Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

Wow….yeah you crazy

I don't have a compatible phone but my 4 adult kids all have iPhone and can see each other location. It has been very useful at times but only where one has contacted me saying they are lost on a night out or separated from friends then I have asked siblings for help.
The one really serious incident it didn't help as my daughters phone was in her BF pocket. Rather than tracking it would be better to stress the importance of always having phone fully charged and safely on their person at all times so if they are in trouble they can always contact you.

I think that's the same thing. If you can see where he is whenever you want to, then it's tracking. I hope I'm never in a relationship where this is a requirement.

Is this a reverse because my peers are old enough to have 18 year olds and never once has any of them ever used the acronym 'ykyk'.

If this is not a reverse then calm down with the unreasonable controlling behaviour OP, or you run a very large risk of him never telling you anything ever again, ykyk?

Pimps would agree with you too.

Everyone's having a go at the OP, but the truth is that there is a crazy amount of tracking going on here among family members. Lots are saying they can log in and see where the person is at any time but they don't. So they have tracking.

I grew up before this and the very idea gives me the shivers. I wouldn't want my parents knowing that I spent five hours in Marks and Spencers or skipped my dance class to hang out at Kate's or spent my free period snogging my boyfriend on the Downs. When I was 17 my boyfriend had a car and we used to sneak off to all manner of quiet places. Absolute horrors to think my parents could have tracked me.

I think this could be a reverse.

I always think when someone starts a thread and doesn't hang about to reply to posters.

I don't track my dc, but they all have some kind of 'Find my Location' which friends of theirs have. If ever they genuinely went missing, then I (or police) could ask their nominated friend where they were (or at least where their phone is).
In the 15 years since the eldest started going out and about on his own, I've never used it for any of them. I think it is a bit of an odd relationship if you were constantly looking to see where they were.

My parents never knew where I was from age 14. Would you expect to monitor his movements if he was at uni?

At what age do you think you'll stop asking him for this information? Do you have a cut-off point? I assume you're not going to be still asking him when he's in his mid-20s.....will you? How about his 40s?

If I asked my 18 yo to let me know where he is going all the time he would tell me 'Mum, findmy exists'. He has no privacy concerns and is happy for me to see his location at all times, but would be very unimpressed at having to keep actively letting me know.

Same for my 15yo tbh...

No they can't just turn it off. Not if they have one of these control freaks for a parent who will give them hell for turning it off, quizing them endlessly as to why they did, keeping going on and on and on until the adult child gives them the information they want - about where they've been, who with, activity, timescales etc - and no doubt demanded an explanation of why they didn't want to give this information to the stalker (not wanting to won't be accepted as a valid reason) and extracted an apology for having turned off the tracker and "caused worry/been disrespectful" (they haven't done these things) to the stalker because "didn't they know it's only for their own good?". Control dressed up as concern.

That's how coercive control works. Make it easier for the victim to do whatever the controlling one wants. whilst making it hard for them to stand up for themselves. It's insideous and when someone has grown up with it, it may well not even occur to them that turning off the tracker is an option at all. It's never felt like an option because the consequences of doing so, or trying to have any scrap of privacy at all, are long ingrained and the victim is already brainwashed into believing that they have to negotiate with the stalker to convince/persuade them to "allow" the victim not to be tracked. By this stage the victim doesn't even truly understand what their basic rights are in life, otherwise they wouldn't be trying to negotiate to be able to have them! They'd realise they automatically have them and all they have to do is cut loose from controlling people.

Like the OPs DS, he's trying to explain to her why she's wrong and convince her he's right. What he'd do if he was a truly healthy individual with a solid understanding of boundaries is he'd simply refuse to be tracked and move out ASAP, get a second phone so she is only tracking the stationary phone etc and not feel guilty about it. But he's not a healthy individual with a solid understanding of boundaries because he's been brought up by a control freak. So he's wasting his time having rows where he's trying to convince her not to control him.

Even her comments of "if you want to take your scary date to a graveyard blah blah" is coercion. It's insinuating he's stupid to do that which is belittling him and designed to knock his confidence, it's insulting his date and casting aspersions on their character, it's also making it clear the stalker doesn't want him to go to that place or do that activity. At this point he already knows he'll get hassle for not doing what the stalker wants. Before he even does anything he's being told he's disrespectful (he isn't) if he doesn't comply with the stalkers terms and he's been threatened with future consequences (the stalker "won't let him" go out (illegal - false imprisonment if it's physical prevention, coercive control if it's mind games to achieve it) if he doesn't comply). So words like these start to affect the son's behaviour and where he "chooses" to go and who with (it's not choice, it's being controlled) based on whether or not he can be arsed dealing with the consequences.

Can you not just have a location tracker on all your phones?

He's being so patient with you, I think a lot of 18 year olds would have reached the end of their tether by now. I remember when I was 16/17 a few parents being on the protective side (pre mobiles) but nothing like that! He absolutely has no obligation to tell you where he is or give you updates.

Exactly this. It's just weird and it absolutely doesn't keep anyone "safe".
All it does, actually, is tell you where someone's phone is, so it's pointless as well!

This is insane. He is an ADULT!

If he's abroad travelling, then a quick text so you know what country or region he is in would be nice to put your mind at ease.
If he's at home, letting you know if he's not coming home so you don't worry would be my expectation.

Being like this is likely to make him lie or drive him away completely. I think I'd try and foster a relationship where he WANTS to tell you what he's up to rather than bullied into it.

Honestly, I need to add more...he's going to push you away and I can see him going no contact when he's older if you don't start treating him with respect and stop helicopter parenting an ADULT!!! If he lives with you I imagine he's trying to find his way out the door already, I would be!!

YABU.
But, don't worry, when your adult child enters their forties, everything will click together.

He's right, you are being controlling.

Where you are in the wrong is you are insisting that he share his plans & location in real time or you won’t allow him to go out. You have no right to not allow an adult to go out. This only works if he is freely consenting to sharing his plans if he shares your concern for safety.

In addition, you are being emotionally abusive by saying if he doesn’t consent to this, then he isn’t mature and he isn’t respecting you.

You can be a mature adult who respects their mum and not consent to sharing your plans and location in real time.

You’re way toooo much and you’ll push him away and regret this. He’s an adult you need to stop and you need to find a life for yourself.

If this is real, I don't think the OP is coming back!

Mobile tracking:

If both parties want it and both are adults, fine.

Letting people know where you are/what you're doing:

Generally unecessary with the exception of:

I won't be home/will be home - at x time/in time for dinner
I am doing x beyond normally dangerous thing and expect to be done at x time.

I come from a family of climbers/cavers/explorers, it is standard to inform someone (not necessarily a parent but a responsible adult of some sort) of plans to do something high risk and expected return. Well it is if you want to be rescued in good time anyway.

So I would inform someone that I am going up Helvellyn and expected back at x or exploring a perilous mine shaft, expected out at x.

I would not inform anyone I am popping to a friends, Morrisons, pub.

The level of contact and reporting you seem to require appears a little much.

I agree with this.

When our DS is at home he comes and goes as he pleases. He doesn't eat many meals with as he likes to do his own food. Mainly steak & eggs when he's hard at the gym.

If he's abroad travelling though we usually do Life360 as its good to know what Country he is in. He's 18 so only just an adult but it's up to him if he chooses to be on it.

It was him who put me and my DH on it. I'd never heard of it. We do speak a lot and he speaks to his older siblings a lot too. As I said before I don't look at it a lot.