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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS17 - don’t know what to do or where to turn

142 replies

OhFFSNigel · 28/04/2025 08:16

DS is 17, has ADHD and ODD. At college, not working, has never managed to get a job despite applications and one interview.

In the last year we have had police involvement for him selling counterfeit goods and also for assault. Both were NFA’d by police. He has been in a number of fights including with a family member which has caused huge fall out and a family rift, he is elusive about where he goes and what he does. He generally observes curfew and college attendance is good.

He can get very angry and is scary when he is angry. The last two weeks have been hell. He ran at and raised his fist to my DH (not DS’ bio dad) in anger because DH told him to stop being rude to me. He has smashed up the spare room in a temper because I refused to give him money after the above incident. Since then I have asked him to sleep outside in the garden office as I don’t want him in the house, I want him to find somewhere else to live but he refuses to go to his Dad’s and there is nowhere else for him to go.

Yesterday when we refused to allow him in the house while we were out, and refused to give him money he destroyed the garden. Ripped plants up from the beds, tore the heads off things, threw plants at windows, upended pots, tried to saw his way into the back door handle.

I’ve phoned police this morning as he is refusing to leave the home. They won’t come, advised to ring GP!!

I also have a 1 year old and this is intolerable to live in. Any advice as to what I can / should do from here? I’m honestly at breaking point. He is quite verbally abusive too, calling me mentally unstable etc. Please help 🙁

OP posts:
Thelasttea · 29/04/2025 10:04

The message exchange is terrifying op

he sounds very dangerous

somewherebeyond · 29/04/2025 10:07

Ring the Police back and tell them he has damaged your garden. This is a criminal offence. They can’t just not come.

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 10:27

Sounds like a very difficult situation.

The posters talking about getting him sectioned haven't a clue what they're talking about. It's almost impossible to get urgent support for people who are a serious risk to themselves or others, never mind someone damaging a garden.

It's really sad that he's been violent. However, ime this kind of conflict between teen boys and father figures is not uncommon at all.

From his perspective, he has a new stepdad who is trying to lay down the law. He has been kicked out of his own house and his mother wants him gone. He has no money to do anything. His bio dad isn't really interested.

In my view, what is needed here is support and reconciliation rather than punishment or you are both going to end up with very serious problems. You need to start by letting him move back in to the house.

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 10:28

@somewherebeyond

The police don't have capacity to respond to burglaries or thefts. So you really think they are going to prioritise a teenager damaging his own garden?

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 10:55

I have an ND teen. It's not quite this level, but it feels familiar. An overwhelming sense of injustice and unfairness is pretty inherent in my situation and I see that here with your son.

Mine is Autistic ( PDA profile) and ADHD.

I feel there's more than than ADHD here with your son. I believe there's a very high chance he's Autistic, possibly PDA. ADHD is highly co morbid and what often looks like ADHD stuff is being driven by Autism. And Autism does not look like most people think. My own teen net milestones, intelligent etc.

I believe, the only option or hope of anything improving is MEDICATION.

You cannot manage this yourself. Even with the low demand approach ( recommended in these situations), you just can't have someone threatening you like that with uncontrolled anger.

He's on the road to being in prison tbh. I fear this in my own situation. I'm pushing for a medication that manages the moods and emotions. This was recommended by a private psychiatrist who specialises in Autism and ADHD.

I'd be booking to see a private psychiatrist who specialises in ND ( essential they understand ND including PDA) and I'd be looking at medication, not for the ADHD so much but for emotional regulation and a calmer mood. ( SSRIs or SNRIs are usually recommended).

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 10:57

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 10:28

@somewherebeyond

The police don't have capacity to respond to burglaries or thefts. So you really think they are going to prioritise a teenager damaging his own garden?

This is true. Neither the Police, nor CAMHS, nor the GP, will help here. There's a high risk they will gaslight mum ( OP) and talk about nonsense they don't understand because they don't understand the conditions driving the behaviour.

Sad to say that private is the only way. Hopefully a GP will pick up the long term prescriptions of medication ( I'd be saying he tries every one or he is out the house).

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:01

It’s terrifying to think of teen boys like this becoming men and having relationships and (please no) children

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:02

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 10:27

Sounds like a very difficult situation.

The posters talking about getting him sectioned haven't a clue what they're talking about. It's almost impossible to get urgent support for people who are a serious risk to themselves or others, never mind someone damaging a garden.

It's really sad that he's been violent. However, ime this kind of conflict between teen boys and father figures is not uncommon at all.

From his perspective, he has a new stepdad who is trying to lay down the law. He has been kicked out of his own house and his mother wants him gone. He has no money to do anything. His bio dad isn't really interested.

In my view, what is needed here is support and reconciliation rather than punishment or you are both going to end up with very serious problems. You need to start by letting him move back in to the house.

It's really sad that he's been violent. However, ime this kind of conflict between teen boys and father figures is not uncommon at all.

even putting aside that I fundamentally rally disagree with you on this

did you bother to read the text message exchange between this teen and his mother?

somewherebeyond · 29/04/2025 15:44

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 10:28

@somewherebeyond

The police don't have capacity to respond to burglaries or thefts. So you really think they are going to prioritise a teenager damaging his own garden?

He’s committed an offence for which he can be arrested. It’s a named offender. Having spent 30 years as a cop I’m pretty sure they’ll act.

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:48

somewherebeyond · 29/04/2025 15:44

He’s committed an offence for which he can be arrested. It’s a named offender. Having spent 30 years as a cop I’m pretty sure they’ll act.

Show quote history

Especially given In the last year we have had police involvement for him selling counterfeit goods and also for assault.

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:49

OhFFSNigel · 28/04/2025 14:01

This is such a good point that I think is often overlooked. We have had HUGE issues with school and college because only certain teachers have this approach. He simply cannot work with anyone who he doesn’t get on with.

Show quote history

But you’re his mum
and he is still a threatening aggressive hooligan to you

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:02

@somewherebeyond

I'm not convinced the police would be at all interested in a teenage boy vandalising his own garden.

I have not been in the police, but have seen from another service how difficult it is to get the police to turn up to assaults literally in progress.

They will not be interested in an incident where no damage has occurred to anyone else's property.

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:06

@Rememberthis81

In my view, the majority of teen boys will at some point have an altercation with their dad/step dad.

The text exchange is poor. However, from his perspective, his mother has welcomed in a new man who is trying to lay down the law. Meanwhile, he isn't even welcome in his own house.

I would strongly suggest most teenage boys would not react well to that, particularly when there are SEN.

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 16:07

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:06

@Rememberthis81

In my view, the majority of teen boys will at some point have an altercation with their dad/step dad.

The text exchange is poor. However, from his perspective, his mother has welcomed in a new man who is trying to lay down the law. Meanwhile, he isn't even welcome in his own house.

I would strongly suggest most teenage boys would not react well to that, particularly when there are SEN.

“At some point have an altercation”

again, did you bother to read the OP’s posts?

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 16:07

“Has welcomed in a new man”

we don’t know how long this man has been in his life

do you?

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 16:08

@SeaSwim5 do you have children? Teens?

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 16:12

The text exchange is poor.

you say poor

I say
aggressive
threatening
gleeful
and actually… quite sadistic when I reread

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:18

@Rememberthis81

Yes, an older DS now in his mid 20s and a DD and DS still at school.

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:20

@Rememberthis81

I have read the text exchange. The OP refers to her DS being 'asked to leave' his own home.

Where is a 17 year old boy going to go with no money?

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 16:25

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:06

@Rememberthis81

In my view, the majority of teen boys will at some point have an altercation with their dad/step dad.

The text exchange is poor. However, from his perspective, his mother has welcomed in a new man who is trying to lay down the law. Meanwhile, he isn't even welcome in his own house.

I would strongly suggest most teenage boys would not react well to that, particularly when there are SEN.

My dad died when I turned 13. A carousel of bellends in my home then followed soon after. This was really tough to deal with. I don't feel OP is subjecting him to this, even though it's of course really tough for the lad.

Could I threaten to smash these bellends with aggression and that be ok? Despite my trauma? No.

The lad is scary and this is dangerous. He needs to be medicated. Even if stepdad was removed and OP pandered to his every whim, I guarantee a time would return where he is displeased with her and will let her know that in a way of thinking's that is not what we'd call typical or ideal.

This is more than ADHD. This is more than being traumatised by his absent father.

It's not in OPs ability to single handedly fix this. She won't be able to. Only a decent paid for psychiatrist can suggest options that might help everyone here.

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 16:29

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:20

@Rememberthis81

I have read the text exchange. The OP refers to her DS being 'asked to leave' his own home.

Where is a 17 year old boy going to go with no money?

What would you do in this exact scenario when you also have a baby?

and I’d ask that you reread the OP’s messages and the text messages

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 16:30

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:18

@Rememberthis81

Yes, an older DS now in his mid 20s and a DD and DS still at school.

And this kind of behaviour… “not uncommon” ?

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 16:30

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:20

@Rememberthis81

I have read the text exchange. The OP refers to her DS being 'asked to leave' his own home.

Where is a 17 year old boy going to go with no money?

The Local Authority will have an obligation to deal with it.

If people don't experience individuals who behave this way,it's hard to understand. OP is on some level scared of him, guaranteed. His behaviour is terrorising. It's going to escalate without some change so OP has to cover all unpleasant eventualities.

His way of communicating is akin to a sociopath. It could be a number of things and not necessarily that, but this is not ADHD I'm sure of that. It's more, on top of ADHD that's already diagnosed.

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:31

@Funnytaste

It is not uncommon at all for teenage boys to have altercations with the father figures in their lives.

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 16:32

SeaSwim5 · 29/04/2025 16:31

@Funnytaste

It is not uncommon at all for teenage boys to have altercations with the father figures in their lives.

You regard this as an “altercation”

ie a one off ?

and this isn’t just the step father

are you actually reading the op and follow up posts?