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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

395 replies

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 12:48

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

OP posts:
MayaKovskaya · 21/10/2024 17:21

Ah, come on now. No-one has given you "abuse".
Some criticism, yes, but also some good suggestions.

BeMintBee · 21/10/2024 17:23

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

I managed to book a holiday during my own university graduation. It happens.

InTheirSundayBest · 21/10/2024 17:25

highwaysbyways · 21/10/2024 17:07

I don't think GCSEs are that big an achievement any more. They just have so many celebrations now, and there are other things which are important too. I don't think he gets to be the veto. I would want to be at my parents' Golden Wedding and I wouldn't want a 16-year-old at home on their own for too long!

Some family events are important even if teenagers don't see the importance - fair enough, they are at the selfish stage. But weddings, funerals, Golden Weddings are often extremely important, even if it's in a different way to events with peer groups, and even if not all families do these things or work in that way. The OP should run with her instincts and take the decision which is best overall.

And how would you feel if the teenager you dragged with you to your parents' wedding anniversary had such a miserable time that it ruined the trip for all of you?

A lot of kids go to sixth form colleges and scatter after Year 11; this is a big deal with a sense of finality and ending, and not an intermediate celebration - though a Golden Wedding anniversary hopefully is!

GinnyPiggie · 21/10/2024 17:30

MayaKovskaya · 21/10/2024 17:21

Ah, come on now. No-one has given you "abuse".
Some criticism, yes, but also some good suggestions.

Quite! It's mainly great advice from people who have also made this mistake:

  • Acknowledge that his feeling are reasonable
  • Acknowledge your responsibility for that
  • Let him stay at home either on his own or with a parent
  • Let him travel later to the family holiday
  • Explain to family that he might have exams on the day / day before prom anyway

All useful suggestions, and if you post some more detail about the circumstances then I'm sure people will have other ideas. What is a bad idea is just thinking you can talk him round and it will all be fine.

prismapython · 21/10/2024 17:35

I went to pils 40th anniversary. What a boring party for me and dc. Of course PIL were happy and their friends but I wouldn't let my dc miss a prom for that.

MayaKovskaya · 21/10/2024 17:37

Absolutely, @GinnyPiggie - good points.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 21/10/2024 17:37

TheGirlFromTheSummerBefore · 21/10/2024 15:59

I'm not a fan of the 'Americanism' of Britain and our culture but for the prom. I think it's a great idea. I just wish it wasn't called a prom is all.

Well I know from my and my siblings' direct experience that they did exist in the 70s and 80s but they were called the Leavers' Disco

Not every school would have had one, but plenty did.

crosbyrose · 21/10/2024 17:40

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 12:48

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

I did this. I ended up moving the holiday a week later. Cost me about an extra £400. So glad I did. He had a ball and those memories will last a lifetime.

mummymeister · 21/10/2024 17:43

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

So what did you want OP? Only those "there there hun dont beat yourself up" answers rather than truthful real world ones? No one, absolutely no one has given you abuse. they have just had the temerity to disagree with you.

Ivehearditbothways · 21/10/2024 17:44

You asked for advice and you got it @RochfordRuby. Cancel the holiday or shift the dates. You just don’t like the advice, but it’s pretty unanimous.

BattedAnEyebrow · 21/10/2024 17:45

No, exams are important! But GCSEs are just intermediate nowadays - not school-leaving qualifications, now that most stay on.

So is a golden wedding anniversary unless at the end of the party they get divorced.

Xiaoxiong · 21/10/2024 17:46

I don't think this holiday is moveable, but I honestly don't think that the golden wedding anniversary couple (grandparents?) will be as upset as you think they will be that he'll be going to his prom instead.

I'd ring them up and explain that 11 of you are coming instead of 12, and I bet that after a bit of "oh that's a shame" it will be fine.

MrsGalloway · 21/10/2024 17:51

I haven’t commented but your update is really unfair OP. The original post seemed to be focused on how you could talk him round and you’ve been fairly clear the holiday won’t be changing. Majority of people who have taken the time to reply have pointed out year 11 prom is a big deal (for a child who wants to go) and maybe you should try your best to make it happen. The point about the contingency day (that I can’t see you’ve responded to) is also useful information which if you’ve missed it has the potential to mess up your holiday anyway.

You’ll always get a few people having a dig or being sanctimonious but I don’t think most replies have been like that. Really hope you find a way to do the holiday and the prom (I’ve had x2 go through it and it meant a lot to both). I also had a prom (called a leavers ball) 30 years ago at the end of year 11 in my state comp.

MayaKovskaya · 21/10/2024 17:52

mummymeister · 21/10/2024 17:43

So what did you want OP? Only those "there there hun dont beat yourself up" answers rather than truthful real world ones? No one, absolutely no one has given you abuse. they have just had the temerity to disagree with you.

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This.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/10/2024 17:55

I'd let him choose, as long as a mates parents were willing for him to stay round theirs. I'm not sure I'd trust a 16 yo home alone with no adult supervision.
But he's going to be making lots of decisions and this is just another one.
Stay home for prom at a pals house, or come on holiday. He can't do both, but you shouldn't force him to go against his will. He's very lucky to be given an opportunity to go on holiday, but can choose not to at that age.

mondaytosunday · 21/10/2024 17:56

I don't know where you went to school @jellybe but at my kids school the Y11 prom was THE prom and there was a pre party and after party and getting drunk was definitely part of it! Neither of my kids had a prom in Y13 - one went to vocational college during Covid and the other one had a leavers dinner with no alcohol or post party.
OP either he goes and misses prom or he stays and misses the holiday (or joins after or comes back earlier whichever). Acknowledge your goof but say you can't move it.

Simplelobsterhat · 21/10/2024 17:58

I'm not sure why everyone keeps talking about GCSE contingency day? Why would you assume all schools have their prom the same time? The school I work in has had theirs in early July the last few years and GCSE contingency day is June usually.

I think it's easily done OP.
People often mention the longer summer holidays after GCSEs so easy to assume he is free from the end of exams if you are not working in a school / don't have older kids. We only did a 'ball' after year 13 when I was in school so I might not have thought about y11 prom if I didn't work with teenagers.

God, some parents I work with don't even seem to know to keep results day free / when it is usually. Schools assume too much knowledge.

It is a big thing for him to miss though, if you can find a way around it.

Lulubellamozarella · 21/10/2024 18:00

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

You have been given plenty of helpful advice and many suggestions on things you can do to make sure he doesn't miss the prom. I have not seen anyone give you any 'abuse', but many people have merely commented on how you could have made such a mistake. You admit you have made the mistake yourself. No-one here is saying they don't make mistakes themselves but we are not talking about them, we are talking about YOURS. What did you expect, for everyone to say 'oh never mind poor you?' I'm sorry, but you were not going to receive much of that when everyone feels so badly for your son missing out on his prom!!

Many people have asked questions about how long the holiday is for, where it falls in relation to the prom and made suggestions of can he stay home? with a friend? join you later? etc and you haven't answered any of them. But I feel you don't want that kind of advice because I don't think you have any intention of changing anything. I am not really sure what the point of this thread is.

Gingerbee · 21/10/2024 18:01

Sadly, I don't think you can appease him.
Kids talk about The Prom from mid Y10.
Usually, first day of Year 11 they want to know the date of the Prom.

I was doing Supply today and the Year 11s are talking about getting their dresses over half term. They are already arranging transport and partners.

Our local Charity shops having a Prom Sale next week.

It is such a shame he will miss it.
Is there anyway he could stay with a friend and come out later? Or come back earlier? He should be old enough to fly back on his own assuming he can be picked up

Out of curiosity what would you do if it clashed with a GCSE exam or contingency day?

I realise it s a special family event but it isn't his event!

Hopefully, you can work something out.

Good luck

amothersinstinct · 21/10/2024 18:03

I think you've tried to pull a fast one here thinking ooh goody we can save money by going "in term time" as he's 16 and will finish early due to exams but it's massively backfired

If let him fly out after the prom

Sorbiecorner · 21/10/2024 18:04

Where is the holiday? Can you get a flight back for him in the day. Ryanair or easyJet and see if he can stay over with a friend and fly back.

Thisismetooaswell · 21/10/2024 18:18

jellybe · 21/10/2024 17:20

Year 11 and year 13 leavers are very different. Year 11 is about the suits the dresses the transport and looking like grown ups. Year 13 is about getting very drunk 🥴 and going out out afterwards.

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That obviously depends on the school. They aren't all like that

x2boys · 21/10/2024 18:18

AuldSpookySewers · 21/10/2024 14:35

Yes, I can guarantee my DS won’t want to go to a school prom.

He dislikes the other kids in his year and hangs out with older teens at lunchtimes. He also chose not to attend any school trips since he was about 11yrs old. I was similar as a child and had zero interest in being friends with the other kids my age, although school Proms were not a thing when I was at school and I left school at 15.

I’m just surprised that so many posters see them as a big deal to be honest as I have no experience of them myself.

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Same ,my son refused to go to his prom ,non of his friends were going so he didn't see the point.

BrieHugger · 21/10/2024 18:24

OP probably won’t come back as she is surprised everyone said it was a mistake that needed fixing. I don’t exoect OP has any intention of fixing it, but I hope they can sort something out for their inconsolable son.

Definitelyrandom · 21/10/2024 18:25

Our two had proms in year 11 and in year 13. From memory, the year 13 one was the more important one as they were then all splitting up to go to university or jobs. I don't think either would have been devastated to miss the year 11 one. They really aren't "lifetime memory" events.