen mother. She is already tied to the useless dad. At least having a second child now means she will have a chance of freedom whilst she is still young enough for it to lead to a career/travel/opportunities. And dealing with one dead-beat dad is better than dealing with two... (not saying she would pick a deadbeat twice in a row, but I hope you understand where I am coming from).

I don't know... I am not saying a second won't be hard, but I am thinking about your DD having the opportunity to get the early parenting days behind her so she can start to do things for herself - whether that's further education, career, travel or anything else...

With respect for everything you are doing, the OP sounds nothing like your situation.

OP describes her daughter as a good mother.

Both OP and her daughter acted protectively by sending the dad away when he smelt of drugs.

OPs daughter acts protectively by taking over from the dad when he isn't coping to protect baby from neglect.

OP, daughter and dad's foster carers all appear to act protectively supervising his contact with his child.

OPs daughter does not appear to do drugs, have any other significant issues or have had prior children's services involvement other than what is given to all young parents.

OP lives with daughter and baby as a protective factor.

Another child is not ideal for many reasons, but from the information we have there is nothing for children's services to be concerned about in the childs primary home. Certainly not physical harm, neglect or drugs and certainly nothing so dangerous that removal at birth would be considered.

3 kids if you count DD

4 if you count DD’s partner.

Can you tell me what positives you brought to this post please, as I am at a loss to comprehend your thoughtlessness in posting and not helping by advice or support!

Where is she expecting to live with a second child and get a job and do a college placement?! While having a second baby. She’s dreaming.

I was simply saying , OPS daughter is very young & everyone grows up , the fact she is in college is surely a positive thing & obviously I realise it’s a shit situation, but it doesn’t mean that’s the way it always will be for rest of OPS daughters life , that’s all ..
Yes , life will be difficult, but she can go onto achieve & have a good life ....

My mum would’ve yanked me out of the house and into the nearest clinic so fast there would have been a sonic boom.

This thread has stayed with me. And this resonated with me. because I think I would have tried to do the same as your mum.

I'd have sacrificed my relationship with my daughter - gambling she would come back to me - on the altar of her entire fucking life.

For what it is worth I'm the daughter of a 17 year old mother who would certainly have terminated if it had been lawful at the time.

@Pallisers I’ve told my two that I’d support them if one baby came along unexpectedly. If it happened again less than a year later though, I’d feel differently.

The parents of one of my oldest friends were only 17 when her brother was born. They had parental support and got themselves more established/independent before they had a second child. They’re great parents and have done well for themselves - the OP’s DD could do the same, but she needs to get her qualifications, as does her bf.