DD's clothes - say something or nothing?

[Mayflyoff]

My parents have commented twice on 14yo DD's clothes recently. The first time was a dress that just covered her bum, but she had shorts under it. The second time apparently her dress was showing more cleavage than they thought appropriate. Both times they were out with her in public, so not just commenting on what she was wearing round the house.

Do I share these comments with DD so that she can choose to dress differently around them (or not, as she pleases) or should I just ignore them?

She's a lovely girl, no other issues have been raised.

Look, the skirt length I do get, because they look rather precarious to us, but then they do wear skorts or shorts underneath them, which we used not to do in my time. So now that I know shorts are there, I do not care about the length anymore. Cleavage.... I am not seeing currrent fashion showing more than we used to? Actually less. Bar for those ridiculous slits that go all the way down to the navel. Still, though I do not like them, there is nothing that escandalous about them.
I would not tell her anything. She is with them, so safe and, most likely, dressing how young girls dress these days. Same as your mother did on her day.

You’re not going to be able to change your parents views at their age. No matter what they ‘should’ be tolerant of, obviously they’re not. So be practical, don’t make your daughter possibly have to face a clothes shaming. Yes it’s nice to be idealistic about the world, but it’s better to save your daughter having to have uncomfortable conversations directed at her at a young, and self conscious age.

So just say to her that the kind of clothes she might want to wear out with her friends aren’t suitable for wearing over to the grandparents. It’s clearly the grandparents’ problem not hers, but she’s also enough to realise that sometimes it’s important to dress appropriately for the occasion. That’s a life skill and you’re going her a favour by helping her weigh it up.

Just as it would be important in the situation of cold weather, hot weather, wet weather, going swimming, going into a formal social occasion where you have to wear specific things.

I totally agree with this

And it’s obviously not ok to flash your arse or tits when visiting grandparents

14 is too young to be wearing short dresses/skirts or low cut tops imo.

She's a child and it's not appropriate.

I think as her mum you’d be well within your rights to say hhmmm maybe time for a new dress now your taller, fuller breasts, remember granny and grandad grew up in a time where bathing suits covered their entire bodies. Make it relaxed but point it out gently.

If you agree with your parents say, well I agree but it’s the fashion or if you don’t say it’s her body she can dress as she likes, please don’t comment again.

My dd is similar, will wear more “risqué” clothes around us than when she’s out and about. I’ve not encountered the situation you have with other family around but do have a 14 & 17yo nieces who both have worn outfits that showed a bit more flesh at family events, but wouldn’t if out with friends. There were never any comments, had there been I think their parents would have shut it down.

My teen DS has realised that the grandparents dislike joggers and hoodies. He amends his clothing choices accordingly when we go out with them. Surely this is no different, most people consider what is appropriate for the setting and the company. I think I would tackle this along these lines.

DD is 15 and I wouldn't say anything to her about the comments. However I've had a general chat about having sure clothes are ok by checking what they look like if you bend over (and popping shorts on if necessary like your DD did) and not wearing things that are traditionally suggested with sexy underwear eg corsets, thigh high socks, that kind of thing. Which led to a conversation about the male gaze.

But otherwise I let her wear what she wants because it's a time to have fun and experiment.

No don't tell her that's gross.
It's not their place to be dictating what your daughter should wear
Protect her from that. It's an attitude that belongs in the past.
Life will dent her confidence as it is.. she doesn't need the people she's supposed to love and trust doing that.
Let her believe it's only sleazy men who think that way. Not her own family.

I wore very short/revealing clothes as a teen - when out with my friends. What I didn't do was wear that style of clothing to visit my grandparents (or to school, or to my Saturday job, or to babysit etc etc), because I was lucky enough to have parents who taught me courtesy, respect and how to adapt appropriately to different situations. Talk to your DD.

You could make exactly the opposite argument, that men staring or wolf whistling at her will make her self conscious.

The OP has also said she's been mistaken for an adult on several occasions, this is a dangerous road to go down.

Side point: if you have large breasts you'll see cleavage in almost all tops - and if you wear high neck, it emphasises your boobs to a ridiculous degree. So a little cleavage actually looks more modest.

I actually never realised this until after my first baby and had gigantic boobs. I have family members with very large boobs tho, and this is an issue for them. So I don't think cleavage around grandparents should be thought of as "inappropriate" when a lot of women really can't help it

Learning to dress appropriately for the situation is an important lesson. Flashing your boobs and arse with every move when visiting with your grandparents is not appropriate, just as it wouldn't be appropriate for a visit to a religious venue or school or most workplaces.

You don't need to tell her that she shouldn't wear what she wants just that she should adapt her look to the location and situation. She can still wear a tight skirt, it should just be closer to knee than belly button in length, tops can still show cleavage but maybe not be so low cut you can see her belly button. It's about reaching a balance between expressing herself and being respectful of the environment and population that she's interacting in.

I think say to your parents that she is young and finding her way and that you will say something, but that they need to promise you that they would never to say anything to her as it could cause her a permanent scar if they did.

And I would talk to her then myself about appropriate clothing at appropriate times. I have said to mine (boys and girls) that the same clothes that are suitable for hanging around their own homes or heading out for a walk with pals or on a summer holiday might not be suitable for a dinner out for grandparents birthday or school ceremony or interview or for doing sports in etc.

I gave the example of dh and I wearing swimwear at a beach and that no-one would look twice, but that I wouldn't think it was appropriate that either of us turn up in it to watch them at a school concert.... They all got that!!!

I think she should wear what she likes within reason. Obviously a 14 year old child shouldn’t have their arse cheeks showing or their tits falling out but if the dress was covering her arse and her cleavage wasn’t hanging out then I can’t see the issue

I attended the funeral of a neighbour. His granddaughters were there, youngish teens and in my opinion, dressed in an overly sexualised way, crop top with spaghetti straps and tight leggings. Their Grandmother was distressed anyway but also embarrassed about her granddaughters appearance. She apologised to me. I don't agree with policing clothing but in this instance I thought the parents should have intervened. Sometimes in life you have to wear appropriate clothing for an interview or a job. It was a formal funeral not a relaxed wake and it felt like a lack of respect.

I did have to talk about this to one of my dds and it’s a very difficult thing to broach. I told her that she was beautiful and that in an ideal world she should be able to wear anything she likes, but sadly the world isn’t ideal at all and that some people, usually men, can misinterpret what young women are wearing and read something into it that isn’t intended by the wearer.

I probably got it totally wrong and will be accused of sexism or something but I just said what I thought was best at the time.

I also explained about how different environments require different clothing choices because of all sorts of reasons including practicality, weather, out of respect for the group of people with whom you are interacting, the place itself. So I explained why wearing very bare shoulders and mini skirts in a traditional church setting or a conservative office would not be ideal.

FWIW, I would leave what you think and what her gps think of her clothes out of the discussion entirely. I would go more for the world works in such a way approach and agree with her if she protests that it’s not fair!

HTH.

So it wasn’t to the grandparents taste. Her grandparents personally didn’t like her outfit, however she was likely wearing what many other girls wear out in public. She wasn’t at a wedding or funeral so didn’t need to consider modesty.

I think you should only voice what the grandparents said, if your daughter can also voice her opinion of the grandparents outfits.

Some of the comments about your dad are disgusting.

I have no doubt that if the average grandad saw his granddaughter at the beach or pool in a bikini, he wouldn't bat an eye. His granddaughter showing cleavage and bum walking down the high street is a different matter.

You say your 14 year old daughter looks older than her years, has even been mistaken for your DH's wife before. She may look like a mature woman, but she is still a child, maybe it's time you (not your mum and dad) had more of a hand in guiding her clothes choice.

‘Mum/Dad she’s going through a phase- just keep out if it’

Obviously don't tell her. But tell your parents to fuck off.

Nasty.

You have rapists like the Oldham case walking amongst us.

To say no one should look when butt cheeks are hanging out is being incredibly naive.

Men will look, they will take pics when not looking and use them for whatever they choose.

I worked with a guy who was showing a cleavage video he'd taken of a woman on the tube.
They were both standing in the middle bit, he pretended to be just on his phone while recording her boobs jiggling about.
He was from a certain country (won't say but not hard to guess) where women are seen as objects.
I told him he would get in trouble as that wasn't the done thing here.

He said he'd delete it, but probably didn't.

It wasn't until a middle aged man cupped me on a busy tube whilst pretending to balance, that I realised, it is a done thing, men do it all the time, in plain site.

Is it wrong, absolutely.
Will it change, No.

The Oldham grooming gangs are once more in the news. It'll be interesting to see how this pans out, and how many other cities and towns that suffered at the hands of these paedophiles will be highlighted again.
It's still going on, and this government, and the last one, should definitely be investigated into why it was/is allowed to continue for decades.

The way some 'men' treat women in public is disgusting, it's up to every woman to shout out if they are targeted, it's because women are so loath to draw attention to these happenings that the creeps get away with it.

They don't get away with it because of women, they get away with it because of people in power not foing anything about it.
Victim blaming isn't going to solve anything.