Do I let my 14yo daughters boyfriend come on holiday with us?

[peachie82]

My daughter is 14 and has a boyfriend of 4 months although they have been friends longer . He’s a nice lad and they seem to get along very well. They spend a lot of time together either just the two of them or with their wider friends groups.

at May half term we usually go to a caravan park at the coast for a few nights. She’s asked if he can come this time. The caravan has three bedrooms so he would have his own room but it’s right next to what would be her room. I feel they are at the stage where things might happen, certainly if it was up to him. She does seem very comfortable with him and so far he seems to have been respectful and takes things at her pace, but I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything.

i just want people’s options about if you think we should take him with us or if you think it’s a bad idea. She loves the idea of them having a little holiday together and they are old enough to go off for walks etc together as it’s a very small and safe place, beach, arcades, shops, places to get food etc.

I haven’t asked his mum yet, she might say no anyway.

No way would I ask a 14 year old boyfriend to a family holiday. He’s 14! She’s 14!! She should be having fun with girls her own age not playing at being an adult. Reading between the lines you’re looking for someone to entertain her while you’re on holiday because she’s an only child. Just get her to bring a friend not a boyfriend. She’s way too young to have a boyfriend on her family holiday. She probably likes the idea of it but the reality would be very different. Do you really want someone. Who’s likely to be going out with someone else in a fortnight on your family holiday?

No way, she's only 14 why would you encourage her to be having a serious relationship at this age

Honestly op, at this rate most of these people would have a stroke that when me and my husband were just starting to go out,( we had just turned 17) he came on a family mission to clear my grandads flat and get it ready for the council in another country. We all made lifelong memories that we still laugh at to this day. My parents were so thankful for his help. We’ve been together 15 years, married 9 with 2 fabulous kids. It was our first little adventure together. I’m with you on this one id think they would be safer with you guys than hanging around towns.

Me saying absolutely not has nothing to do with them potentially having sex. It's about not encouraging a 14 year old to have a serious relationship when they are children no matter how 'mature' they may seem to be.

Him coming over for dinner, them hanging out with a group of friends etc is enough for children of that age without encouraging anything more.

I’m also saying no. I’d want to use the time to bond as a family without a random boy there. It’s been 4 months. Help her use her energies having time with her family. Plenty of time for boys when she’s matured.

17 is almost an adult.
14 is barely a teenager.

Huge difference. I'd consider it at 17-18 but 14? No way.

Actually most people have said it’s not so much sex they’re concerned about, but putting a 14yo into a situation that she’s too immature to handle. They’ve never even spent a night together under the same roof yet (rightly so!) so why is she being encouraged to have three nights away with him?

We know you've said it enough times - my point remains, why would you even think to report this? You are implying that the OP shouldn't consider this as some teacher may report her for a safeguarding failure - it isn't a safeguarding failure and you are suggesting a massive over reach by the school in scaring OP and others into submission with the threat of reporting as such.

Yeah I’m quite surprised at the amount of people who think it’s a terrible idea but I can see some of the points, I wasn’t sure 100% myself hence me asking here. My friends seemed to think it was fine but I guess they know him and her personally. The bit I’m finding it hard to agree with is the comments about intensity and adultifying her like I’m pushing it on her when it was her who quite innocently asked if he could come, simply as she likes to spend time with him and he’s easy to get on with. Perhaps when I was the mum of a primary age child I would have been more against this but teenagers I feel need to have some space to make their own choices, with parents helping them to navigate things of course. Which is what we are doing.

Can you really not see the difference between the maturity levels of a 14 year old vs a 17yo?

We do that too, we are going abroad in August for a week just us three so plenty of family time planned too.

There is an enormous difference between 14 and 17. You cant even compare

How old is the boyfriend? I might take another 14 year old but not if he is, say, 16 or 18. I wouldnt be happy with a 14 year old having a boyfriend but I'd rather get to know him well.

This tho happy work a friend known less time /met at secondary

def not a 4mth bf when 14

They are not ‘spending the night together.’ And technically, if that’s what you think sleeping in the same building means, then they already have on a school trip where i know the level of supervision wasn’t as high as what it will be when I’m there. That’s why im struggling to see a major difference really

Absolutely not. She is a 14 year old child and by taking the "boyfriend" on holiday rather than a female friend, you are moving her boyfriend from the casual, someone to hang out with and have a snog with into the serious relationship category which is entirely inappropriate, aged FOURTEEN.

He’s the same age, same school year (year 10). She is 15 in June and so is he.

OP I think it’s fine, from my experience with a just-15yo DS (at the time) and his lovely girlfriend last year. She’s an ex now, of course, because these early relationships don’t last, but they were best friends for a year or two as much as boyfriend and girlfriend, and just wanted to hang out together. Me and her mum talked through our ‘rules’ and were on the same page - I obviously respected that she was the mother of the potentially more vulnerable party, so was led by her. So see what the boy’s mum thinks. A caravan for three days with you doesn’t sound particularly risky, although be prepared for your ‘no sleepovers’ rule to be challenged afterwards because bringing him along on a family minibreak kind of overturns this.

Then why not let him have sleepovers at yours? He can sleep on the sofa or you can buy a fold up bed for him.

Because there is no need to as he lives round the corner so can go home. On a little holiday he would have to sleep in the same caravan.

He doesn’t have to - it’s half an hour away from home so he can get a lift back with someone.

There's no need for him to go on holiday either. It's the same thing really.

If you really can’t see the difference between a school trip with 100+ teenagers and teachers, and the two of them in a relationship spending a holiday together, then I honestly don’t know what else to say.

Well i don’t drive so I can’t take him but he parents could if that was an option.

I work with teenagers and yes this would definitely have to be reported as a serious safeguarding concern. It would be until both children are 16.