DD is becoming a nightmare made a right scene at doctors today

[BluntSheep]

DD 15.Its like my once sweet little girl has just changed overnight and had a complete personality transplant.

She has started to become a very impatient, opinionated and borderline rude individual.

Was at doctors today as she was experiencing some sensitive issues and she made a right scene in the place because apparently the Doc kept asking irrelevant questions and was implying that she "didn't believe her" to certain questions and was repeating them. She stormed out said your really not good at your job and demanded another doctor. I was so embarrassed I just froze everyone was staring at me.

I don't know what to do will she grow out of this is it just a phase or do I need to take action and get real tough with her.

How many times has a doctor, almost always a male doctor, completely ignored and even tried to belittle me? Many, many times.

In suspect many woman on this board would report the same.

she found her voice at 15. You should be proud.

you should have taken her for ice cream.

You’re advocating and encouraging rudeness? What kind of society are you trying to create?

There's a huge and growing amount of evidence that medical professionals do routinely ignore, dismiss, downplay, and even in some cases ridicule legitimate health concerns made by women and girls and do not listen to firsthand accounts of symptoms, etc., particularly in cases where the situation differs from what established medical knowledge has concluded based on how illnesses and ailments manifest in men and boys. My first thought would be to make sure you listen to your daughter with an open mind and truly understand what is going on from your daughter's perspective. Be prepared to facilitate her seeing another doctor if possible. You can deal with her affect, demeanor, and language later on but I would not assume up front that she's at fault. She's a child. If you don't back her up - not even bothering to help her objectively determine whether or not the doctor is truly being unreasonable - then who will?

I wouldn’t be happy if my teen did this. It isn’t the way to go about things and I’d actually make her apologise.

I wouldn’t dismiss her medical concerns but I wouldn’t tolerate or facilitate this sort of a response otherwise where would it end? Having a tantrum every time something is not to her personal satisfaction?

Random suggestion OP but have you watched the film inside out 2?

Re the doctors, please be in her corner on this one. Facilitate another appointment and offer to go in with her this time. Perhaps specifically ask for a female GP

This. As someone, who has been severely gaslit by a doctor more than once and didn’t advocate for myself, I kind of admire your dd’s tenacity. Did she handle it in the best ways? No. But it was equally no worse than the way I handled the situation as my lack of complaint will have led the doctors (both male) to have concluded they were correct, ergo to continue to handle women in the same way as they handled me.

Before my kids turned into teenagers I was flabbergasted (yup, using that word😅) by the teens I worked with and how they’d say when something was wrong, right out. When I was young it was diplomacy or just put up and shut up really and now with the mistakes of the past (people not being listened to, with horrendous consequences!) there’s a shift the other way. It’s not always great, but maybe it was necessary. Sometimes it works out better in the end to embarrass people

Talk about differing opinions! One poster said at 15 why did you go in with her ? And how her daughters would have been mortified if she went in with them at that age and another poster said at 15 why DiDnt you go in with her and support her ??

I would explain to your daughter that what might seem to her to be an irrelevant question, in medical terms could be hugely relevant. Why does she think she knows better than a trained medical professional?

Yes there are cases where a doctor is at fault but in this situation it sounds like she was asking probing questions to work out what the medical situation was...

I have teens.

Sit down and say her point about the dr is completely valid, however it’s important to remain civil and polite. Or she might be asked to leave the practice. That being rude is not necessary.

I would use this situation as a way to show her how next time she can handle it, I would also ask her to consider the long hours snd exhausting work of a dr, and to be more respectful and considerate.

I am a psychologist and work with this age group a lot.

This is a tricky one. You describe your DD as having changed dramatically and overnight. This can be explained by adolescence. Many readers/ posters will have had similar experiences themselves, or with their children. It can also be a symptom of other things such as overwhelming stress and anxiety, abuse/bullying and/or specific illnesses/conditions.

At this age, assuming behavioural issues/symptoms attributable to adolescence at the expense of identifying true cause is common (diagnostic overshadowing). Less common, but does happen, diagnostic under shadowing can occur whereby adolescence is overlooked and typical teen behaviour is pathologised. l

We don't know what happened in the consultation with the GP. It could be that your DD was frustrated because the doctor was dismissive or failing to attend to the issues your daughter thinks are key. It could be that the doctor had some potential diagnoses to explore, requiring exploration beyond the information that your DD thinks is relevant, but is still important to explore from an informed medical perspective. Perhaps the doctor touched on, or picked up on, an issue that your DD is finding overwhelming and this caused her to flee. She may be telling herself that she walked out for other reasons as she is in denial, or she could be fully cognisant of an issue but cannot face disclosing it.

The important thing is not to make assumptions about any one explanation. I would listen to your gut. If you sense there is more to this than the usual teen issues, that's significant.

My suggestion is that you let your daughter know you are concerned about her well-being and you are there for her. You can, at the same time tell het that her behaviour was not OK. In the incident at the GP, you can say that there were ways of handling the situation that would have helped her, not worked against her. You can reinforce that it's OK to feel frustrated and angry, these feelings provide important information that something is wrong. We need to listen to them, understand what is causing them, and then take action to make things right for ourselves. Most of the time, the most productive way isn't to deploy the nuclear option. You can also say that doing this during the teen years is very hard as our brains are wired in a way that makes over-riding emotions with reason very difficult once emotions are heightened.

I hope this post doesn't cause you more worry. There may or may not be something concerning going on. My key message is to hold both in mind, try and ensure your daughter knows that even if she feels something is unspeakable, you can safely handle whatever she tells you, and in the meantime, you can place expectations or her re her behaviour.

What an incredible post. Thank you

She’s 15 and experiencing a sensitive issue. I’m therefore assuming that she already felt embarrassed and or vulnerable.

And the doctor made her feel as if she didn’t believe her (or maybe genuinely did not believe her / listen to her).

It is completely understandable that she did NOT know how to handle this kind of thing. She spoke up, which is more than I did when I was 15. That’s a good thing!

teach her how to channel her anger and present herself in a manner that won’t allow people to easily dismiss her.

But the fact she stood up for herself is fantastic!

At least the doctor knows what her behaviour is like.

The OP wasn't in the room with her, she says so in her updates.

Nobody wants their child to be rude to anybody, but often, especially in medical cases we see women completely ignored and we need to encourage our young people to advocate for themselves. At 15 the skill of doing that without seeming like you're kicking off is tough to navigate.
It's a skill many of us still don't have.
We either people please and don't make a fuss or we seem rude and abrasive.
This for me would be the opportunity to discuss with her how to self advocate effectively without resorting to angry outbursts. But I'd be acknowledging that if she felt gaslit or ignored, her feelings were valid, we just wait until we're in the car before saying anything that would be rude.
15, life is starting to get real and it's overwhelming. She was rude but life goes on. We move, we learn.
I probably wouldn't have asked her to give a forced apology she wouldn't have meant, but I hold a lot of faith in sincere apologies and a genuine apology means a lot to me. I appreciate I may be in the minority.

Teen girls can be awful. There's a lot going on when you're 15. Raging hormones, the desire to be treated as an adult but your brain isn't fully developed enough to have a filter when it comes to making good choices.

On the one hand, the GP was wrong because they were not listening nor asking relevant questions, so good for your daughter standing up to them. I would have just taken it at that age and left feeling defeated.

On the other hand, although the outburst was embarrassing to you I think you shouldn't punish her, but talk to her about other ways of handling ignorant people. She can always make a complaint, or insist she sees a different GP in the future. Support her in whatever she decides to do.

I don’t react well to be called a liar

its extremely rude to accuse someone of fabricating an illness

Gaslighting is a bloody strong word. Do we have a manipulative and abusive GP or a rude hormonal, possibly worried and embarrassed stroppy teen?

I know where I’d put my money. This sort of behaviour shouldn’t be enabled. Where does it stop if someone thinks this is acceptable?

She clearly wasn’t mature enough to handle this appointment without mum present (obviously hindsight is a wondered thing).

Yes, if the dr directly called you a liar that will be very upsetting. Did you walk out because you were so offended?

Nobody knows what the issue is, or what the Gp asked? So how they’re coming to the conclusion that the questions were irrelevant and your daughter did good and needs ice cream is utterly beyond me. She STILL has her issue- how’s that winning at life?!

She could end up being banned from the surgery, it could follow her for life. GP’s will stick together, make things difficult etc. She probably has ‘verbally abusive’ or what have you indicated on her records now.

I agree that some doctor’s can also be dicks.

She needs to work on her anger, the way she handled the situation.

Whatever her medical issue is she now has no treatment for it. Could she go to a GUM clinic instead? (I don’t know what they do altogether). Or make another appointment and you attend also. Or she tells you what the issue is- could this be dealt with just by seeing a pharamacist. If she can’t tell her mum, how is she going to tell a Gp.

I thought this too. Maybe the doctor wasn't listening to her.

It sounds like she needs a massive hug and some sympathy. It is the one of the worst things in the world to talk to a strange doctor about a sensitive issue when you are a teenager. Obviously, she didn’t handle it at all well which will be doubly embarrassing for her. You could try again with a different doctor. After this experience she may want you to be in there or you could offer to do the talking for her. She may never want to go to the doctor again which will be a bigger problem.

Absolutely good for her for standing up for herself! There is a HUGE problem with doctors not listening to women and young women even more so. Both male and female doctors are very guilty of this. I’d be praising her for being so strong, confident and assertive. Please don’t teach your daughter that it’s wrong to defend herself! Too many women feel that they have to put being nice before what they need, even though that means suffering. Enough is enough.

Oh yeah, God forbid a woman stands up for herself! Better to plaster on a smile and THANK the doctor for being a patronizing ass, because a lady must never show any emotion and must put politeness before all else, and other people’s feelings before everything - even her health.