Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

[RochfordRuby]

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

Are flights booked? If they are, could you not see if you can change them (usually a fee) as they are in advance.
As he will be 16, he could fly out after the prom and join you..
No big deal.

My DS missed prom due to being on holiday and although a little disappointed he wanted to go on holiday more. And as it turned out his mates were messaging him all evening saying how rubbish it was. We coped without prom at 16 and I'm sure he'll have a lovely holiday.

Not always - particularly if most kids don’t stay on for 6th form at that school. There is often a year 13 prom but this is about saying goodbye to friends they’ve been to school with since year 7. Often since primary, now going off to do different things.

My dc only had yr11 prom nothing yr13 at same school.
I’d let him choose and stay at home if he’s 16. If he can come on hols later do that.

“I thought one of the things required on this website was that we be nice to people”

You’re thinking of Netmums

If it's your first child and the school hasn't said, I don't know how you are magically supposed to know these things.

My son didn't go to his prom, not all dc are interested. But yours is, so I'd try to move the holiday. Usually you can, at a cost.

Edited: just seen the note about the 50th birthday party. Are they really going to be that disappointed if your son misses it - you wouldn't have been able to go if it had been normal term-time? Anyway, there's always their 60th

Edited again - seen it's a wedding anniversary. Surely they don't really expect a teen to put that over their prom? Maybe they could celebrate twice!

Prom is very significant, a true milestone. Even for boys who usually express no interest in wearing a suit. Even boys who hate school love to go to prom. To see the pride and happiness on their (usually grumpy) faces is so lovely. Change your holiday or one of you stay home with him and fly out later.

A Golden Wedding is a really big deal - it's not easy to last the course, and very few people live until Platinum.

Do whatever's best - it's a balancing act. It's not cruelty to sometimes have to miss out. Everyone in a family misses out on something at some point.

“I thought one of the things required on this website was that we be nice to people”

I don't think so.

What does he want to do OP?

You need to ask him and make it work! Nothing else will appease him

Do not force him to miss prom for something that is neither his choice or his fault.

Have you checked with school re the contingency day?

A Golden Wedding Anniversary is a really big deal - to the celebrating couple.

Drawing a line under 11 years of education all of the challenges and triumph experienced along the way DS is having to miss out on a once in a lifetime event and the closure that comes with it, is also a big deal and importantly the choice to miss it was not his to make. If he was in control and had decided to miss it that would be fine but he isn't.

He really isn't going to care that GM and GD have been married 50 years, he has no frame of reference for that as an event. He is going to care that he won't see some of those people again.

It’s his prom. Don’t make him miss it if he doesn’t want too. One of you go and one of you stay and let him go prom. You can always fly out after to join the celebrations once prom is over.

It's harder when you're 16, when this is one of the first major milestones of your life, when you missed out on the previous ones because of covid ruining the end of primary school, at an age where friends mean everything - for teenagers, they really do, more than family for a while! - when prom feels like such a big deal and major topic of conversation for a whole year, when you want to say your goodbyes and celebrate your achievements, when you want to attend the leavers' assembly and sixth form transitions and all the other important stuff that will be happening and that matters to your past and your future. For that kid, his grandparents' wedding anniversary doesn't and shouldn't matter anywhere near as much as all of that. His priorities and perspective will change as he gets older but right now, this matters a lot. It's so easy for us to be dismissive, or to roll our eyes at American culture or whatever else people are sneering about, and sure we feel differently about anniversaries and ageing but it doesn't take a huge leap of empathy to realise what this means to a teenager and how important it is.

If nothing else, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by dragging this kid along against his will because that will not end up being a pleasant holiday experience for anyone!

A Golden Wedding is a really big deal - it's not easy to last the course, and very few people live until Platinum.

But he hasn't been married for fifty years. Why should he not have a celebration of his own achievements?

I don't think GCSEs are that big an achievement any more. They just have so many celebrations now, and there are other things which are important too. I don't think he gets to be the veto. I would want to be at my parents' Golden Wedding and I wouldn't want a 16-year-old at home on their own for too long!

Some family events are important even if teenagers don't see the importance - fair enough, they are at the selfish stage. But weddings, funerals, Golden Weddings are often extremely important, even if it's in a different way to events with peer groups, and even if not all families do these things or work in that way. The OP should run with her instincts and take the decision which is best overall.

It's only a big deal to the couple surely. It's a lovely achievement but a 16yo won't care. I didn't really care about prom at that age but it seems to have become a milestone in school, and surely that is more important and worth celebrating too.

Where is it?

Are there cheap flights available so he could come back for a day? That's what I'd try and figure out.

When on the holiday does prom fall? If it is in the first day or two can he and one parent stay or he stays with a relative/friend and join the holiday a day or two later?

There is so much talk about prom in the run up to it after exams, everyone getting excited, it isn't just the one night he is missing it is the whole build up and it is going to put him on a downer during exam time.

I would do whatever is needed to get him there.

That's a personal thing though, that wedding anniversaries are important to you and exams not so much.

I feel the complete opposite. I had my silver wedding anniversary this year and celebrated with my husband only because that's the way I choose to celebrate my marriage.

A Golden Wedding Anniversary is a really big deal - to the celebrating couple.
and to any descendants of that marriage,who would otherwise not exist.
At 16 though, DS can make his own choice. Flying out or home on a separate flight will be a great experience for him if it is possible for him to do both.

No, exams are important! But GCSEs are just intermediate nowadays - not school-leaving qualifications, now that most stay on.

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

Where is the holiday OP?

Is arranging for your son to travel out separately after PROM an option?

Year 11 and year 13 leavers are very different. Year 11 is about the suits the dresses the transport and looking like grown ups. Year 13 is about getting very drunk 🥴 and going out out afterwards.

Of course he's upset. Either cancel the holiday or let him stay on his own. I'm surprised you didn't check first