DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

@StrugglingNannyNan you sound like an amazing woman.
I would hope your DD can eventually "see the light". Yes, it's a double effort to get pregnant but she is the one whose life is going to be even further impacted. She also sounds more sensitive to her boyfriend's needs than her own.
Growing up in care is (largely) shit and leads to poor life choices and stunted beginnings at an early age - not a judgement, just one of those shit statistics that is largely true.
I won't give opinions except to say your lovely daughter deserves the best chances to create her own life - and sounds like she has a great mum

You aren't watching her go backwards you are enabling it. You are enabling a teenage fantasy romance it's ridiculous. One accidental pregnancy but two? No. Don't be blinkered.

I think you are very harsh on the father, hes a 16 year old boy and obviously had a troubled childhood, I'm sure he has potential to grow up into a loving father but unfortunately at the moment he's still a child himself, and your daughter choose to continue with the first pregnancy so it's hardly surprising his behavior is that of a troubled 16 year old. I would be just as disappointed with your daughter for being irresponsible on becoming pregnant for the second time with this boy/ or with anyone given how little support she's receiving from the father and the impact on her current child/ family. It wouldn't surprise me if the second pregnancy was planned.
When you say he didn't react well with the news of the first pregnancy, please tell us what reaction you would of expected from a 14 year old?

@StrugglingNannyNan , sorry you’re in this situation. I haven’t read all the replies, just your updates.

I used to work with this group of young women and here’s my experience.

1. Having a supportive family does make a vast difference but it is very hard on the family. You will be impacted by these terrible decisions for many years.
2. Many motivated young women do really well with support when they have one child. When the second one comes along so quickly it’s a very different story. Far far more difficult to parent well, stay in education and get a job, let alone a career.
3. If SS are concerned now they are going to be REALLY worried now. If she continues with this boyfriend and he gets into trouble with the police ( more of a when than if from what you’ve said), she may have to choose and if she doesn’t make good choices she will risk losing her children.

I wish you well but if you are supporting her financially as well as her housing etc you do have some leverage in insisting she takes control of this and seriously looks at her options. No sugar coating allowed.

Good luck.

All your anger is aimed at him, what about her ? The pair of them have been bloody irresponsible. They have brought a child into this world when they can't afford to fee, clothe or put a roof over it's head. Your Daughter has impacted your household in a huge way , she has taken some of your freedom away and isn't n the slightest bit sorry and you can tell she isn't sorry because her she is pregnant again, another baby for you to squeeze in. I bet if she had to hand over cash to put a roof over her child's head she wouldn't be pregnant now. How many babies is she going to bring into your house before you say enough ?
They are both responsible here.

I think I'd make her options clear.

Option 1, terminate, and things will stay as they are. Ie. You providing housing for her and baby, paying her bills and food etc and babysitting so she can get qualifications and work. Until when is up to you.

Option 2, have baby no. 2. If she makes that choice then it changes things. She will need to get her own housing, go on benefits and you will not be able to babysit other than the odd Saturday night. She will unlikely be able to study and it will be years and years before she can get qualifications and work. Explain the dreaded 9.30am to 2.30pm work hours conundrum most mothers face.

Because once is a mistake and you decided to support her.

But twice is a conscious decision and you cannot be expected to go along with it and keep enabling her.

It's OK when they're babies and it's all new and fun. But we're talking 18 years. In many ways it gets harder as the years go on.

What about your finances, your security into your old age, your savings, your pension? This will be affecting all of those. And as I said, it's all fun and games for the first couple of years, but after a few years of sacrificing yourself, you're going to start losing patience.

She doesn't know the reality. She can't because she's too young. You do, so like it or not, it's up to you to give some tough love.

I'd be laying out the two scenarios very clearly and talking her through the facts and her choices. Do you think she realises how seriously this will impact her life? Or does she think you will pick up the pieces?

This is a deeply unfair situation for children. And to you, OP. You know you’ll be left minding them all. If it’s early doors in the pregnancy, I would discuss options to terminate.

You need to let her know you will not be raring her children and she needs to move out. She is killing the very small chance she has at gaining an education and a stable life for the kid she has.

Don’t get me started on the boy. In fairness OP, I know they’re close enough in age, but she was at one point having sex with a minor.
I get she’s only 17 herself, but she still sounds like a selfish fool and needs to hear some truth.

You’re clearly doing everything you can, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Your love for your daughter and grandson shines through — they’re lucky to have you.

This is such a tough situation, and while it’s heartbreaking to watch her repeat a cycle, you’re right that pushing too hard could push her closer to him. Here are some gentle ways you might support her:

1. Keep communication open – Let her talk without judgment. Ask gentle questions to help her reflect on her future.
2. Get outside support – A youth worker, counsellor, or teen mum service might help her see things more clearly.
3. Focus on her strengths – She’s doing well with college and parenting — remind her she’s capable without him.
4. Set healthy boundaries – You’re not a bad mum for saying you can’t do everything. It’s okay to protect your own wellbeing.
5. Think ahead – If she continues the pregnancy, start talking through practical plans — housing, childcare, study, support.
6. Limit his influence safely – Be mindful of how involved he is, especially if social services already have concerns.

You’re doing your best in a painful situation. Your support is making more of a difference than you might realise — just don’t forget to look after yourself too.

if its any consolation at all to you my cousin had 2 sons with the most all around craptastic man ever. In fact during her 2nd pregnancy another woman was pregnant from him too. It was a giant shitshow of drama troubles and poverty. He also sold weed for spending money. She said her father came to visit once and a cockroach climbed the wall behind him! My uncle never said a word, he was a very kind man.

A few years passed and she went back to school, became a nurse and has a lovely life, both boys graduated university too. That man of hers? Still living in poortown, scraping pennies together. So its possible your daughter will come around if you love and support her and keep urging her forward.

Fucking hell. This is so hard.

id say push for a termination but you can’t, it’s her body and it might backfire on you.

id be absolutely fuming. I’d also remind her that she can’t be trusted to take a pill every day so how is she going to manage 2 kids before her 18th birthday?

does she know mummy will sort it? I can only think if she’d been left to deal with parenting alone she’d be reluctant to keep this baby but I recognise that’s unfair on the child and you.

she’s been incredibly incredibly irresponsible here and I think I’d now have to come down like a ton of bricks, the first one yes okay support and help out but she’s took the piss to let it happen again. Especially with such a twat of a “father”. Is her dad on the scene?

Well you and your daughter have decisions to make. This could carry on pretty much until your daughter gets fed up with getting pregnant- she may be telling the truth about making a mistake, but honestly I doubt it-did she tell within the 72 hour morning after pill window? I'm betting she didn't- if you are pinned down with one child-what could another matter, and the BF might step up, you can see the reasoning I'm sure.
This means your daughter has to decide between having your support, or clinging onto the idea her boyfriend will transfer into the partner and father she needs. For your own sake you cannot go on with their relationship carrying on.
Should he step up in future he can apply for visitation rights-but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry just saw dad has passed.

xould you have a longggggggg brutal chat with her, possibly with a professional, about how hard it is parenting alone? Because that’s where it’s going.

what happens if it’s baby number 3? 4? I’m sure she’s a bright girl but she sounds very stupid or just makes stupid choices

I totally agree it's up the male as well but, as I said, ultimately, it's a girl's body and if she doesn't want to get pregnant she has the means not to. Relying on a condom, if they agree to wear one) can split and if you have spontaneous sex isn't it always better to know you've taken precautions as a female? Just a case of being responsible and of course both would be ideal.

The only contraception available to male is condom, not always reliable or used so a back up is essential.

this!!! This thread is making my head spin. This boy was 13 when he started a relationship with your DD. 13!!! And 14 when they conceived. He’s a child, in the care system with no parents. Of course he’s useless! Wtaf.

I agree but I’m wondering if this applies to OP’s daughter to some extent too. I grew up in a working class community where quite a few of the older teenage girls did that as a result of the kind of families they were from.

They didn’t necessarily come from what is considered wildly dysfunctional with social services intervention etc, but they just had parents who were either bickering constantly, ignoring each other or separated/having affairs/absent fathers . They just couldn’t wait to have kids of their own from age 16-19 whereas I was off traveling and saving for uni.

@StrugglingNannyNan What kind of upbringing did she have? Is she close to you and her father?

Agree with you and @Lizziespring.

I used to work with kids in care and I could see a lot of the teenage boys had brilliant personalities and were a joy to teach, but sadly I could see they were either going to shape up or be terrible partners/dads as they just didn’t have the skills due to their terrible start in life. This wasn’t the case for all of them but it was the case for many of them.

Given all that Op has said it would be more surprising if he was a good father tbh.

I’ve tried to make her see that but she won’t hear it. She keeps saying she loves him and wants to stay with him and that he is a good dad (which is debatable most days) and just shuts the conversation down whenever I push.

She says the only reason she didn’t tell him yesterday was because they wouldn’t have had a proper talk with how wound up he was, but I can’t help feeling like she’s stalling. I said to her earlier that if she’s scared to tell him something so big, that’s not love, and it’s definitely not a good sign. She just said I don’t understand and that he’s had a hard life. I do get that to a point but she seems to think his trauma means he can do no wrong.

He was meant to come over tonight and then messaged saying he was “busy” so didn’t come. DD’s not in college tomorrow and apparently he’s said he’ll see her and grandson then instead. She gets so giddy when he’s around and acts much younger than she does when she’s just with me or at home.

I will be letting social services know about the pregnancy. I’m just torn about whether to do it behind her back. I agreed I wouldn’t tell his foster carer until she told him herself but now I’m not so sure.

This post is so sad . Children having children. I’m sorry but in your eyes I wouldn’t pushing her to have a termination. She isn’t ready to have another one. You say she wants to finish college and get a good job, with another baby that won’t happen for atleast 2 years and even then can she afford nursery fees. He needs support and motivation. He’s grown up in the care system and lost his way. Course he gets Angry and doesn’t know what he’s doing , he’s never been shown. This decision is your daughters alone and I hope she makes the best one. I think it wouldn’t be fair on the dad ro have the baby and both of them if they stay together need to sort contraception.

Isn't the bottom line that she can’t possibly afford to raise another baby? Who exactly does she expect is going to house and provide for her two children?

She also needs to be made to realise that he won’t hang around anyway when he hears the news …and if he’s drug dealing….is that what she wants for the father of her children….an addict with all the despair that goes with that and no loving support.

Do a spread sheet with her, detailing every expense including rent, council tax, insurance, transport, utilities, food, socialising, Christmas. Ask her how she is going to possibly meet those expenses. Tell her that one extra in your family was a mistake which you were good enough to accommodate and finance because you love her but another accidental pregnancy is impossible for you and not something you are going to accept.
You are perfectly entitled to tell her this. And you must be firm and blunt. And not allow her to take you for granted. It’s tough love I know. But it’s the truth OP.

Your DD isn’t thinking maturely because she is too young. She is desperate to hang on to this boy and wrongly associates him with love. A lot of her powerful feelings are misplaced, as to be expected, so you have to think for her and insist that though it’s her decision in the end, you are unable to have any part in bringing up another child in your home so she would be on her own with two children. So it’s your job to point out the reality of her situation.

Talk to her about what that looks like for others taking the same path.Eg being made homeless, living in an emergency council room in a poor and rough part of town with a young child and new born and little help, having to give up college and her career dreams, having very little money, having to rely on food banks and benefits, being caught in the benefits trap, zero hours work with no prospects, being unable to afford make up and treats because the baby needs baby milk, having little chance of meeting a decent life partner, etc.
Then talk to her about what the alternative looks like. A new chance with proper contraception and the hope and chance for a much better life, with loving support and a hopes of a fantastic career where she can launch herself properly and do her very best for her child.

Your DD really needs this straight talking from you OP.
Let the £ numbers do the talking.

OP make it clear to her that she needs to claim child benefit for her child, and use any benefits for food and clothes etc. you shouldn't be footing the bill, she is the parent of the baby, not you.

I had a boyfriend like this as a teen. Care, drugs, drama, no good for me, and got pregnant. Fortunately I had the hood sense to decide against being tied to him for the rest of my life and having seen the path he continued down it was a wise choice.

Obviously she is already tied to him with child one, but she doesn't need to make life even harder!!

I'd explain you won't be babysitting two children. If she wants this baby she needs to understand she will be paying for them, caring for them when she's not at college, etc. I'd also gently point out that she needs to understand he will likely not be pulling his weight as he should be, given he already isn't with the first child!!

I really feel for you. I'd be hopping mad.

Yes she’s stalling because she knows like last time if she waits she can’t have a termination. You need to tell social services, the foster carers and get her some counselling. She can’t protect him and this isn’t normal.

OP, what does she say if you bring up expenses? Who is going to support this baby? Have you not asked her?

Im a special guardianship, my daughter was pregnant at 16.
If social services are involved with both families already and it is the same dad they will be on you like a tonne of bricks.
I really wish I had pushed my daughter harder about a termination but I sat back because it was her body, but here I am with a 6year old special needs child.
I left my career behind, moved cities and im on my own with no support or friends.
Who is the baby currently with legally?
Because when ss find out they will start an assessment of needs for the baby and could take the baby as soon as it is born - they sound like prime examples of 'neglect' both under physical and emotional, due to both parents already having their hands full, the drugs and everything else.
I had to choose between my daughter or my granddaughter.
Just a warning but new born babies are easier and cheaper for the council/ ss to fully adopt from birth rather than continued domestic arrangements of paid support from social workers.

I would strongly urge her to have the termination. She buried her head in the sand with her first pregnancy, this should not be allowed to happen in her second. Her brain isn't fully developed; she is unable to forsee the terrible outcomes that would be probable should she continue the pregnancy. I suggest using terminology such as "foetus" rather than "baby" when discussing this with your daughter.

Her little boy has already been subjected to so many disadvantages through no fault of his own. A life of poverty and low-paid work are the most likely outcome for him as it is without throwing a new baby into the mix. He should come first; every effort should be made to ensure that this does not become a generational poverty cycle.

This is a sobering post and has a lot of information that I would start with in talking to your Dd op.

I think withdrawing support for the GS is not the right approach; it will only drive dd away or make her dig her toes in or store up trouble and resentment between you. But I WOULD focus on the fact that you are both stretched with one little one and need to do the best thing by him.

ETA I’m sorry you are in this position. You seem compassionate and it’s not easy.