DS17 - don’t know what to do or where to turn

[OhFFSNigel]

DS is 17, has ADHD and ODD. At college, not working, has never managed to get a job despite applications and one interview.

In the last year we have had police involvement for him selling counterfeit goods and also for assault. Both were NFA’d by police. He has been in a number of fights including with a family member which has caused huge fall out and a family rift, he is elusive about where he goes and what he does. He generally observes curfew and college attendance is good.

He can get very angry and is scary when he is angry. The last two weeks have been hell. He ran at and raised his fist to my DH (not DS’ bio dad) in anger because DH told him to stop being rude to me. He has smashed up the spare room in a temper because I refused to give him money after the above incident. Since then I have asked him to sleep outside in the garden office as I don’t want him in the house, I want him to find somewhere else to live but he refuses to go to his Dad’s and there is nowhere else for him to go.

Yesterday when we refused to allow him in the house while we were out, and refused to give him money he destroyed the garden. Ripped plants up from the beds, tore the heads off things, threw plants at windows, upended pots, tried to saw his way into the back door handle.

I’ve phoned police this morning as he is refusing to leave the home. They won’t come, advised to ring GP!!

I also have a 1 year old and this is intolerable to live in. Any advice as to what I can / should do from here? I’m honestly at breaking point. He is quite verbally abusive too, calling me mentally unstable etc. Please help 🙁

Thank you google

you have completely ignored my other post of all the cherry picking assumptions you have made

Is this a pisstake?

In a perfect world, op, the school, and a team of professionals, would have spent the last 17 years teaching this young man helpful ways to deal with his issues. That didn’t happen and here we are.

op, I think you should try calling social services. You may get lucky and they are able to help get your family to the right services.

you know taking a hardline with him like this and literally leaving him homeless is triggering him in the worst possible way. I’m not excusing his behavior. Just acknowledging that he is in the worst case scenario here, no where to stay and no money. Anyone is going to be terrified. A person with ODD and no tools to manage their emotions is going to struggle to save himself.

I’d get him as far away from my house as possible. Those messages make him sound sociopathic and very dangerous. You have a young child. He hates you all, not just your DP. He’s nearly 18 and I’d not stand for violence like this.
Having ODD won’t stop him being convicted of crimes and id bet quite a bit of money on him having a criminal record in a few years time.

@Finallydoingit24

I'd bet more money on him having a criminal record if he ends up in a homeless shelter or on the street as the OP wants!

Well I’d not compromise the safety of my youngest for this almost adult. I’d say with his behaviour he’s pretty much screwed every way. Any improvement can only come from him wanting to turn things around. Maybe hitting rock bottom will do that for him but I wouldn’t have him back.

You're really minimising the impact and risk of this type of behaviour.

I believe you're correct ref the odds if he's out on his ear. But should mum be subject to a child/ parent abuse situation which will possibly/ probably escalate with no intervention.

His messages do sound sociopathic. He sounds sociopathic. It may not be that, but it feels that way to me tbh. He can be all neurotypes and be sociopathic at the same time. So we can empathise and understand but ignoring the risk is a bit scary.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup

Do you not think the way the OP and her DH have treated his behaviour has contributed to it escalating though?

In what way? What have they done?

Do you mean because they didn’t give in to his demands?

No I don't believe OP could have single handedly done anything more based simply on the information we have here.

His behaviour is scary and terrorising. He's certainly not getting the appropriate support for his needs. But what can OP do. He won't engage, the psychiatrist services are non existent, there's more than ADHD here but who will help figure that out? The NHS, I guarantee, will not.

The only thing OP can really do is see if she can make him engage with a private psychiatrist that she finds. One who is fully abreast of Neurodivergent types. The only other thing I see is room for OP to realise that getting a job and holding down a typical job is clear way too much for him and that level of pressure needs to be re thought. That alone I feel is unfair on him. Because I believe he cannot do that more than not wanting to. He needs support to do what he can.

OP must protect herself and her other child.

You'll have to point out what she has done wrong.

Unless you are being terrorised by your own child,no one would understand what it's like for OP and why she wants him away from her.

I feel sad for the child that was Axel Radukibana. He still was and is scary and dangerous.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I don't usually jump to trying to medicate, but my first thought on reading your OP and those messages was of a family member with both ADHD and schizophrenia who was unable to regulate any emotions. He'd displayed a lot of the behaviour, as a child, that you're describing in your son, and it was exacerbated by consistent cannabis use and eventually, class As. He certainly needed medication in order for his brain to function with any kind of rationale or order at all. Wishing you all the very best x

A sizeable proportion of the jail population is neurodivergent but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t dangerous or that their family members should have to put up with their violence.

I think the issue with @SeaSwim5 is she hasn’t actually bothered to take the time to read more carefully the op and follow up posts

bizarre speculation
and distorting info the op gives

It sounds to me like he feels rejected by everyone and is hurting very much - which is presenting as anger.

His father had abandoned him
You have made a new family and have made him sleep outside like a dog. It’s deeply humiliating.

In your place I would be throwing everything at this - take him away for a few nights just the two of you - and buy him a beer and talk to him. Tell him how much you love him - and ask him to consider an anger management course. Pay for him to join the local boxing club where his aggression can have an outlet. Ask him what has gone wrong and ask him how you can help.

Even if this doesn’t work, you can say you did your best. He needs serious one to one time with you op, whether he can verbalise it or not.

Does he have gps?
Other family?

He is very likely to fall in to the criminal underworld if he is thrown out now. This is a stage like any other, and I urge to try and understand why he feels like this, rather than judging the behaviour.

www.youngminds.org.uk/professional/resources/helping-a-young-person-manage-anger/

What rubbish and so incredibly naive. She asked him to sleep in the garden office after he vandalised her home when she wouldn’t give him the money he demanded. You are massively twisting it.

And buy him a beer and ask him to do an anger management course. Do you think this is a Hollywood movie where he will break down and hug her and all will be fine? Unlikely - this is a violent young man who takes pleasure in hurting people.

@Feelingmuchbetter you're minimising this way too much and like others you're twisting events. His behaviour, at his age, is in the realms of abuse now. So OP did a pretty reasoned and appropriate thing by having him out the house.

I've told my own teen he must go in the garden until he's calm. As much as that's treating him like a dog, it's so much to deal with every single day.

People have no clue unless they live this. His anger is not because OP didn't do everything she could.

I have teens and young adults, and they will continue to escalate. This young man has lost everyone, don’t you see? Why wouldn’t he be angry?

Dehumanising him won’t help. Taking some personal responsibility regarding your own parenting, acknowledging his feelings around his father’s rejection. Looking at the world through HIS lens will be far more productive than hurling insults and throwing him out.

And what about the poor toddler who has to live with their violent brother who smashes the house up if he doesn’t get what he demands? As well as the poor adults who are on the receiving end of quite frankly disturbing and evil behaviour.
Nah man if you want to be a do-gooder and look deep into the soul of violent thugs, be my guest. He would probably punch you in the face while you did it.
Do you really not think this mum has tried? There comes a limit and this is it. Actions have consequences.

Also there are millions of children who don’t have a lot of contact with their fathers - many of whom have actually been abandoned by them (this boy has not but dad understandably doesn’t want him living there either). The vast vast majority don’t vandalise their mums house, threaten violence and send sadistic messages to her about it. It’s such a cop out to let him off the hook because he’s apparently had it a bit tough. So have lots of people - deal with it. There are children in schools in this country who have watched their entire family be killed in war and have had to flee their home country.

His desperation for money and his anger could be an indicator of county lines. Is he in over his head in something that has got too big for him to handle? I would expect him to lash out as the consequences could be severe. Check his phones and gadgets, have you checked his room for drugs etc? He could be on drugs. It is possible to get help with that too.

Does he have a trusted relative or close friend that could speak to him?

@Pleaseshutthefuckup

I don't think anyone is minimising anything. What is clear is that the DS has a medical condition.

The OP and her DH's current approach of locking him out of the house and telling him to leave is going to result in him dropping out of education and probably ending up in prison or worse.

Yes that’s my view. Of course it’s very far from ideal but the alternative might be much worse.

And what about the one year old child living in this mess? Should they just put up with that? Violence and vandalism in their home?

You described him as just pulling up some plants

when actually it was throwing and kicking plants at the window, attempted to break the door lock with a saw, and pulling up plants.

you describe it as an “altercation between DS and his stepdad” when clearly it’s so much more than that AND involves the OP (if you’ve bothered to read the threatening gleeful messages)

oh and multiple fights with family members and police involvement