17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

ADHD isn't a mental health problem. It's a neurodevelopmental condition, but there are multiple ND that, especially undiagnosed, are associated with a risk of mental health issues. People end up finding things hard that others find easy, don't understand why they're struggling, and can end up developing pathological coping mechanisms.

It won't help the OP and her DD right now having a diagnosis, but - in the long term - if it does turn out her daughter is undiagnosed ADHD then it should help everyone understand and support each other better.

That proves nothing, MH issues and anxiety are both highly comorbid with ND conditions, up to 50% of autistic people also have an anxiety disorder.
The fact that her sibling is probably autistic means she has a much higher chance of being ND herself. If she is ND then in emotional maturity she may be up to 3 years behind her peers.

I'd be really worried for your DD OP, she has had a very difficult life due her abusive father and is probably desperate to feel loved by a man - but has no idea how that should look. She probably thought having a baby would magically lead to her boyfriend wanting to be with her and they would be given somewhere to live due to the baby and be a lovely happy family.

I think you have to remember that none of this is her fault, she has been really damaged and she is trying to make a life and feel loved and valued when she really is just a kid and has no idea how the real world works. Desperately wanting to be pregnant at 14 isn't normal, this child is extremely vulnerable whether she's ND or not and desperately, desperately needing to feel loved and valued.

You have had to work 2 jobs just to survive, a full time and a part time job so I can't imagine there was a huge amount of time you were able to devote to her, I'd imagine you are generally completely exhausted from life and just trying to cope yourself. You can see how within this whole situation though that your DD may end up going down this path of self destruct and desperation for love in the wrong places - especially if she has the emotional immaturity of being ND thrown in.

I know you don't think she's ND OP but i didn't think my DS was either - till he was diagnosed. She may not be autistic, she may have ADHD - different ND conditions often run through families and if they don't run through yours they may run undiagnosed through her dads. Teens with ADHD are 3 times more likely to use weed than other teens, and more than half of cannabis users have ADHD.

Aye you're right. I was just lumping them in one category for ease of typing as the op seems adamant that it's not ND, but with one Autistic daughter and all these behaviour problems, it's highly likely that ND runs in the family. As another poster said ND and mental health conditions are comorbid. I'm speaking from the experience of generational trauma, CPTSD, depression / anxiety and AuDHD. 🙃 Surprisingly I'm doing OK though!

I feel sorry for you because I think that you have been trying hard to deal with difficult circumstances for years. You got away from your husband and what he said and did in the past. You have a younger teenager with problems and your waiting to see if she has autism.

Your 17 year old has now come pregnant, smokes weed and is on my medication. Her boyfriend is from a bad family, has no job and smokes weed also.
Your daughter wants to keep this baby and probably thinks she and him will get a house and benefits. She probably thinks as well that if she has a baby it will keep him with her as well.

I tell her that she won't get a house or flat from the council if she has this baby and she can't stay living with you. I also tell her that you can't afford to give up work and bring up this child. Tell her as well that her 17 year old boyfriend does not want a baby and he will be out cheating on her once he gets the chance. Tell her that he get sick of her and a crying baby and he will leave her on her own with a baby and no money. Ask her how much are nappies and a tin of baby milk? Tell her she have no money for weed, night out ect and meanwhile her friends will be going to college, university, getting job's, travelling and perhaps living abroad in the next few years and she be stuck in a horrible flat with a baby, no boyfriend and no money.
I tell her that she be better off having an abortion and getting away from that boyfriend. If she does this you will help her get back into education so she can have a better future.

If she refuses to listen to you and would ring the police and tell them her boyfriend is dealing weed and get him arrested in front of her. From what you said his whole family are fond of weed and a police search in that house should find weed.
Perhaps getting the boyfriend arrested might make her see what life will be like with him.

I tell her as well that if she has the baby she will have blood and urine tests in hospital and that the internal tests they do are very sore also. That social services will be involved and will call to see where she is living and seeing her smoking weed.
Then social services will take the baby off her and by then her boyfriend will have another girlfriend.

In reality what 17 year old lad wants a baby? His parents might think it fine having a baby at 17 but a baby is hard work. Even a strong relationship with parents who planned a baby in their late 20's/early 30's can find it hard going.
One of my friends had IVF in her 30's and she said that being pregnant and the 1st 6 months after having the baby were far harder both physically and mentally than she expected. She had a house, money and her husband was very supportive also.

I know several girls and boys aged 17 to 23 and they are all in university, working part time during college and full time during the summer. They are saving hard to go away for the odd weekend or to have a cheap foreign with friends before going back to college. None of them want kids for a long time yet.

If she continues with this pregnancy I would be contacting social services and telling them the full story of her, him, his family circumstances etc. I would also tell the hospital about her as well.

Are you for real?? 😒 What a stupid comment! You can march her there all you like, but nobody will do a thing with her if she doesn’t want it! You realise the patient has to consent to everything? Doctors can’t even do a blood test if the patient is scared and refuses - even as a child under 16.

So sorry if you've felt judged by some of the more ignorant posters on here.

It shines through that you're a good Mum, who's been dealt a REALLY tough hand, but have been trying your absolute best, engaging with all the help offered and aiming to guide your kids on the right track.

I know this post is about your DD, but I just wanted to pop on and say that you sound really (understandably) low. For you to able to support your DDs in the way you describe, you need to fill your own cup (/put your own oxygen mask on first).

Please prioritise yourself over the next week or 2, arrange things you like to do, see friends, exercise, whatever lifts you up. I know, as mothers, we're usually at the bottom of our own list but, just for now, give yourself permission to look after yourself. Then you'll be in a much better place to support your DDs as necessary.

Big unmumsnetty hug, you can do this x

Things will work out, you’ll be alright. I think the best thing you can do right now is make an appointment with your GP for you, your daughter and your other child.

Your doctor will be able to guide you and your daughter through her situation and direct you to community services available, as well as refer you and your other child to a mental health professional.

It’s going to be ok ❤️

Where is her father?

I have no practical advice not already suggested, but can we stop blaming the poor OP? She's fucking drowning.

And also click on see all posts to read the OPs answers to questions.

It's not your fault. Your daughter is crying out for love and she thinks this is the way to get it. You have done all you can do as her mother. She needs therapy to get over the trauma of her father being emotionally abusive and then leaving and abandoning her. That's where she is stuck. Get her therapy and talk to her about the past and how wonderful she is. It's a long road getting over emotional trauma you have to be patient.

It's almost certainly not going to be ok.

I think if you can keep nagging at her to call Social and see that she won't be given a house with benefits, she may wake up to reality. Someone needs to convince her that her life will be shit.
Not you. Is there anyone else she respects?

Oh get over yourself you sanctimonious twat.

In amongst my 6 kids I have a 23 year old that got pregnant and had her baby at 16. She took care of it, finished school and is a bloody amazing mother. I give her all the support I can.

I also have a 28 year old boy I can barely look at sometimes. Despite having the same upbringing as the other 5 he honestly believes the world owes him something. Dirty, weedhead married a like minded woman. Both kids removed by social services and I’m raising them.

Im bloody knackered and then I see some dick like you come along and suggest we just need a good old hug and all will be well. It won’t!

Social services are shocking. They did not look at the whole child for the 3 years they were involved in her life. The whole family needed counciling together rather than make one child feel like they are the trouble maker. They have all gone through trauma and the system has let them down.

just be her support for whatever decision she makes, tell her what you think is the best thing to do and explain why, if she listens then she listens and if not she will be okay.. maybe some struggle and stress, but with the right support things will fall into place. Early days, one day she will be grown and whatever she decides you will both one day look back and understand that it wasn’t the end of the world.

wishing you luck, hope you all get through it together :)

First of all, I’m really sorry for everything that’s going on, OP.

I was a mother at 16 and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone had abortion been an option, it honestly baffles me when visibly unprepared people deliberately want babies. She’s in for a rude awakening and you need to let her feel it, no matter how painful or how sorry you feel for her as the time goes on.

I strongly disagree with kicking children out (my mum did that but our situation was completely different to yours) but even if she stays you need to put all the responsibility on her so she starts feeling the weight of it asap. And tell whoever authority/medical needs to be told about the weed. This isn’t just about her anymore, it’s about the baby.

I would check if there’s any way she can transition from your house to her own place and hopefully have something in place by the time the baby arrives. I hate saying this though but I feel very sorry for the baby, she doesn’t sound capable at all as it stands.

She needs to know her options, abortion, adoption or figure out if she is able to bring up a child. SS will get involved due to the drugs and mental health. The child, if she has it, could be taking off her. Wouid you be able to bring up another child? As it will probably land on you.

OP, is there no contact at all with your ex/ her father? Is there a shred of a chance he’d step up and help?

If not, who else do you have to support YOU through this? A friend, colleague or family member. You deserve support and an outlet.

Wow!

Nice judgemental attitude there

Some struggle and stress??

How do you know she didn’t talk to her about contraception? How do you “ensure” a 17 year old is on contraception? Do you force a pill down their throat every day? Why are you blaming the OP as if she’s made some sort of omission here?

There is some real sanctimonious claptrap on this thread

@Snowpatrolling Doesn't know which way is up right now and a bloody hug won't sort it

OP - go to the GP and SS and Shelter and take a breath and take it from there.
If you come back here I hope more posters can give you more practical advice

As to everyone else - if you've got nothing helpful to say, give it a rest. ALL of us could have been or still could be in the same position, Don't think it's not possible

Exactly! She’s doing her best with a really shit situation here! I have nothing practical to add other than if you don’t have any advice than don’t join the pile on!! And rtft! She got her an implant - what more could she have actually done to help prevent this pregnancy?

No advice, I just think you're an absolute rock star of a mum. You look after yourself though.