My 16yr old boy is awful to live with and we don't know what to do anymore.

[Djinu]

He lives with me and his dad as well as his quite severely autistic brother who is primary aged. He was the most lovely child up until he was 13, kind, funny, considerate. Now he is none of those things.

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky. He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone. Then a week later we found him vaping thc in his bedroom. He was high as a kite. We threw all the paraphernalia in the bin and banned him from having access to money.

He's generally either unpleasant and totally ignores us and his brother. His brother can't remember the last time he even spoke a word to him. He doesn't get me anything for mother's day, birthdays etc despite usually having access to pocket money. He isn't kind to anyone other than his girlfriend.

He's been with her for about a year and pays for everything. If they eat out he pays (or I should say we pay as it's our money). We only found this out when we saw his bank statements. All of his Christmas and birthday money has gone on her paying for food, transport, clothes etc. So he can be generous to her but can't bring himself to speak to us.

After the vaping we sat him down and said if anyone found out we had drugs in the house then we would have SS involved with our other child. We cannot have this going on in our house. He agreed to not smoke it again. We also said he needed to be pleasant to his family and actually be part of our household.

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has. He has no redeeming features at all and I'm tired of living with someone like this. If a partner treated me like this they would have been kicked out a long time ago but because he's 16 (almost 17) then we just have to live with it.

His dad has kidney failure and needs a transplant. He doesn't have the energy for arguments so tries to just let him carry on the way he is behaving. His poor brother would love his brother even to greet him and say a few words to him.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

What am I supposed to do?

Going by your post, the forces would probably be the best thing for your son. It would give him a sense of belonging which he doesn’t seem to be getting at home.
You say that he hasn’t even registered his Dads illness, I sincerely doubt this, his behaviour is his reaction. Read up on teenagers brain development especially the pre frontal cortex, it will explain things.
I really struggled with my teen at times, but the last thing I would have wanted was for him to join the forces.
You need to support him and try speaking to him, find out what’s going on in his head.

This sounds very familiar. We later discovered that our elder son also had special needs. I was so focused on his brother he was ignored. He was refused by the forces fortunately but suffered terribly in his late teens and twenties. The world is cruel if you can't fight and work.He now lives with us and I do not know what the future holds for him. Be kind ,try to communicate, he maybe feeling rejected and worthless, his GF his only support .

When I was 16 I was living on my own. No parents in this country. Financially supported myself and managed a house, cooking etc.

Really?

This exactly. Poor kid.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It’s sounds like you could do with someone to talk to. Although it may seem like your son does not care he could be trying to distance himself from you guys because he is worried about his Dad dying. It is quite usual for teenagers to do the things you have listed doesn’t make it any less hurtful or annoying. Call your local authority early help service they have family/youth support workers that may be able to help. Sending you hugs, strength and patience.

His brother is the one who is autistic but actually comforts me if I'm sad. He just wouldn't notice. Maybe he is autistic too but it's harder to tell.

You know it’s not your children’s job to comfort you when you’re sad? You are the parent and the one that should be supporting them, not the other way around.

Sounds like you are scapegoating him for the whole family being under severe stress. If all your attention is on your husband and other child in what way are you supporting him? Did you help him with a revision timetable? Support him to eat and sleep well during exam season? No one does well at GCSEs through luck. To do well despite everything going on in his life is a pretty commendable achievement. You need to be the change you want to see Op - if you can't cope you need to get some support for yourself. At the very least you need to stop blaming your son and change the narrative around him. If you can't like him then no one will, including himself. I wonder if you are disliking him because he is demanding parenting from you at a time you don't have capacity to do so and want him to go back to being easy to look after.

Yes. My parents moved abroad without me. I worked to support myself. Not that it's really relevant but that's what I had at his age. I was so lonely I remember ringing the Samaritans. I would have loved to have had my family in the house, there was just me.

I'm glad I posted anyway because I'm overreacting clearly. He must be affected by what's going on in the house. I'm trying to work full time, care for 2 people, feeling constantly upset about his behaviour. I'll try and just let him be and hope one day he'll come back to us. I just miss him. The way he used to be.

He honestly does sound like a relatively normal 16 year old.
My 16 year old boy has recently become similar. He has had his friends round drinking our alcohol, he's smoked weed, he's vaped thc, he talks to us like crap sometimes. All I can do is love him, and try and teach him boundaries.
I think if he wants to be in the forces I would encourage him to focus on that. Any focus would be good and the forces do demand good behaviour and structure!
It's perfectly normal (but hurtful) that his priority in life right now is his girlfriend xx
Just be there, show interest in his life, don't let things escalate into arguments. Encourage him to spend time with you with his girlfriend maybe? Invite her for tea? And teach him the dangers of drugs. That's all you can do xxx

I totally get the missing the person he was before. I sometimes think I'm almost mourning them as they're a totally different person. But that is part and parcel of having a teenager. They will come back if you do what you can to maintain a positive relationship. They're not adults yet, despite them thinking they are xx

How long has your dh been ill? It sounds as if the disconnect could well be a coping mechanism. If he doesn’t care, he doesn’t have to feel. And I agree that he may also be autistic. My dd became the same. She seriously withdrew after my second major surgery and seemed to be totally uncaring and unloving. I thought it was normal teenage stuff. But actually it was because she couldn’t cope anymore with me being ill and it was easier for her to just switch off. She’s also just sat her GCSEs. I only know this now because she became pretty seriously anorexic earlier this year and is quite possibly autistic with PDA but incredibly good at masking.

It sounds as if your ds possibly needs counselling rather than harsh words. He has transposed all of his love for the family onto his gf by the sound of it, which is quite normal in some ways at this age to be obsessed by a gf, but this is excessive.

He might flourish in the military he could learn a skill, make friends, feel supportive and have a sense of purpose, he might think what's the point of it all if his dad is unwell, he can spend his earned money on what he likes but a sense of responsibility might be helpful

at 16 you were able to find a job and fully support yourself living alone.

If that’s your benchmark for a 16 year old op…. then 😮

at 16 i’m pretty sure my mum was still changing my bedding!

i’m guessing you aren’t remotely close to your parents?

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has.

This is so sad. There must be something you like about him, however small?

Care for 2 people?
I thought you said you have 2 sons and a poorly husband isn’t that 3 people?

He really doesn't. Drinking neat spirits and vaping THC is quite dangerous behaviour.
OP, can you talk to his tutor at college?
Have you met his gf?
He has a got a lot to worry about in his life and he isn't dealing with it well.
Can you keep trying to communicate? Keep telling him you love him. Ask him if he is worried about his dad.

I completely sympathise, I do. It’s so so hard to deal with this behaviour when you feel so depleted and have too much on.
I’ve been there, only it was me that was ill so I really didn’t have the reserves.
There were points at which I honestly wanted to find somewhere else for him to live.
However, your son IS aware his dad is ill and he’s probably really scared too.
Somehow you need to dig deep and find the strength to re connect with your son. Stop expecting any kind of emotional support from him- it’s not his job and you will be disappointed anyway. Understand he is suffering too. Make time to spend time with him. Praise him for any little thing he does right ( positive reinforcement).
For me, I told my son “ I have found it very hard to deal with the way you are being but I know it’s because you are scared and it’s really hard on you” Even just acknowledging that fact helped.
16 is often a difficult age with boys even in the best circumstances. Somehow you need to park your anger and try and empathise without judgement, and give him the 1-1 attention he needs.

He's growing up, it's not unusual he doesn't want to spend time with his family a lot, nor is it weird he does a lot with a girlfriend. The way you talk about him you can tell you dislike him, he'll know this too. As someone pointed out about his GCSEs, you can't even bring yourself to be happy he did well as you seem to think it should have been some sort of lesson. Its honestly a lot growing up with a sibling that for no fault of their own demands a lot of attention, and with an unwell parent and stressed mum. I'm not saying just tolerate his behaviour, but have you really never thought about why he's doing this? (Not that much of it sounds unusual for his age really).

Hopefully for his sake he joins the Forces.

Between the ages of 11- 16, my mum battled cancer. I spent most of my childhood worrying she would die.

I went off the rails but my parents didnt know. At age 15 I was using a fake ID, staying at my friends house (I told my parents we were watching films, her mum was very lenient and didnt care that we went out clubbing). We weren't watching films, we went out clubbing and got shit faced every Saturday night and I was hungover every Sunday morning when I went home but my parents never picked up on it.

Inside, I was in a lot of emotional pain about my mum but noone ever thought to ask me how I felt so I suppressed it. I am an only child and it felt like noone gave a crap how I felt.

I am not saying his behaviours arent concerning, but has anyone actually talked to him about how he feels about his dad and if he wants some support too? I appreciate you feel overwhelmed but as a child (and 16 still is very much a child in terms of emotional regulation) it can feel very scary and isolating when you feel terrified about losing a parent and noone stops to ask you about it. Again, this isnt excusing his behaviour, but it might be the reason for it (or part of it anyway).

I feel so sad for you OP - from your POV the situation looks like it's all his fault.

But from the outside it looks to me like his behaviour is very much the creation of the whole family dynamic. Your ds and dh's needs are a bigger part of the picture then I feel that you see.

16 year olds are still pretty much children IMO.

Whatever it takes you need to find a way to understand what he needs. Some family therapy even for the two of you might change everyone's view. But you're expecting him, on some level, to be as generous as an experienced adult.

I live with a 16 year old and it is really, really tough. They can be explosively hard work!

The forces helped me turn my life around! I was fairly lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated (although not unpleasant to my family), and I’m a different person now. Encourage the forces route 👍

Yes I would never look to my kids for comfort but when I do cry, our youngest will come and hug me. I try and manage my emotions in front of them. I have no one to talk to about this. All my friends with teenagers seem to have amazing, well adjusted young adults who are pleasant to their family.

With regard to his GCSES I offered to pay for a tutor for him, ordered a laptop (which he made me send back, talked to his teachers about a study timetable. I don't know what more I could have done. He wasn't interested. I was pleased he did well.

My own parents have no advice for me as they literally weren't with me when I was 16. They tell me just let him get on with it and he'll become normal again when he's older.

Thanks to those who've given me advice. I am listening. I am trying to do my best. Its just hard to keep trying with someone who gives you nothing back.

Exactly this. The opening line of having grown up with a severely autistic brother makes his behaviour not surprising in the least. Look up glass child syndrome.

If he doesn't say thank you for lifts, stop giving them to him.

Same as you would an adult. Natural consequences. If you facilitate him being obnoxious and continue doing things for him like this despite his outward ungratefulness then he will continue to be outwardly ungrateful.