Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

I have a satellite tracker on mine - but only when he is out climbing & wild camping :-)

Oh here we go.

You were the one who said people were weird for tracking family members even if it was for safety reasons and not doing it all the time.

Is he still in school?
Even if so it sounds really odd. Surely the odd text sad sticking to his word would suffice?
I'm quite old do have never tracked anyone- are we supposed to these days???

"if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out."

Oh, mate! He's an adult. You're the one showing disrespect, by not allowing your adult son a life without you tracking his movements.

I'm from a generation not only before mobile phones, but my parents were so working class they didn't even get a phone installed until I was 21. I went off to university aged 18 (on the train, there was no parent chauffeur service for any of us in the late 1970s) and they had no idea what I was doing from one term to the next.

What's with the emergency? If have an emergency, you need to know where he is? Why? If there is an emergency, such as someone has put the garden fork through their foot and needs to go to A& E (not making this up) you could text him or call him. You don't need to know where he is when he takes the call.

You twist everything and your stance changes when your weird controlling behavior is challenged, your posts are so manipulative. No wonder your 18 year old DS has agreed to a tracker but decided to turn it off!

Honestly op...I would probably be considered a helicopter parent by some but he's an adult... telling you when he changes location?! Wtf. I can't imagine 18 year old me constantly having to send updates when I went somewhere...this is really ott

He rang me yesterday about a holiday we are booking together. His suggestion.

He's not travelling at the moment.

How does it keep you 'safe' though.

If one of your kids has an accident or is attacked to the degree they can't use a phone to call for help what are the chances you are going to instantly notice and call the police out. It would also only be useful if they were completely on their own and there was no one else to help.

Basically it's never going to help 'keep them self'. It might stop you worrying but that's all.

Respect is “ mom I’m heading out (if he wants to say with whom great), will be back at 10pm” plans change, “fyi mum I will be back later, but before midnight” Done.

Yes it’s nice to know your adult child is safe but not every detail. Maybe if he decided to head to another city it would be a nice heads up but he shouldn’t have to tell you.

I know we live in a different world to when I grew up, but we have to loosen the reins at some point.

This makes sense though. One of mine was on a solitary cycling trip and they checked in every day, common sense really.

This is insane. You want him to tell you when he's going from place to place while he's out, and if doesn't, he can't go out? In a romantic relationship that would be coercive control.

In his shoes I would be leaving home asap and I wouldn't be back except for short visits!

Hi @AmusedGreenPanda
its so difficult and a dilemma when tech is available and you feel a bit worried.
i am on snap maps with my daughter.
when she’s at Uni I don’t look at them too much.
when she’s home and out and it’s getting late - I get more worried and cross check snap.
sometimes she does message me and let me know she’s going to someone’s house but I don’t ask her to do this.
Snap maps is good as you can turn them off if he wants to be private. Hope you work it out.

I'm 50 and tracking is alien to me. I do hope this isn't part of a committed relationship these days - I would feel so controlled, but it seems that couples often do track each other these days. 🫨

I can see the use for children, but that's it.

I have DS1 19, I would never ask him to keep me updated on where he is when he isn’t home. But we do have ‘find my iPhone’ connected to each others phone, so I can always see where he is if I’m worried atall, and vice versa, for safety reasons. He was happy to do this.

Wow

I would hate that and I am sure my now grown kids would have hated it too

My son is 17 and travels all over London on the tube and train, he would be texting me all day if we had that system set up. I ask him to give me a rough idea when he goes out just so that I know should anything happen. Even if I insisted on tracking on his phone he’d probably just disable it.

I know I've posted this already but - "if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out", though! I genuinely cannot get my breath at this!

The trouble I would have got into if my parents could have tracked my movements at 17-plus! Going up onto the Downs for car sex when I was supposed to be at a friend's, LMAO! Or later, at a hotel, 😂😂😂 I'm so glad I was brought up with no internet and no social media and no phones. Gen X was the last free generation.

Mine and my mums relationship went massively down hill when I turned 18 she still wanted to treat me like a kid and I wasn't having it. I'm 30 now and I still have a weird relationship with her. We aren't close at alll

Quite

I was that age way back in 1983 so no mobiles anyway but, as long as my parents knew if I was staying out, and where (friends from work usually)all was fine.. I would ring the landline if it was planned later that I would stay over somewhere, sometimes using the old reverse call I think it was called ..

I mean, that's tracking him, isn't it?

All of my lot are on a tracker app - one travels extensively, one works very late and likes the fact someone is watching out for her, one is lazy and can’t be bothered to text to give updates on whether coming home or not 😂all by choice and just keeps us in touch as a family. I never ask questions about where they are just will check home safe if necessary. My parents would never have known where I was but I think it’s just an added communication piece these days but absolutely not for micromanagement and if ever anyone was uncomfortable it would stop - no issues.

Yes, 100% so in my family.
It is not to control anyone, it is to keep safe. If anything goes wrong, at least we can find where each other was, let's say at the time of an accident, robbery, taken by force, taken to hospital unconscious, sort of thing.
It will go well beyond teenagers in my house. Forever sounds good.
We also use it to figure out how long we have left to wait when giving or taking a lift, where someone is if we had forgotten that they had a meeting, training or whatever or we cannot spot them in a meet up place.
I do not see anything wrong with this.