Page 11 | 17 year old is pregnant

Snowpatrolling · 2025-05-26T15:23:31+00:00

Hi, im not sure what I’m asking for here, my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant. she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed. im financially struggling with no family support, my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms. had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game. im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore. their dad is not on the scene, somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 27/05/2025 18:16

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 16:39

Well she’s rung spoke to the Drs and is now having another meltdown. The dr asked if I had any concerns and I was honest about the financial implications, that she’s going to need a lot of support as I’m juggling many balls myself.
dd has just screamed at me and told me that I’m trying to get her baby taken away, and that I’m a know it all skank.
shes had a tantrum about having to go to the local hospital and she wanted to go to one in another town, asked her how she was gonna get there for appointments.
she said she’ll figure it out as she’ll need to go to the local one closer BF so he can be there. Told her that his dad can drop him down when it’s time to give birth,
is refusing to take her meds, dr tried to tell her she needs to keep her mental health stable.
shes gone for a joint now.
she Said she needs my support, I told her she needs to stop having tantrums and grow up and deal with the situation, told her nothing I said will get her baby taken off her but her attitude will.
shes lied to the dr about the abusive relationship.
she said she doesn’t want another support, I told her I asked for it as this isn’t something I can deal with by myself. She didn’t like that answer either.
i just want to be sick.

I'm sorry this must be so awful for you. All I can suggest is one day at a time. Everything you're doing and saying to her makes sense. Hang on in there. You've both known about this for less than 48 hrs I think and already you've got her to ring the GP, so that's one task ticked off. If you can calmly repeat what you're saying to her and ignore the tantrums (like you did when she was a toddler 😉) maybe she will calm down a little x

AInightingale · 27/05/2025 18:23

Where did you read that @AmusedJadeCritic ? Do babies of weed smokers really go through withdrawal? I have never heard of them being born with limb abnormalities either, though the type of strains being grown now could be full of unknowns. I think it's been proven that it can cause abnormalities with brain development (heavy, everyday use).

A pregnant heavy drinker would be closely monitored by health and social services, so OP will have to be upfront as she can be with daughter's doctors and midwives. It's a terrible situation.

Bigcat25 · 27/05/2025 18:25

AmusedJadeCritic · 27/05/2025 17:38

You know the right thing to do, OP. The baby will end up with drug withdrawals and she won't do anything to protect the baby from the boyfriend either and her mental health means she will be found unfit. She's smoking weed while pregnant which means the baby could be born without limbs. Do you have any idea what happens to children in foster care?

If she wants to live on the dole and smoke weed she can do that without dragging an innocent life into it.

Edited

Please don't stress op out even more. I don't endorse pot while pregnant at all but I'm not sure the baby would have withdrawals on poy, nor is the limb thing high probabality. Maybe I'm wrong. I would try talking to her about risks that are backed up by scientific research, and how just bc her friends baby is ok doesn't mean her's is. ( And her friend's baby may end up with problems too.)

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 27/05/2025 18:42

miraxxx · 27/05/2025 16:08

Yes, some of the worst responses here reek of middle class privilege. Have you tried to talk to your daughter? What about a hug? You forgot to talk about contraception, your fault! Why not have a nice cup of tea and calm down before you talk to your child? Are you sure she is not ND? Where is her father?

It was very clear from the first post that OP is barely holding on and that her life is chaotic, brutal and lonely. Have some heart for pity's sake.

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Ok , middle class and privileged my entire life. My response would be :

I strongly recomend you have a termination whilst there's still time. If it's too late for a termination I strongly recommend you discuss with Social Services the possibility of placing the baby in long term foster care or adoption.

You and your useless boyfriend can't even look after a dog properly, far less a baby. You have probably already damaged the foetus by your drug use. You are not fit to be a mother, and no I won't come over all grandmotherly once the baby's here.

1SillySossij · 27/05/2025 19:06

I think your daughter needs to feel the consequences of her deliberate choices..

Helloworlditsmeagain · 27/05/2025 19:17

miraxxx · 27/05/2025 16:08

Yes, some of the worst responses here reek of middle class privilege. Have you tried to talk to your daughter? What about a hug? You forgot to talk about contraception, your fault! Why not have a nice cup of tea and calm down before you talk to your child? Are you sure she is not ND? Where is her father?

It was very clear from the first post that OP is barely holding on and that her life is chaotic, brutal and lonely. Have some heart for pity's sake.

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The reason why her DD has spiralled out of control is because her father is not in her life and the emotional abuse he inflicted. Her older daughter has been trying for a baby since 14 and her 13 year old is self harming. Children act out for a reason and girls are worse they are emotional and tend to self harm themselves where as boys they get angry and fight. Please don't assume where I come from.

1SillySossij · 27/05/2025 19:22

nhsmanagersanonymous · 26/05/2025 20:15

Throwing her out and informing social services is the responsible thing to do. Because otherwise for sure the op will end grappling with a baby who’s been exposed to drugs in utero, has a wastrel father and a mother who still won’t accept the consequences of her actions.
back away op. You can love her without enabling this shit show

This. And if you rescue her, you will end up caring for the baby, and it won't end there. In a couple of years she'll have another then another.
The best thing for everyone is if the baby gets adopted out ASAP

Helloworlditsmeagain · 27/05/2025 19:41

Bigcat25 · 27/05/2025 18:25

Please don't stress op out even more. I don't endorse pot while pregnant at all but I'm not sure the baby would have withdrawals on poy, nor is the limb thing high probabality. Maybe I'm wrong. I would try talking to her about risks that are backed up by scientific research, and how just bc her friends baby is ok doesn't mean her's is. ( And her friend's baby may end up with problems too.)

Edited

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The best advice is to tell op to inform SS the poster isn't lying. My partner worked in drug and alcohol. It won't be as harsh as cocaine, crack or heroin withdrawals.

Livpool · 27/05/2025 19:58

I know a woman who smoked weed during pregnancy. Her ex (the father) notified social services and it wasn’t pretty. They threatened to remove the baby once born and she had to stay in a home with other mothers with issues and had to jump through hoops.

I am condoning her at all - she was stupid and I am glad she realised what she did

Vplop · 27/05/2025 21:30

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 27/05/2025 12:38

It's almost certainly not going to be ok.

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What is wrong with you? The OP was clearly asking for some reassurance. Get a grip.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 27/05/2025 21:41

Vplop · 27/05/2025 21:30

What is wrong with you? The OP was clearly asking for some reassurance. Get a grip.

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The OP was looking for advice or at least the opportunity of airing the situation. The reality is this mess is vanishingly unlikely to end well. Going "there, there, it'll all be fine" is pointless.

Original poster

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 21:52

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 27/05/2025 21:41

The OP was looking for advice or at least the opportunity of airing the situation. The reality is this mess is vanishingly unlikely to end well. Going "there, there, it'll all be fine" is pointless.

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I agree with this, my friend has just removed all medication from my house. It’s the only way out I could see. It’s not going to be ok. I’m not ok

OP posts:

PanicPanicc · 27/05/2025 22:00

@Snowpatrolling it will get worse before it gets better, but there will be a way out. How far along is she? Is abortion even an option at this point? Because if not there’s no point in even entertaining it and it needs to move on to the next phase of tackling this.

Original poster

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 22:06

PanicPanicc · 27/05/2025 22:00

@Snowpatrolling it will get worse before it gets better, but there will be a way out. How far along is she? Is abortion even an option at this point? Because if not there’s no point in even entertaining it and it needs to move on to the next phase of tackling this.

She’s made it clear she’s keeping it. I’ve tried but I got shouted at. Dr asked and dr got told to shut up keeping it. Soooooo

OP posts:

Helloworlditsmeagain · 27/05/2025 22:10

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 21:52

I agree with this, my friend has just removed all medication from my house. It’s the only way out I could see. It’s not going to be ok. I’m not ok

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You was dealt a shitty hand. You have to persevere you have been given loads of good advice. If she doesn't want to abort the baby then aim to get her in a mother and baby unit so they can monitor her. I think they will house her or SS will I am not sure what happens after leaving the unit.

Your oldest has dominated your time for far too long hand her arse over to SS let them tell her what to do. Tell them about the drugs and how you are struggling to support her because of her mental health issues. Focus on yourself and getting your 13 year old strong. It will feel tough and a long road to walk alone it will get better eventually. Remember none of this is your fault. What ever you decide to do is the right thing to do for your eldest. She's a big woman now let her go.

PanicPanicc · 27/05/2025 22:13

@Snowpatrolling I would involve SS and then (even at home) sit her down and realistically look at:

where she intends to live
how she thinks bills work and who will be funding all of this (even mock up some bills to explain it)
who’ll be waking up to look after the baby multiple times per night
I would also calmly inform her I would be letting SS + doctors know of the weed issue (I assume they do blood tests anyway? I wasn’t pregnant in the UK)

She needs a massive reality check. Massive. It probably won’t work much because she’ll just double down, but it might help her get real. Do you have any babies in the family she can spend time with and see what it’s like?

Best case scenario, the shock might prompt her into trying to be a good parent.

PawsAndTails · 27/05/2025 22:28

Katiesaidthat · 27/05/2025 09:10

In a case like this I would´ve marched her to the gynae to get an intrauterine device. That way there is no relying on pills, you just change the thing when the time comes. It doesn´t protect from stds but neither does unprotected sex.

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You can't force someone to get a medical procedure they don't consent to and a doctor won't do it if the patient doesn't consent. Also, some people get pretty bad side effects from those things, so there's no guarantee she wouldn't just go get it removed, which a doctor would do for a patient, because consent.

LameBorzoi · 27/05/2025 22:41

Oh OP, you sound like a lovely caring person.

Some teens / young adults just want to do what they want to do, and you just have to let them.

She's angry now, but it's much better than sugar coating things. She will come around or she won't - that's up to her.

Clear boundaries are what you need now. Being very clear about what support you can offer, and what you can't. And sticking to that.

PawsAndTails · 27/05/2025 22:43

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 16:39

Well she’s rung spoke to the Drs and is now having another meltdown. The dr asked if I had any concerns and I was honest about the financial implications, that she’s going to need a lot of support as I’m juggling many balls myself.
dd has just screamed at me and told me that I’m trying to get her baby taken away, and that I’m a know it all skank.
shes had a tantrum about having to go to the local hospital and she wanted to go to one in another town, asked her how she was gonna get there for appointments.
she said she’ll figure it out as she’ll need to go to the local one closer BF so he can be there. Told her that his dad can drop him down when it’s time to give birth,
is refusing to take her meds, dr tried to tell her she needs to keep her mental health stable.
shes gone for a joint now.
she Said she needs my support, I told her she needs to stop having tantrums and grow up and deal with the situation, told her nothing I said will get her baby taken off her but her attitude will.
shes lied to the dr about the abusive relationship.
she said she doesn’t want another support, I told her I asked for it as this isn’t something I can deal with by myself. She didn’t like that answer either.
i just want to be sick.

Good for you OP. This is the reality check she needs.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 27/05/2025 22:43

Snowpatrolling · 27/05/2025 21:52

I agree with this, my friend has just removed all medication from my house. It’s the only way out I could see. It’s not going to be ok. I’m not ok

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I'm glad you have a friend with you but, please, if you're feeling like this, get yourself to the GP tomorrow morning,. You deserve help as much as your daughter.

Kibble19 · 27/05/2025 22:50

What an absolute shit show for this poor baby to enter into. Two parents who can barely function, the mother using drugs, a dog shitting in the home and mould to breathe into their tiny lungs.

Fucking appalling state of affairs. I hope social work are all over those two like a rash.

Feel for you OP, terrible position you’re in here.

LameBorzoi · 27/05/2025 23:05

You've done really well with holding your boundaries with the whole interaction above, by the way.

You are giving her support, by being there, but you are clear that this does not mean running around after her. If she wants a baby, then she needs to be an adult. This is not something that you can do for her.

This is something she's wanted for a long time. She may just step up and do it. The anger might be a good thing.

LondonFox · 28/05/2025 00:20

PanicPanicc · 27/05/2025 17:18

Please. This girl is going to make the baby everyone’s problem but hers. It’s just a shiny new thing that she decided she wanted for whatever reason, it doesn’t even have to make sense.

OP has work and has another child who is also struggling, a newborn and an extremely immature, irresponsible parent in the household is going to be like a bomb going off.

The best case scenario would be getting her her own place and helping from a distance.

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You are right.
She is a girl.
She is not legaly able to buy alcohol, drive or have a credit card, but somehow she is supposed to find out a way on her own to support a newborn.

OP is 40 and quite responsible how her daugher turned out. Best she can do is to parent a child and help out.
In ten years no one will remember sofa sleeping and eating pasta with oil and salt.
But they will stay a family.

BruFord · 28/05/2025 02:21

@LondonFox Her DD will legally be an adult in a few months, possibly before the baby’s born.

I agree that the OP can offer advice and whatever support that she’s able to, but realistically, there’s a limit to what she can do. She already has limited input in her DD’s decisions and will have even less once she’s 18. She also can’t magic money out of the air to support her DD and future grandchild.

LameBorzoi · 28/05/2025 05:47

LondonFox · 28/05/2025 00:20

You are right.
She is a girl.
She is not legaly able to buy alcohol, drive or have a credit card, but somehow she is supposed to find out a way on her own to support a newborn.

OP is 40 and quite responsible how her daugher turned out. Best she can do is to parent a child and help out.
In ten years no one will remember sofa sleeping and eating pasta with oil and salt.
But they will stay a family.

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Actually, I think the suicidal sibling will remember living on plain pasta.

If OP does not put clear boundaries in place, she will end up raising this baby - which is not fair on her younger child.

The daughter now knows what the boundaries are. Living at home with mum and have mum do all the hard bits is not an option. She is free to have a termination, put up for adoption, or raise the baby. She has that information now, while these are still options.