DS17 - don’t know what to do or where to turn

[OhFFSNigel]

DS is 17, has ADHD and ODD. At college, not working, has never managed to get a job despite applications and one interview.

In the last year we have had police involvement for him selling counterfeit goods and also for assault. Both were NFA’d by police. He has been in a number of fights including with a family member which has caused huge fall out and a family rift, he is elusive about where he goes and what he does. He generally observes curfew and college attendance is good.

He can get very angry and is scary when he is angry. The last two weeks have been hell. He ran at and raised his fist to my DH (not DS’ bio dad) in anger because DH told him to stop being rude to me. He has smashed up the spare room in a temper because I refused to give him money after the above incident. Since then I have asked him to sleep outside in the garden office as I don’t want him in the house, I want him to find somewhere else to live but he refuses to go to his Dad’s and there is nowhere else for him to go.

Yesterday when we refused to allow him in the house while we were out, and refused to give him money he destroyed the garden. Ripped plants up from the beds, tore the heads off things, threw plants at windows, upended pots, tried to saw his way into the back door handle.

I’ve phoned police this morning as he is refusing to leave the home. They won’t come, advised to ring GP!!

I also have a 1 year old and this is intolerable to live in. Any advice as to what I can / should do from here? I’m honestly at breaking point. He is quite verbally abusive too, calling me mentally unstable etc. Please help 🙁

He sounds very dangerous Op

is his father involved? How often does he see him?

Sounds more like he needs mental health support than the police, hence them suggesting the GP. Has he threatened to hurt himself? He certainly threatened to hurt your DH. I would be on the phone to the GP, social services and the police (regardless of what they say, they can get things moving faster with social services and /or mental health services) constantly until he's sectioned to be assessed.

His father is loosely involved but not generally much use tbh. He sees him every 3-4 weeks. When he was younger he’d go 2 nights a week but that has gradually tapered down over the last few years and then became much less when his dad moved 40 mins away around a year or two ago.

He hasn’t threatened to hurt himself and refuses to engage in any kind of therapy or mental health support

If he becomes homeless the local authority have a duty to house him as he is under 18. They will push back and say you 'have to ' have him at home but you do not if he is being violent.
He would have to present at the housing dept and state he is homeless, they are obliged to find emergency housing which may be a b&b but would probably try to get him in to supported accommodation if there are spaces in the area. You'd probably be contacted by a housing worker or social worker assessing his circumstances and they would try to see if it's possible for him to return home, but if you hold fast and say he cannot come back home because of violence then they would accommodate him.

I'm sure that you've tried this but what happens if you try to work with him? At the moment your post suggests it's very you against him, locking him out, making him sleep in the office etc all seem to be exacerbating an already difficult situation. Why is he so angry? Does he need helping rather than confrontation?

When is he 18?

We did try this last week although I don’t know what he said to the council as he said they didn’t have anything and they’d phone him over the next few days. They think he’s sofa surfing apparently but havent offered him a room anywhere.

He is 18 in a few weeks. He says he’s angry because he hates my partner and thinks we are being unfair on him by not giving him money. I’ve attached some examples of the texts he sends when he is mid rage. It’s very hard to compromise or chat with him when he’s like this.

We do try to talk when things are calmer but no changes ever stick. My DH gets upset as he feels like there are never any consequences for DS, which is probably true really. But we just can carry on like this. Since he’s been staying outside of the house, the air just feels lighter in the house, we’re not all walking on eggshells around him 🙁

Once he is 18 does his behaviour constitute domestic abuse? If so, you could have him removed from the house.

That’s what I’ve tried to do this morning but the police have told me to phone the GP

It maybe worth a call to Womens Aid, they will have seen this before or may know an organisation that can help.

Found this site
https://www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/child-to-parent-violence-cpv/

Those messages are appalling and would frighten me too. Would absolutely not want him in the property or near me or younger child.
Please ignore any 'poor him' rubbish!

Hi OP,

ih it sounds really difficult for all of you. Particularly with his age, as services involvement will change over the coming weeks. It sounds like the people you’ve spoken to don’t know who the right service is- right now it’s social services. You need to call them and say you have serious safeguarding concerns (possibly alongside clllege too if you report to them they will have a duty to report). Regardless of whether he will access therapy or support we would actually usually be hoping the parents would access support as opposed to the young person. How you respond and react to him is as important (if not more) than how he is behaving. I can see in your texts that your fighting fire with fire and responding back with sanctions /coming down hard Is clearly escalating things right now. I think you and your husband need to attend something called an NVR group alongside additional support from social care with a view that your son will need supported living when he turns 18 in a few weeks. I actually think police involvement is likely to be very inflammatory for him so the social care route is going to be better.

Non molestation order? What he did to the garden is criminal damage, and you have written evidence that it was intentional.

I’d try again and be very firm! You’ve obviously got a really shit police officer as they should be attending for this! Taking the family stuff out of it, dictate to the police that an adult male is destroying your property and garden and you want him removed.

I would call your GP surgery, the police and social services and ask who they can recommend to help you
Obviously his behaviour is far from normal/usual behaviour for a 17 year old & you need professional help.

His messages read almost gleeful & he clearly has anger issues, you need professional help to sort this before it escalates further

I agree with this. Fighting fire with fire isn’t working. He feels unwanted and unloved.
I understand you don’t want to (and shouldn’t) reward bad behaviour but could you state you will give him money when he does ‘x’. Something that is quickly achievable, not good behaviour for a month as he won’t manage that. Over time he should manage his behaviour better as he sees the rewards for doing well.
Would you be willing to reward him for good attendance at college to head off bad behaviour when he has no money?
You are expending a lot of energy with negative interactions and you will feel better if they can be avoided.
Please try every day to find at least one nice thing to say to him; even complimenting him on his clothing that day or thanking him for good manners, taking his dirty pots to kitchen etc.
Remember his brain is wired a little differently to yours and he is feeling rejected; possibly by his dad too. Dad needs to step up too, not as a Disney dad but supporting your efforts.

When did he start to become aggressive? Was it around the time you got together with new partner/when he moved in or when your 1yo arrived?

Why doesn’t he like your partner, has he said?

From his perspective: His bio dad has gradually stopped seeing him and now moved away. You have got a new partner, new baby. You want him to leave even though he has nowhere to go. You’ve told him to sleep in the garden room not the house. You won’t let him be in the house when he’s alone, but he’s got nowhere else to go. (Yes I appreciate you have reasons for this). He has tried to get jobs but can’t.

How do you think he feels?

He’s 17 not 10! She should compliment the almost grown man who is trashing her house and garden? Who is threatening her? Who probably has six inches and three stone on her? What is that teaching him other than that behaving like this towards women gets you compliments and gentleness? If he feels rejected that’s sad but real life simply isn’t like this, if he trashed his college tutors office because she pissed him off he would be arrested! No wonder young people are so unprepared for life!

Try telling him what you need from him e.g. I will not let you back in the house, you did too much damage. If you continue in this way you will be spending some of your life in prison, you need to work with us to make changes.

if you want any money you must attend anger management support / take medication - whatever you can put in place to try and help. Progress will be rewarded with....

Punishment hasnt worked, you need to try more rewards.

@caramac04 has got good advice here. As a mother to a teenager with ADHD I’ve learnt you get better responses this way than fighting

But he’s not your average teenager/young adult.
Punishment and rejection aren’t working.
Modelling good behaviour is more productive.
I have worked with young people displaying this behaviour and I know a positive approach allows the young person to achieve and behave better.
Why exhaust yourself arguing an impossible argument?
OP’s son likely feels rejected and this close to independent living age is probably terrified of how he will cope in the real world when mum kicks him out and dad isn’t interested. He isn’t able to voice his fears in a reasonable way and is rejecting before he is rejected in order to feel some element of control.

Rubbish. This level of mollycoddling and 'oh your violent and aggressive actions must of course be someone else's fault'....
So are all 17yos who smash things up, are threatening to people poor wee lambs who just need hugs and rainbows?!

He’s not typical though is he? He has ADHD and ODD. Telling him he can’t have this, shouldn’t do that etc will not work and that is not his fault nor that of his parents.
If he were in a wheelchair would you insist he walked?
His conditions absolutely affect his behaviour and in order to have reasonable behaviour from him requires a different approach. It is exhausting for those around him but by employing the right strategies he can learn better self- regulation.