DS17 - don’t know what to do or where to turn

[OhFFSNigel]

DS is 17, has ADHD and ODD. At college, not working, has never managed to get a job despite applications and one interview.

In the last year we have had police involvement for him selling counterfeit goods and also for assault. Both were NFA’d by police. He has been in a number of fights including with a family member which has caused huge fall out and a family rift, he is elusive about where he goes and what he does. He generally observes curfew and college attendance is good.

He can get very angry and is scary when he is angry. The last two weeks have been hell. He ran at and raised his fist to my DH (not DS’ bio dad) in anger because DH told him to stop being rude to me. He has smashed up the spare room in a temper because I refused to give him money after the above incident. Since then I have asked him to sleep outside in the garden office as I don’t want him in the house, I want him to find somewhere else to live but he refuses to go to his Dad’s and there is nowhere else for him to go.

Yesterday when we refused to allow him in the house while we were out, and refused to give him money he destroyed the garden. Ripped plants up from the beds, tore the heads off things, threw plants at windows, upended pots, tried to saw his way into the back door handle.

I’ve phoned police this morning as he is refusing to leave the home. They won’t come, advised to ring GP!!

I also have a 1 year old and this is intolerable to live in. Any advice as to what I can / should do from here? I’m honestly at breaking point. He is quite verbally abusive too, calling me mentally unstable etc. Please help 🙁

Ripped plants up from the beds, tore the heads off things, threw plants at windows, upended pots, tried to saw his way into the back door handle.

@Funnytaste

He raised a fist at his step dad (so presumably no actual contact was made). Far from ideal but I think an altercation is possibly even an exaggerated description of what happened.

And again

that relentless distortion and downplaying of what the op actually says

Cool so ignore all of what was posted above where he was throwing plants at the window and trying to saw his way into the house.

Ignore most of these messages op, you’re the one having to be on high alert constantly and your family continues to be at high risk to whatever he does next. He has to engage with the health professionals . Think of yourself and your wee baby, stay safe

It does sound terrifying and exhausting, and I’m so sorry your life was like that for ten years.

This is not what happened here though. Yes this young lad is angry, but he didn’t actually touch his step father. Yes he ripped up plants but that’s not the end of the world when you consider what could happen to HIM as a homeless person.

I think this has been overblown to a degree. It’s cold outside at night, he is in the garden. Of course he is upset and must feel devastated on the inside. Even if it’s presenting as anger. The resentment and frustration is getting the better of him. But he hasn’t seriously hurt anyone and he is talking about fairness in his texts.

Something doesn’t feel fair to him? He sounds like he has been pushed to the limit by something. What is being done to find out what that is?

Why not try a different way? What does op have to lose? She is at a cross roads now, and both op and her son will have to live with the consequences.

I think your safety has to be the priority here.

He’s already been in trouble with the police for assaulting various people, including a family member. He also smashed up a room in the house - not sure you understand how terrifying that would be to witness, especially for a small child. You are massively minimising it.
OP said sleep in a garden room, not the garden itself. They tend to have heating and electricity. He’s not going to freeze to death.
Why don’t you let the OP continue to draw her boundaries to protect her young child from this boy. Maybe you can volunteer to have some violent teens staying in your own home if you are feeling community spirited.
Up to 50% of the prison population has diagnosed or suspected ND. That is a shame but I wouldn’t want to share a house with any of them, especially if I had a young child. No kid should have to witness their violent older brother threaten their dad and smash up their home.

Yes he ripped up plants but that’s not the end of the world

RTFT @Feelingmuchbetter

Also @Feelingmuchbetter your suggestions are so laughably naive that it shows you have zero clue about what the OP is dealing with. You suggested that all it takes is having a beer and a chat with this boy and maybe getting him into boxing. As if that will magically change him into a productive member of society who doesn’t terrorise his family. It reads like the script of some shitty movie. That’s not how it works. He is not minded to change and the OP has been dealing with this for years.

You have NO idea.

Op has two children, she choose to have the second child even amongst the trouble and chaos of her ND teen. As an adult she made the choice and has to take responsibility!

You can’t just drop all of your parenting responsibilities to one child just because you have another one. They both need to be cared for, looked after and have their needs met. It might not be a coincidence that her son’s behaviour has deteriorated so drastically when the new baby arrived, and has continued ever since. His father has also dropped him. He is no one’s priority.

We are only hearing one side of the story. We can’t hear the pain and suffering of the teen in the middle of this clearly struggling to cope.

I would start with the GP, as a minimum they can put him on some medication op. Bring him back inside when he has calmed down. You are on the same side, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Good luck

I have a son the same age and when me and his dad split, he took out his unhappiness on me which was anger as he didn’t know how to express how he was feeling, some days I’d come home home from work and he’d have a melt down, he smashed his fist threw a glass mirror , looking back now it was traumatic, his dad wouldn’t help I’d have to go back out and go for a drive until he calmed down, I got him some help via school with calms and he had a counsellor for a few months, this helped as he had someone who had no part in anything to talk to, it’s by no way been an easy ride , but slowly we got there but it took a hell if a lot of patience and tears to get through it, I know it seems impossible but you have to at least try, I think some boys just don’t know how to express how they feel and it comes out like this, no excuse I know , but as his mum , you have to try something or you’ll blame yourself if you don’t, I wish you the very best of luck with this x

I’m surprised the police don’t think you are at risk.

He’s also caused vandalism in your home and garden, which is criminal damage.

You need safeguarding.

Are you aware that adults can have social workers to help them through this. He may have to be removed from your home.

My huge sympathies, this must be so difficult all-round.

But here is one positive. He IS attending college.

This is so important for him, his self worth and his future.

Whatever happens, keep him going to college.

Is he medicated if not medicate