17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

If PP is correct and she’s actively been trying for a baby since 14, you need to wash your hands of the situation and have her move.

I take it you've had conversations about why she's been trying to get pregnant for so long? Does that also mean that she really wants a baby?

Only said by a very privileged middle class parent who has never lived on the breadline….

What’s OP supposed to do if she can’t afford her bills and rent and her daughter waltzes off leaving the OP to look after the baby??

In real life, having no money and 3 dependants with varying mental health issues is a pretty shit way to live. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So sorry OP, you’ve clearly had a rough time with your eldest daughter and she’s still at that crap age when they do stupid things.

Oh please.
Majority of UK population is overweight. It is not like all would starve if a pregnant teen sleeps on a sofa and they keep baby in that room.
And yes, I lived in houseshare horrible conditions with VERY limited food access but still would not kick anyone from my family out just so I can have more for myself.

I believe having group therapy as a family and individually will help allow everyone talk about their trauma. Op can learn new coping mechanisms and her children will have a better understanding of their upbringing. You all need to heal from the pain.

Yes, some of the worst responses here reek of middle class privilege. Have you tried to talk to your daughter? What about a hug? You forgot to talk about contraception, your fault! Why not have a nice cup of tea and calm down before you talk to your child? Are you sure she is not ND? Where is her father?

It was very clear from the first post that OP is barely holding on and that her life is chaotic, brutal and lonely. Have some heart for pity's sake.

Then you haven't read all her posts

She's having a rough time with all her children. My daughter self harmed and it's the most traumatic thing to watch. She never cut herself she used to pull out her hair. I had to take her away from the situation and use CBT with her and teach how to love herself again. She was badly bullied at school and she took it out on herself. She went to therapy a few times and it did wonders for her.

And the Parent of the Year goes to...

You'd find it that easy to cut her off, would you?

And the money for that comes from where?

And do you really think the daughter will go?

Well she’s probably not wasting her time.
i find you not answering my questions telling. Please do let me know how you enforce contraception on someone. Particularly one who hasn’t listened to her mum on anything else it seems

@Cheffymcchef there's a 'See All' button so the original posters replies can be viewed.

Didn’t bother to read the OP’s full update's then ? She is at the end of her tether and you’re trying to guilt her into taking on a baby on behalf of her irresponsible daughter and her deadbeat boyfriend ?

I hate to say this as I’ve been the pregnant teenager too but how far off is she from 18? Maybe try to drag it along until she’s officially an adult and then she’ll have to move out.

Unfortunately she needs a wake up call. A serious one as now there’s a child involved.

Well she’s rung spoke to the Drs and is now having another meltdown. The dr asked if I had any concerns and I was honest about the financial implications, that she’s going to need a lot of support as I’m juggling many balls myself.
dd has just screamed at me and told me that I’m trying to get her baby taken away, and that I’m a know it all skank.
shes had a tantrum about having to go to the local hospital and she wanted to go to one in another town, asked her how she was gonna get there for appointments.
she said she’ll figure it out as she’ll need to go to the local one closer BF so he can be there. Told her that his dad can drop him down when it’s time to give birth,
is refusing to take her meds, dr tried to tell her she needs to keep her mental health stable.
shes gone for a joint now.
she Said she needs my support, I told her she needs to stop having tantrums and grow up and deal with the situation, told her nothing I said will get her baby taken off her but her attitude will.
shes lied to the dr about the abusive relationship.
she said she doesn’t want another support, I told her I asked for it as this isn’t something I can deal with by myself. She didn’t like that answer either.
i just want to be sick.

The op is working with social services. Op can ask for family therapy. There would be a wait. It's worth it.

Her daughter is a mother now she has no choice she has to grow up quickly. She can learn the hard way and live with her tramp boyfriend. History will repeat itself again.

The op can only do what she can she is already struggling. If the child ends in care then it's for the best. The baby will get a good start if they take them away early.

The op will never be able to have her back home again. Op won't be able to deal with her.

A family friend's foster daughter had a baby recently, and due to her MH issues/drinking, she was referred immediately to a specialist Midwife team who oversaw her care. And the foster Mum was able to say that she couldn't support them both, as the relationship was so badly damaged.

At this point OP, I'd ring Social Services yourself and involve them with your worries. Your DD needs specialist support and help that you can't give her. And there is no shooting the messenger like she's going to do with you - and this way, you can make it very clear that there is no place for her or a baby at home. They will assign a social worker to the baby and one to your DD.

Oh Lord @Snowpatrolling I wish I could give you a massive hug and a cup of tea.
You sound like such a fighter ,trying so hard .
Nothing I can say but sending virtual strength and love

Has she been assessed for BPD? She’s so erratic that it kinda fits, it makes 0 sense to actively try for a baby since 14 when you’re barely doing anything worthwhile, smoking weed and dating a loser isn’t a plan.

I would sit her down and go through all the expenses and realities of having a child. How far along is she? Is there still time for an abortion?

Please. This girl is going to make the baby everyone’s problem but hers. It’s just a shiny new thing that she decided she wanted for whatever reason, it doesn’t even have to make sense.

OP has work and has another child who is also struggling, a newborn and an extremely immature, irresponsible parent in the household is going to be like a bomb going off.

The best case scenario would be getting her her own place and helping from a distance.

Have you contacted social services yet…about the joint smoking, the fact she’s in a physically abusive relationship? Once social services know she’s unlikely to be allowed to live with her bf if she wants to keep the baby. Problem is she’s likely to deny it all to them I guess. Is there any evidence he’s been physical towards her?

And I agree that she needs her own place and to move out from you. Take responsibility for herself, her own finances. If she wants to be a grown up and have a baby then that’s her life. Yes, support her from a distance but do not take this on.

I know nothing about smoking weed and pregnancy so looked it up.
Had she taken time to research it ? Loads of info comes up.

Potential health effects of using cannabis during pregnancy
Using cannabis during pregnancy may affect your baby's development and put you at risk of pregnancy complications.1
Cannabis use during pregnancy can be harmful to your baby's health.1 The chemicals in cannabis (in particular, tetrahydrocannabinol or THC) pass through your system to your baby and may harm your baby's development.2
Although more research is needed to better understand how cannabis may affect you and your baby during pregnancy, it is recommended that pregnant women do not use cannabis.34
Some research shows that using cannabis while you are pregnant can cause health problems in newborns, including lower birth weight and abnormal neurological development.1
Breathing cannabis smoke contains many of the toxic and cancer-causing chemicals found in tobacco smoke.5 THC, the psychoactive or mind-altering compound in cannabis, may also be passed to infants through secondhand smoke.6
The potential health effects of using cannabidiol (CBD) products during pregnancy are currently unknown.
Cannabis use while pregnant

You know the right thing to do, OP. The baby will end up with drug withdrawals and she won't do anything to protect the baby from the boyfriend either and her mental health means she will be found unfit. She's smoking weed while pregnant which means the baby could be born without limbs. Do you have any idea what happens to children in foster care?

If she wants to live on the dole and smoke weed she can do that without dragging an innocent life into it.