17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

Brilliant advice not! The daughter is already on a downward spiral
and this will make it far worse! I sincerely hope you’re not a parent yourself! Would her mother be able to live with herself if anything happened to her daughter or child and she had abandoned her!

Yes? Like there is in most family’s? Especially if you add in a young mum with a shitty bf, I’m not saying I agree that she should keep it, but I’m not one to judge or tell people what to do, only to advice on what the outcome could most likely be, which sounds although is her keeping the baby. I hope she sees sense but if not, what can you do? Apart from support through the hard times, however OP needs to also think about there own wellbeing aswell as her other children I understand it is difficult, her daughter thinks she is doing the right thing and if she’s not I’m sure she will learn from mistakes and I’m sure by the sounds of things her mother will be there to SUPPORT her even though right now it may feel like the end of the world, my auntie went through the exact same thing with my little cousin, 17 she has a baby, with an absolute idiot, no jobs no house or car, my auntie was torn just the same as OP also with two younger children going through some challenges, in the start she was angry and frustrated my cousin went off with her bf and it all went wrong, she came home to her mum, still pregnant and they worked through it together, it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t a walk in the park, when will it ever be? But like I said they now look back, understanding it’s not the end of the world, auntie is a happy grandma and cousin has her own place and part time job and also a happy loving mother doing brilliant in life, things work out whatever choice is made not in all cases no, but many young mums and there mother’s experiences this hardship at the start but often work through it, as I hope OP Can no matter what the end choice is. I just hope everything works out for good, not here to judge or tell or offend anyone (which I hope I have not)

Sending you strength @Snowpatrolling ❤️

You sound very strong. You’ve been through so much. And you’ll get through this. Don’t ever give up on your DD. Try to explain you all need to support each other as a family. You’ll do all you can to support her, as you always have. But you’re currently running on empty and, as she’s now a young adult, she should do all she can to support you and her sister, as well as her child.

I have friends who were in similar situations. Life seemed very bleak at the time. But (as you know) parenthood forces you to grow up and take responsibility. Their kids were responsible and did well for themselves as young parents, e.g. got a mortgage in early 20s, paid off by mid-40s. And now decades later, their family is close, happy and successful. Try to keep focussing on that. Things will get better.

As for the weed while pregnant. I’d leave it to midwives, doctors and social workers to explain the implications for her baby’s health and risk of removal from her care.

It's a sad situation but I'd imagine termination is the best option. I would really fear for a baby whose mother has been smoking weed flat out - the father too, the man can damage his sperm quality using large amounts of drugs. Does she even want the baby for its own sake?

I know some people struggle with the idea of termination. These scenarios are tragic for all involved, but a baby should not be brought into this life like that. Your daughter, who is still a child herself, needs a fresh start, to get back to education or a job with better prospects. Can you frame it to her like that, just to draw a line under the relationship and the pregnancy and move forward? She is really very young and hopefully will meet a decent man at some point, and have a home and family in more favourable circumstances. I am very sorry for the stress you are all under OP, what an awful situation. 💐

Op, I have been in a similar situation to yours.
My DDs are adopted and their teenage years were very challenging to put it mildly, with drugs, alcohol, aggression towards me and others, stealing, running away, getting kicked out of school etc.
Dd1 gave birth at 17 and didn’t change her ways and sadly her baby was taken into care right from hospital. I fought for them to go into a mother and baby unit but the baby was fostered. Even then dd could have got her back if she’d changed but she didn’t and baby was subsequently adopted at 18 months old. Dd1 is now 22 and after a few years of drinking and taking drugs, she says to try to block out the pain of losing her daughter, is in a better place and is ten weeks pregnant.
Dd2 gave birth at 18. She and the baby lived with me for a while, but that didn’t work out and for a while the baby went to live with a family member while dd sofa surfed. But she now has her own flat, has had a second baby, and both children are now off child protection. I still have some concerns about her parenting and a unhealthy on/off relationship with second baby’s family, but overall she’s doing ok.
It’s one hell of a shock, and it’s stressful and overwhelming for both you and your dd. I totally get your feelings of anger and frustration. I wish I had some advice and I hope your dd will step up, ditch the weed and the boyfriend, and raise this child if she insists on going ahead with the pregnancy.
Look after yourself because you understandably sound at the end of your tether.

Although you feel overwhelmed by this (understandably), you sound like you've got this. Despite having only just found out, you are plotting a course between getting her to take responsibility whilst still offering support, making sure there is a safety net of professionals whilst setting very clear boundaries about what you can and can't do. I'm not pretending this is an easy situation so don't hold back on asking for any help or support available, and take your time. It doesn't all need sorting straight away, though obviously there are time limits on some choices. You sound like someone who has unfortunately had to cope with a lot, and knows how to cope, however unfair this feels, but you are weary of having to cope alone. It's a horrible phase of life you are all going through, but it's temporary. In a few months you will not be responsible for your daughter or her children's welfare, however much you still care and want to support them.

You never know, this might be the making of your daughter. She may either make the difficult decision to have an abortion and it will be a wake up call or she may step up to being a good mum. It's early days for her to be accepting the reality of the situation and thinking like an adult. Sometimes it's taken a few years to see that my now adult children were actually listening to some of what I said when they were teens!

Most of what Ilady says is absolutely true but how you get a wilful 17 year old who has lost sight of basic common sense to see it I have no idea - I really wish I had some useful suggestions to make.
It’s very easy to say that she needs tough love and having made her bed she needs to lie on it but in reality I’m not sure how many of us with a pregnant 17 year old in similar circumstances, no matter how worn out we might be, would be truly happy doing this. There surely has to be some middle ground, and all the more so as a present despite what she may think the deadbeat boyfriend (and seemingly the rest of his family) will be of no help whatsoever and the only 2 good things she has going for her are a mum who obviously cares for her despite all the heartache she’s caused and her job. She can’t afford to lose either of these.
The OP needs all the help she can get to make her daughter see sense and although finding it will be yet another thing for her to do hopefully it will mean that if the daughter decides that she really does want to continue with pregnancy and understands that she is likely to end up without any male support the baby will at least be born into a supportive and drug free environment.

I won't repeat the great advise you have been given regarding getting your daughter to take responsibility for making her own appointments and getting help from health and social professionals. I'm assuming your daughter has just become pregnant and may well change her views in time, when the reality dawns that she won't be handed a new home and money. It also sounds like her BF relationship may may last the second trimester.

No, it's not. You tried and can only do so much. If you are at the end of your rope, you need to focus on you and your youngest.

@Horserider5678

Would her mother be able to live with herself if anything happened to her daughter or child and she had abandoned her!

Wow. How dare you try to guilt the OP like that?!

Did you RTFT?

OP I have only ever read and been adamant I'd never join MN but for you, I have done it 🫣

There are a lot of people on here who have not experienced the level of trauma that you have been through and will never be able to comprehend.
When you read the comments that are full of judgment and blame, I want you to remember that they could not walk a single chapter in your shoes, let alone all of it, healing from breaking cycles and still be here fighting & being the best mamma you can be.

I have been through a lot of experiences similar to yours; neglect, abuse, real solo parenting with no support system, children with complex mh that involves SH, rebellion, schools, social workers and all the work these types of situations create.

If I could hug you now I would but instead, I am going to offer my advice…
You say she isn't ND but as an AuDHD female with 3 ND kids, I would put money on that she is. I would look into PDA (under the ASD umbrella) & ADHD specifically in females.
I think your plan of supporting social care & GP are good call.
I would also ask social care or CAMHS to sign up for either a Neurodiversity Coach or mentorship program as well as ADHD & Autism assessment. PDA is about anxiety-driven control but unfortunately, if we don't know why we are the way we are or how to meet our needs then the symptomatic behaviours manifest negatively & dangerously leading to risk of harm whether that is intentional or subconsciously.

It does sound like she wants to be in control of her life but is just going about it in all the wrong ways.
3 years ago my eldest was at the peak of this and the only options I saw for our future were either me in a grave or them. I'd done everything I could, they had 6 social workers, I was 3 years in hoop jumping with education, CAMHS, dealing with police when they went missing and clawing money together for private psych assessments because I was terrified of where it was leading. Nothing worked until another social care team was called in and the main social worker from that team had one talk with them & it just hit in all the right places helping them understand how their brain worked and things that they could do to make their brain work for them. It was gradual & took time but their life is transformed now and that's the kid that I worry the least about now 🙈

I know you have also said you have money concerns, have you considered applying for DLA for your younger child? It is a needs based benefit rather than diagnosis. It might help with sensory equipment, travel expenses for appointments, safes for sharps & meds other extras that come with different needs.

Our life is not all breezy, there are glitches and obstacles but it nothing like it was so don't give up!

I am confused. Does she live with you or her bf. You said 'the house THEY live in is damp and mouldy' so I assumed she lived there, but then you say she is on your UC claim?

Have not read all the replies, so sorry if repeating what has been said. Please speak to the GP about your mental health and support you need. As others have said, it might be sensible to speak to social services about your older daughter, so they can support her in this pregnancy. She is a minor who is about to become a mother and is not allowing you to help her from what you say. Many areas also have specialist midwives or health visitors who support teenage mothers, your GP or social services may know about this. Do you think she is at risk of domestic violence from the boyfriend?

Snowpatrolling, I think that you are a great mum, to both your daughters. It’s clear that you have done everything in your power. Yo
u even posted here to get more advice. As a result of that you have a few new avenues to explore.

I know how impossible it can be to influence a loved one who is on the wrong path.

No matter what happens now you can be proud of yourself for doing your very best in circumstances that were already trying before the pregnancy was discovered. I hope that you yourself can see this. It’s not your fault that your daughter doesn’t listen.

You are a great mum. ❤

Only read your posts OP, but so sorry to hear you are going through this. You sound like you have done the very best that it was possible to do in very hard life circumstances, throughout your life. Ignore the genuinely ignorant judgey twats on this thread. All any of us can do is the best we can with the life we have experienced and the resources we have, and some of us have very few resources.

I admire what you have managed to do with the cards you have been dealt.

Your daughter is determined to be a mother. Hopefully this means she will step up once the baby is here to give him or her the best life she can. This could be the making of her. My boss had a baby at 16. One of the professionals I most respect in my line of work at 16, in very tough life circumstances.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

@Snowpatrolling

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I think you do need to step back. She's not listening. Save your energy for yourself and DD2. It's like they tell you in an airplane; in case of an emergency when the oxygen masks drop put your own mask on first. Only then put the masks on your children. You can't save anyone if you're suffocating.

When you do speak to DD1, stay in the present. What you will and won't do today. Saying "I won't do night feeds" or "I won't raise your child" is meaningless to her. She's not mature enough and cannot see any future other than her and scumbag BF living on generous benefits in a rent-free rose covered council-cottage at the end of a leafy lane with a baby who never cries and sleeps through the night from birth. Nothing you do or say is going to shake that vision. Save your breath to cool your porridge.

Unfortunately, this is a situation in which DD1 will have to rise or fall on her own. I understand that there is an innocent life involved but right now she is in control of that life. Point her in the right directions for help, but then drop the rope.

Hi sorry I’m back, more bad news re car,
got it from dealers last week, shouldn’t have passed mot, manager not in tomorrow but I need to hand the car back. Now need to find money for new car by Monday so I can work. new one is not safe to drive.

anyway have read the comments, thankyou for support and kind words.

to answer some questions. I put in a DLA claim for youngest, 25 week wait for response.
17 year old has already been assessed for autism and adhd, they say she doesn’t have it. Won’t diagnose bipolar for some reason but I have suspicions about that.

she lives with me most of the time. She stays with BF if she’s not at work.

no her dad is not involved and will laugh at me when he finds out. not that I have contact with him.

I’m not sure if I missed any other questions.

@Snowpatrolling can you stop her from staying with that loser? I suppose effectively she’s a minor.

When she was running away before I was told by police I couldn’t lock her in or she could have me charge with child imprisonment and I couldn’t lock her out as she could have me charged with child abandonment.
she won’t listen to me. She’s home now and I’ve just made her ring the drs.
they gonna call her back.

I find the way OP has not replied telling

She did reply. She took her to the doctors and had an implant fitter but her daughter arranged an appointment and had the implant taken out with her knowing

That’s crazy well I think OP as I said just needs to tell daughter she won’t be there for her

To quote…..

She’s actively been trying to get pregnant since she was 14. Myself and social convinced her to get the implant which she did then went and had it removed behind my back at some point, she also have contraceptive pill which she hasn’t taken.

She needs thrown out in that case

@Cheffymcchef I absolutely did reply to the question, I took her for implant at 14 and she’s had it removed without me knowing, she’s had support from the willow project who talk about contraception sex and drugs with teenagers. I have had the contraception talk with her many a time.