DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

I'm shocked how quickly the majority called for abortion. I believe in choice but I would never tell someone to do this. You don't know them and it could be highly offensive.
I wish you well OP.

What a nightmare, sounds like both of them are being irresponsible which could mean lots of ss involvement and the fact she is letting him around the child when he is doing drugs will also mean that she is putting her child at risk, and not capable of even having safe sex.
Hope she grows up quickly and stops the irresponsible behaviour.

@StrugglingNannyNan how are you all doing? Have any decisions been made?
Has she told her 'BF'?

I know you have had alot of advice and you seem desperate. My daughter was older but met a guy . She had an implant which worked 100 percent never failed. She thought her relationship was stable even talked about marriage so had her implant removed and finally got pregnant. Sadly the minute partner heard he left said he couldn't handle having a kid . My daughter was distraught but decided to have the child . She found out on the grape vine after my grandson was born that now ex partner already had one child with another partner . My grandson is nearly 6 now and is grandads little man and spoilt rotten . My daughter has found out her ex is now with another girl who is living with him and working supporting him because he is out of work again , he can't seem to hold down a job and she is pregnant now poor girl . The moral to the story is all you can do is advise stand by her and hope it doesn't end in tears and if it does be there for her .Being a parent isn't easy . I honestly wish you all the luck in the world it's not going to be easy for either of you , she is so young . Will be praying for you both , keep us posted .

This lad hasn't had the upbringing your daughter had & its unfair to put those expectations on him and assume hes going to change overnight. Don't be reliant on him, dont use him and dont make the demands. Instead include him, guide him teach him, be the example that he hasn't had. Just involve him as in allow him to be with you & your DD but stop expecting him to be something he doesnt understand. Baby has a right to have him in his life as long as is safe, try and keep that in your heart for babies sake.
It may well be that he doesn't stick around or maintain contact. It might be that he goes through a few more years of negative behaviour before he appreciates the value of being a parent, who knows? He is a child himself and has had the worst of starts, be kind, be good and allow him the space to find his own way as a parent. The relationship with him and your DD is irrelevant in this, you cannot allow that to interfere with the relationship with his babies. If they do not stick together dont vilify him for hurting your DD (its life, this happens all the time) and dont use babies as a weapon against him. This is purely emphasising the love lessons he has already learnt of abandonment and rejection.

No real update I’m afraid. She still hasn’t told him. Every time I bring it up she says she will but “it’s not the right time.” He came over a few days ago but they ended up having some stupid argument about his foster carer again so it never got mentioned.

She keeps saying she doesn’t want to do anything (termination etc) without talking to him first and I keep telling her it’s her decision at the end of the day. She says she knows but wants him to know.

I’m just so frustrated. No other decisions have been made. Social services are due to visit this week anyway so I’ll be mentioning it then whether she likes it or not. I can’t just sit on this.

She's stalling until it's too late. You are going to be looking after and paying for this baby.

That's going to lead to her keeping the pregnancy through inaction. She sounds likely to keep putting off telling him till it'll be too late. I think you're right to tell social services. It's not great to end up with a set of consequences that come from avoiding making a decision, but then expecting your main support person (ie, you) to just go along with that.

Have you told her she will need to find her own place if she is having the second child, OP?

I think it's way more offensive to expect your exhausted mum to look after, house and pay for your children. Twice!

Crikey @StrugglingNannyNan you really are just enabling her at this point , have you at least told the foster carers ?

Yes, OP, you sound terrified of your DD. Why are you letting her walk all over you?

@StrugglingNannyNan

Unfortunately you are going to be the adult here as clearly your DD isn't able to - btw this is genuinely not a dig at your DD, she is acting her age.
Yo need to tell her you will be telling the SS and her BF of her pregnancy. Give her a fixed amount of time.

If she was acting like a functioning adult she would:
Be putting herself & her health first
Know that another baby would affect the well-being of her existing child (likely negatively)
Not putting off a time dependent critical decision
Recognize that her BF has not got the skills to be a good parent nor has he even tried to step up
Be looking at childcare options
Be looking at job / career options
Making a budget to if she can afford another child
Make sure she was receiving all the benefits she was entitled to
Informing SS and BF that she is pregnant

She has none of the above, therefore you @StrugglingNannyNan will have to be the adult. She can't just keep putting this off.

Ffs, OP you just tell the boyfriend if she can’t (although his opinion on it is irrelevant really). You’re allowed to be angry at your daughter you know and start laying down the law in your home

You seem so passive. Where is your anger at what your daughter is expecting of you? Or at the boy for having let his baby fall off a sofa? Why are you even letting him in your house? Why not tell social services tomorrow instead of waiting for them to be in touch? You don't have to do this any more but you need to find some assertiveness pretty fast.

@StrugglingNannyNan
I have to say that you are coming across as very passive.
You do have agency in this situation.
You can be directional with your DD as well as being supportive.
You can give her rules as she is living in your house.
She has repeatedly shown you irresponsible behaviour. S inhe is not ready to be an adult so you are going to tell her what to do, obviously a termination needs to be her decision, but you can absolutely tell her if she keeps the baby you will not be doing more child care, in fact you will stepping back. You will not be financially responsible for her DC.

So you'll just passively support another child with a home, money, and childcare? Knowing that the DCs' parents are not capable of doing this? I mean, I think there should be a safety net for people in need, but your DD is doing this deliberately.

Look, I can see why OP is reluctant to lay down the law. No one likes being the villain of the piece and her daughter is delaying rather than refusing to do anything which makes it harder. So let's support her in feeling that she is not unreasonable to set boundaries here, and to say she will not be able to financially and practically support two grandchildren. Work out what to say and a time to say it, OP, then you'll feel more in control.

Absolutely this. The OP is making a rod for her own back. OP, take control and get this sorted for the sake of the child you are already taking care of at least.

Tell social services she’s pregnant again, that you won’t be providing the same support a second time, that they need to put her on the list for housing because you will not be housing her and two children.

My sister was a young mum, fell pregnant again when the baby was still a baby and ended up having a termination. Her and her now husband stayed together and had another child about 3 years after. She had been going through a rough patch with the dad and I just said to her something along the lines of “picture your life if it’s just you, what do you want? That’s what matters. Can’t you do it by yourself?” your not telling her what she could do, and she knows the reality of parenting with him too.

SOMEONE has to be the adult here and the OP'S reluctance to upset her daughter is going to have consequences that will last a long time.

You seem absolutely determined to blame him for everything - but your dd is fully responsible for taking her pill and she (probably according to you) didn’t do it right. So was she deliberately trying to get pregnant?

id be so disappointed in her - I definitely wouldn’t be enabling her to have this baby

OP its time to put yourself first. make it clear you cannot 'support' in the way she thinks. Her naivety is startling - if she hasn't got any learning difficulties etc - hard truths and action from you will be her greatest help in seeing the reality of her situation and life.

There are always stories about 16 year olds who have babies and make good. look at the wonderful Angela Rayner - but they are so rare .

Your daughter is not one of them and I think you know her best.

Tell her if she dosnt tell him then you will, and do it. She's stalling so it's too late to have a termination.

This is precisely my view, that somebody needs to be the adult in the room for the sake of the existing child and almost certainly more to come

Unfortunately nobody seems prepared to do it though, and so more innocent children are born into disadvantage