My 16yr old boy is awful to live with and we don't know what to do anymore.

[Djinu]

He lives with me and his dad as well as his quite severely autistic brother who is primary aged. He was the most lovely child up until he was 13, kind, funny, considerate. Now he is none of those things.

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky. He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone. Then a week later we found him vaping thc in his bedroom. He was high as a kite. We threw all the paraphernalia in the bin and banned him from having access to money.

He's generally either unpleasant and totally ignores us and his brother. His brother can't remember the last time he even spoke a word to him. He doesn't get me anything for mother's day, birthdays etc despite usually having access to pocket money. He isn't kind to anyone other than his girlfriend.

He's been with her for about a year and pays for everything. If they eat out he pays (or I should say we pay as it's our money). We only found this out when we saw his bank statements. All of his Christmas and birthday money has gone on her paying for food, transport, clothes etc. So he can be generous to her but can't bring himself to speak to us.

After the vaping we sat him down and said if anyone found out we had drugs in the house then we would have SS involved with our other child. We cannot have this going on in our house. He agreed to not smoke it again. We also said he needed to be pleasant to his family and actually be part of our household.

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has. He has no redeeming features at all and I'm tired of living with someone like this. If a partner treated me like this they would have been kicked out a long time ago but because he's 16 (almost 17) then we just have to live with it.

His dad has kidney failure and needs a transplant. He doesn't have the energy for arguments so tries to just let him carry on the way he is behaving. His poor brother would love his brother even to greet him and say a few words to him.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

What am I supposed to do?

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky.

or you could see it as naturally bright

he was as “high as a kite” by vaping?

i take it you’re not keen on GF?

vaping isn’t drug taking as far as i’m aware?

Encourage his forces application and look forward to when he'll be out of your hair on basic training.

How much support has he got for having a seriously ill parent and a sibling with a disability? Does he get respite with young carers?

Which armed service? Is he involved with cadets? If not, why? Get him to find his nearest group today and to make initial enquiries. Have you and he sat down to look at the entry requirements - looked at the fitness requirements and helped him work out a routine to meet them? Bee to the careers office?

From the little snapshot you've written here it sounds a bit like as he was relatively able to manage alone he has been left to it whilst you focussed on his brother and his dad. As hard as it is for you that was never going to work out well. He has done well at school, has future aspirations, has a girlfriend he treats well - although needs to learn to share the costs more oftenHe has dabbled with things he shouldn't and I'd be mentioning drugs and alcohol tests and his future choice of jobs and have him research how long th stay in your system.

@hillroad you can put all sorts in vapes these days, unfortunately

It sounds like you don't like him much, did anything specific happen when he turned 13 to make his behaviour change apart from being a stroppy teen. Raping doesn't get you high, teens often pinch the alcohol, what's his gf like. If you think he's wasting money don't give him anymore, encourage him to join the auxiliary or territorial military, ir cadets see if he enjoys that, is there any discipline in the house at all.

She said vaping THC

She said vaping THC

Sounds like a young teenager that has got lost in the family because others have had higher needs.
Can you not see that?
His job isn't to make your life less work, has he had any help to deal with having an autistic brother and sick dad?
I sympathise that you are stretched but your son is paying the price here.

He is 16! Normal development in other words.
Vaping ( whilst horrible imo) is not doing drugs 🙄
He is a quite normal 16 year old boy, poor bugger.

Cut him some slack.

Or get rid of him into the forces - but don't come back whinging that your 'DS' wants nothing to do with you in a few years time.

He was vaping THC. I had never heard of it but it's cannabis but 3 times the strength. It isn't legal.

Yeah maybe he is naturally bright but I would have rather he wasn't and actually put some work into his GCSEs. He wouldn't even let us buy him a laptop to study on. All of his teachers said the same thing that he could be amazing at anything but puts no effort in.

It really hasn't registered with him that his dad is really ill. I know that isn't what's making him the way he is. It's like he doesn't have feelings. I don't think he would care if all of us died tomorrow if he could still have money, lifts and food.

Yes I'll support him with his Forces application. Anything to not have to live with him. He refuses to join the cadets. He does a lot of exercise but spends most of his time with his girlfriend. I barely have an opinion of her tbh but don't have much respect for anyone who allows someone else to fund all of their expenses.

It sounds like he has a lot to contend with. Children with severely disabled siblings can inadvertently be left out of things for all sorts of reasons. He also has a very ill parent that he could be worried sick about. And now, a mother who seems to dislike him! Poor kid.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

don't get me wrong, I have a 16yo boy and I know how frustrating they can be, but I would guess that this sentence above has a lot to do with why he's detached from you and the family so much. You are focused on your DH and younger child, your DH doesn't have the capacity to parent fully at the moment and he's being overlooked. Trouble with teenagers is that if they feel pushed away by parents they will detach and look elsewhere for their emotional needs (as he has done wit his girlfriend) and it can be very hard to get them back.

you sound very harsh talking about two 16 year olds

and the fact that one is your son… is both sad and disturbing

The fact that you’d rather have your child joining the armed forces than live with you is very telling. Most parents feel the exact opposite of this!

Sounds like he's finding his ways to cope with several difficult situations. What positive points do you see in him? How much time do you invest in him?

Have you considered he may also be autistic, although with much lower support needs? If he has a high support needs autistic brother than the chances are quite high that he is too. Children with lower support needs autism tend to b able to manage ok until Secondary and then the wheels start falling off.

However if he wants to join the forces (and he manages fairly well) then don't go for assessment as it would be a barrier to join.

It really hasn't registered with him that his dad is really ill. I know that isn't what's making him the way he is. It's like he doesn't have feelings

that absolutely cannot be true

He sounds like a very normal teenage boy tbh!

vaping THC (cannabis) ...

I don’t want to kick you when you’re down but it sounds like you are subconsciously using your son as a receptacle for all your frustrations. He knows it.

My mother was seriously ill during my teen years. There was zero ‘space’ for me at home at the age of 16. Be kind to your son.

Behaviour is communication.

I am not saying it isn’t hard and I really feel for you, but I feel for him too. You are the parent here. Evidently on some level his needs have not been met and you’ve let him slip away because of all the other demands on you and your DH.

I do honestly love him. If I didn't love him then I wouldn't constantly keep trying with him. We ask him to eat with us but he eats in his room, we invite him to meals out, days out. He doesn't want to spend time with us.

His brother is the one who is autistic but actually comforts me if I'm sad. He just wouldn't notice. Maybe he is autistic too but it's harder to tell.

I'm not wanting him to go in the forces to send him away but I want him to have discipline. I honestly want him to appreciate the loving caring family that he has. Forgive me if I sound at the end of my tether with him but he is just so ungrateful. I got up at 6am the other day to take him to work (has a part time job) and he didn't even thank me.

When I was 16 I was living on my own. No parents in this country. Financially supported myself and managed a house, cooking etc. He really doesn't know he's born. All of the other teenagers I know aren't like him.

He’s 16. With a girlfriend. Of course he doesn’t want to spend time with you! Family days out are hell for him!

Think of it this way, he’s supposed to grow away from you in his teens. You’ve done a good job if he’s doing so!