DD(17) pregnant again with the same useless dad

[StrugglingNannyNan]

First time posting, long time lurker. Just need to let this all out because I feel like I’m losing it.

DD is 17 and had her little boy nearly 11 months ago. She’s back at college, doing well considering everything, and I’m really proud of her for sticking it out. But she’s just told me she’s pregnant again. And it’s by the same boy who’s 16 now and still completely useless.

Bit of backstory. They were together when she was 15. He’s a few months younger, December born, so he was the year below her in school. They were together for about 6 months. Then he left her, blocked her when she told him she was pregnant, and moved on with someone else. She didn’t tell me until she was around 5 months gone. He popped back up after the baby was born saying he wanted to be involved, and eventually they got back together properly.

He’s been in foster care most of his life and there’s always something going on. DD constantly defends him, saying he’s struggling mentally and that he’s a “good dad really,” but he’s not. He stopped smoking weed for a while after the baby was born, but he’s back on it now. I’ve got a strong feeling he might be dealing. He gives DD money and he’s not working or in college. Just sat his GCSEs and didn’t revise at all. Said it was pointless and barely turned up half the time.

He’s not capable of basic parenting. Can’t change a nappy properly even though DD’s shown him loads of times. He doesn’t know what the baby eats or when he naps. A couple of weeks ago the baby fell off the sofa while he was supposed to be watching him. He’d gone outside to vape. I completely lost my rag. I shouted at him, properly shouted, and he just stood there looking at the floor. Didn’t say a single word. Not even sorry.

The hardest bit is the baby absolutely adores him. Always smiling at him, lights up when he walks in, wants to be around him. And when he’s holding him, he looks like a proper dad. But the second he needs something, or starts crying, or needs changing, he passes him off. It’s me or DD who do the actual parenting.

His foster carers are trying their best but you can tell they’re at the end of their rope. They’ve said he lies, smokes too much, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t listen. Social services are involved with both households. Ours have already raised concerns about him being around the baby unsupervised, especially now that the weed’s back. But DD plays it all down. I don’t think they even know how much he’s actually around.

Now this pregnancy. DD was supposed to be on the pill. She says she messed it up. She’s only a few weeks, but I just feel sick. She hasn’t told him yet. Says he’ll freak out and she can’t deal with it. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll step up. He didn’t the first time and I can’t see him suddenly changing now. I know I’ll be the one holding it all together again while he just floats through doing the bare minimum and being praised for it.

I love my daughter and my grandson more than anything. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m watching her tie herself to a life that’s going to make everything ten times harder. And I don’t know how to help without pushing her closer to him.

Tell the foster parents and tell social.services. Go behind her back.

Your daughter needs therapy to figure out why shes throwing her life away and dragging babies along for the ride.
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@SicknessMadness

With respect, the OP's daughter has enormous issues. She believes what this boy is putting her through is love. She's ready and willing to have unprotected sex with him and bring babies into the world whom she has no means of supporting and who this boy does not want (but he's happy to have sex all the same of course). She tiptoes around him and makes excuses for his lack of engagement with her. She's trying really hard to make this loser a partner to her by continuing to bear his babies.

She has absolutely no self esteem and no boundaries at all.

I agree with everything you say and with OP supporting her DD to consider all her options.

But, in my experience that does not in any way meet social services criteria to remove at birth - something the poster I quoted inferred was likely.

I suspect she doesn’t want to tell him as she suspects he’ll be cross but she wants to keep the baby. If she stalls long enough a termination wouldn’t be an option and this may be her plan.

Really proud of this thread, some wonderful advice and perspectives.

Aside from all this advise I'd get some support as quickly as you can and show 100% you're supporting your daughter. I wouldn't have the boy at my house he isn't safe around the child and social services could sort out supervised cintact for him. You don't want to be seen as putting this or future child children at risk . If they aren't careful the child will have a life in care too and the cycle will, start again

Children having children. He doesn't know who he is himself yet. Esp if there's a back story.
If I were in your position I would concentrate on your daughter and the children. If he rocks up from time to time fine but needs supervising. Thats what's best for the child at the moment.

He probably won't be around for long then you and her can get on with the parenting. Sad to say. Sometimes its better if he isn't around. Good luck.

I will be letting social services know about the pregnancy. I’m just torn about whether to do it behind her back

No need to "go behind her back"< OP - tell her that's what you're going to do and then do it anyway, along with informing the foster parents

Clearly support's going to be needed, unless you're determined to make aa martyr of yourself, and this seems the best way to get it, and if she throws a teenage strop you could invite her to consider whether her level of maturity is what's neeeded to brring another innocent child into the world

I'm sorry but I thought I saw a thread a few weeks ago about something very very similar.

Any chance the relationship can be ended?

@Vsdcs
how??

All of this. How will she work with 2 children now she has worked so hard at college for her future? How will she afford to pay for everything and support her “little family”? Because it will all be down to her. And if the boyfriend can’t spend any unsupervised time with his children who will look after them while she works?

she needs to claim whatever she can in order to either pay you something or save for her future life.

So she has one child and at college but still had time to go out and have unprotected sex. She seems to have to much time on her hands, a bit more responsibility at home!

In the home that OP pays for.
Because saying no to your child or asking them how they plan to pay for stuff will cause them to go no contact or run away from home.

I think the DD has been very very irresponsible and hasn't chosen a good well behaved partner.

Read the bloody post, he died.

Some people genuinely seem to think this and it’s really worrying! I don’t think it ever crossed my parents mind that I would go ‘no contact’ with them if they challenged me on anything, and it didn’t cross my mind!

This is a good point and if social services get on board immediately, it will not be too late to make your DD see that trying to have a second baby, and thinking you can have a good relationship with such a damaged and traumatised boy, are both prime triggers for removal of both babies.
She needs to understand that however much she "loves" him, if he's neglectful and she allows him access to the babies, they CAN and WILL remove the babies.
If you were raising the children (and you will be strongly encouraged to do so, should they be removed), and she is still with him, she will only be allowed to see them under your supervision or in a supervised access centre, if she's not on board with him not being allowed access.

This is a car crash waiting to happen.

I am not sure it would, either, but it would be helpful to the OP's DD if she realised this was a possibility - and that non-removal at birth doesn't mean she can carry on parenting as she is doing, because any deterioration in her BF's behaviour (e.g. is he volatile) may lead to removal in the future.

It sounds like your daughter is trying to wait this out. The longer she waits, the more likely the decision is “out of her hands.” It sounds like this may have also happened in the first pregnancy too.

Your daughter needs immediate intervention, likely a stern discussion with SS about their expectations going forward. And like previous posters said the increasing likelihood of the children being removed (including at birth) if she cannot put their care before her volatile boyfriend.

I can't even imagine being early 30's and being the parent of two stroppy teenagers. I am that age and the majority of people I know who are my age haven't even had their first baby yet, have built great careers and are getting married. What a life for her and the two children, they will all miss out on so much.

@Iceandfire92 youre so right I look at friends of mine who are grandparents and I think god no thanks the kids do miss out. Kids having kids and the parents normally the grandmother picking up the pieces

@Parsley1234 The OP just being expected to pick up the pieces, both financially and practically, for a second time, makes me the most angry about this situation. What about her life? It’s incredibly selfish of her DD.

Yup. I think you should say to her you love her, will always support her, but she's growing her own family now and it's time they all got their own place or you will support her with a termination. You can't choose for her but you have done your parenting.