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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

395 replies

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 12:48

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

OP posts:
MrsAvocet · 21/10/2024 18:27

I agree @Simplelobsterhat A lot of posters are assuming that the way Prom is at their DC's school is universal. For example all the "How could you have not known?!" posts. Well the only way I would have known about my DC's proms is if they told me about them. Prom is not an official event at our school, just something the pupils organise themselves, so there is absolutely no information disseminated by the school. If my children had wanted to go and expected me to facilitate that in any way then I would have expected them to tell me about it! By 16 I was not organising their social calendars.
If the OP has been planning the Golden Wedding trip in complete isolation and not informed the rest of her family about it at all then yes, she needs to shoulder the blame. But if her DS knew there were plans being made to go away after his GCSEs and he failed to mention Prom then at least some of the responsibility for the problem also lies with him. After all, as has been repeatedly pointed out, he's not a small child any more. Presumably if, as many posters say is the norm, he had actually been talking about it for months as it's such an important event, the OP would have known about it, but if he hasn't discussed it I don't think it's entirely the OP's fault if she didn't think of Prom.

BrieHugger · 21/10/2024 18:27

x2boys · 21/10/2024 18:18

Same ,my son refused to go to his prom ,non of his friends were going so he didn't see the point.

I suppose it depends on the school but at ours only 14 missed it out of the year group of 225. It was an important event and rightly so.

BrieHugger · 21/10/2024 18:30

Dates for your diary!

Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!
thatwasthen81 · 21/10/2024 18:35

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fkglykuyhf · 21/10/2024 18:35

Anyone else in the group travelling out late-back early who he could go with

CRD67 · 21/10/2024 18:39

Where's the holiday? If it's not too far/expensive get him to fly out the day after the prom, staying with a mate's house or relatives until the prom is over.

ManyATrueWord · 21/10/2024 18:40

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 14:40

Can’t move the holiday - there are 12 people going for a 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Whatever we do, someone ends up upset!

If you have decided that it's your son who gets to be upset then that's on you. Own your choice.

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2024 18:44

Booking holidays with teens is a nightmare! We all sit down and work out everyone’s key dates proms/ friends holidays / festivals. We end up with about a 10 day window. So much easier when they were little and you bundle them in the car and that’s that!

Said before my friends 16 year old son flatly refused to get in the car to go to
wales as he would miss 2 parties.

viques · 21/10/2024 18:46

AuldSpookySewers · 21/10/2024 14:08

We’ve booked our summer holiday and haven’t even considered a Prom but there’s no chance my DS would want to go to anything like that, so I’m not worried about it.

Do kids really care about these things? I know I would have hated it myself.

Read the posts, yes they do.

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/10/2024 18:49

I can see why he's upset to be fair, but it was an honest mistake so don't be too hard on yourself, if prom is right near the beginning or end could he not fly out later, it leaves earlier?

Ultimately he can choose to stay at home and attend his prom if he wants to, he's growing up a bit now and these kinds of decisions should be up to him.

Pipsquiggle · 21/10/2024 18:53

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

@RochfordRuby
I really don't think this is fair. Most people have said prioritise your son and get him a separate flight.
Some people have been a bit critical but, I think you would admit this, you have cocked up.

If you really want useful advice from the MN hive mind, we need more information:

  • Date of prom
  • Date of holiday
  • Destination of holiday
  • UK airports you have access to
ThianWinter · 21/10/2024 18:53

You can't appease him, sorry. A 16yo is not going to want to attend his grandparents' Golden Wedding anniversary party, not when he should be going to his prom. Surely, with a bit of juggling, he can join the holiday a few days later than the rest of you? Let him go to the prom. At 16, he's old enough to fly solo and will probably enjoy travelling on his own to the holiday resort to join the rest of the family afterwards/

Waitformetoarrive · 21/10/2024 18:53

It’s a big deal, especially for year 11’s finishing their GCSEs. The year 13 proms is not the same as most of kids are already enjoying a nightlife as most are 18. I would look at one of you staying at home so he can go. Unfair on your son to miss out because you don’t want to upset others, I know who I would be putting first.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 21/10/2024 18:54

Isn't prom still within term time? Have you had approval to take him out of school right at the end of year when he might have exams.
You have 3 options.

  1. Move the flights/travel
  2. Leave him behind
  3. Tell him tough shit and he's going away and put up with the sulking.

There's nothing that you can say that will make him think some old folks (sorry) wedding anniversary is more important/will be more fun than a prom with his mates. Literally nothing.

I note you have thrown insults out, without answering the question regarding exam timetables. Interesting.

sunshinemode · 21/10/2024 19:01

My son did GCSEs last summer and I thought we would be able to go on holiday nice and early but once contingency day, prom and 6th form taster days had been factored in we couldn't go until July

yorktown · 21/10/2024 19:04

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

When in the holiday is the prom?
Are you away for GCSE contingency day?

If it's a mistake and you're just going to live with that, why did you post?

x2boys · 21/10/2024 19:05

Canonlythinkofthisone · 21/10/2024 18:54

Isn't prom still within term time? Have you had approval to take him out of school right at the end of year when he might have exams.
You have 3 options.

  1. Move the flights/travel
  2. Leave him behind
  3. Tell him tough shit and he's going away and put up with the sulking.

There's nothing that you can say that will make him think some old folks (sorry) wedding anniversary is more important/will be more fun than a prom with his mates. Literally nothing.

I note you have thrown insults out, without answering the question regarding exam timetables. Interesting.

Proms are arranged usually after the exams have finished so they wouldt be in school anyway.

AegonT · 21/10/2024 19:06

These mix ups happen go easy on yourself.

Is there a good friend he could stay with, go to the prom that parent takes photos for you and tells him he looks smart.

Then you could book him a later flight and hopefully there is there someone who could drive him to the airport and if he needs it check his flight is on time and walk him to security. You collect him the other side.

TheTrainNowDeparting · 21/10/2024 19:09

You open your post 'Help!' and end with 'Advice please' - please listen to to the helpful advice you have received here, and do not make your son miss his prom. Whether we think these events are great or not, it is a huge thing in his life, and he only gets one go at it. It is the end of this stage of his school life and something to look forward to during the grind of GCSEs, Whether or not he is going into Sixth Form, others will not be, so this is the last time all his friends and year group will be together. He will feel massively left out if he cannot go. As others have said, it isn't just one evening: it's months of planning, choosing outfits and transport, organising pre-parties, deciding whom to go with etc. You ask for suggestions about how to 'appease' him. You can't. And the fact you believe you can suggests you have not accepted how significant this is to him. Could you not devote your energies to thinking of ways to make it possible for him to attend prom? There have been many helpful suggestions. Your son is not inconsolable: you can console him by finding a way to get him to prom.

This isn't about blame or who did or did not make a mistake. I absolutely get the excitement of being able to book a holiday at a decent price for the first time in years, and could easily have done the same. And I understand that you must be really looking forward to the anniversary celebration, and wanted everyone to be there. But right now, it is about dealing fairly with the clash of dates that has come up, and I believe you need to put your son first.

I would be concerned it may affect your relationship if you do not recognise how important this is to him and force him to go away and miss his prom. On the other hand, if you listen and work with him to find a way he can go, it could be good for you both.

Hope it works out.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/10/2024 19:10

Your asking for advice but haven’t answered any questions to help people give you advice.

cdavis1 · 21/10/2024 19:12

Not in one million years would I allow my son to miss prom. A holiday you can go on whenever. Year 11 prom is once in a lifetime. You absolutely have to change the holiday.

thatwasthen81 · 21/10/2024 19:14

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Lulubellamozarella · 21/10/2024 19:20

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He does want to go though and is inconsolable about missing it.

GimmeHRT · 21/10/2024 19:23

Yr 11 students talk a lot about Prom. Some schools use the threat of not going to Prom as a behaviour management tool. By Prom night 90% will be going.

If you say now he can’t go to Prom as 50th wedding celebration for 12 is booked he will hang that over you for ever.

And I hope the holiday doesn’t clash with GCSE contingency days. What happens if a Maths / English paper needs a contingency sitting? Are you going to say never mind that qualification there a party happening somewhere? That will blow his sixth form/uni chances

Baby3or · 21/10/2024 19:25

Prom is a big deal

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