My 16yr old boy is awful to live with and we don't know what to do anymore.

[Djinu]

He lives with me and his dad as well as his quite severely autistic brother who is primary aged. He was the most lovely child up until he was 13, kind, funny, considerate. Now he is none of those things.

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky. He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone. Then a week later we found him vaping thc in his bedroom. He was high as a kite. We threw all the paraphernalia in the bin and banned him from having access to money.

He's generally either unpleasant and totally ignores us and his brother. His brother can't remember the last time he even spoke a word to him. He doesn't get me anything for mother's day, birthdays etc despite usually having access to pocket money. He isn't kind to anyone other than his girlfriend.

He's been with her for about a year and pays for everything. If they eat out he pays (or I should say we pay as it's our money). We only found this out when we saw his bank statements. All of his Christmas and birthday money has gone on her paying for food, transport, clothes etc. So he can be generous to her but can't bring himself to speak to us.

After the vaping we sat him down and said if anyone found out we had drugs in the house then we would have SS involved with our other child. We cannot have this going on in our house. He agreed to not smoke it again. We also said he needed to be pleasant to his family and actually be part of our household.

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has. He has no redeeming features at all and I'm tired of living with someone like this. If a partner treated me like this they would have been kicked out a long time ago but because he's 16 (almost 17) then we just have to live with it.

His dad has kidney failure and needs a transplant. He doesn't have the energy for arguments so tries to just let him carry on the way he is behaving. His poor brother would love his brother even to greet him and say a few words to him.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

What am I supposed to do?

The discipline thing should have come from you. Sounds like you have been too focused on his sibling and now your partner, so didn't have time for it. He's acting out and it's all normal behaviour. He needs your time and attention now, not packed off to the army.

Vaping THC IS doing drugs...

I cannot begin to say how much I admire you for giving your son a hug and talking with him. What courage that must have taken when you are in such a bad place. You are now in a position to turn things round ... it will not all be plain sailing, but your son now knows that you love him and that is a solid foundation for moving on. You have more than a full plate but you have mustered the energy to grasp this situation.
Recognising that you may have been getting things wrong takes great courage ... well done ... respect!

A teenager should and needs respect.
Whatever the family dynamics.
He needs to get over themselves.
THC in the house how grosse.
Tell him to get his act together
Self centre little shit.
You are allowed to dislike behaviour and his gf.
Tell him to hurry up with applicstion before hes kicked out.
All this poor teen crap.
Poor Op!

Loving your update op! Showing love and kindness isn't the same as letting him get away with anything.

If you have lots of warmth between you, it makes any discipline issues about getting him back to the person you know he can be, rather than him feeling that you think he is a Bad Person and you want to push him out.

This is so positive. Amazing. It’s so great that he reacted well to this. I do think treating them with compassion and understanding works really well. Teenagers are going through a lot developmentally and when you add external pressure it’s a lot.

He sounds like such a lovely boy. Well done.

Empathy bypass for the OP? Have you any experience of living with a high needs child and a partner who can't/ won't give much support? Sounds like the OP is running on empty and was coping prior to this.

The armed forces have always been an escape route for teens and can offer a career path and support that other sectors don't. He wouldn't be entering servitude.

Re your latest updates - so pleased for you Op. All very best with new job.

You are dealing with more than your fair share of pressures, but coping with them so well - every credit.

Hats off to you & I really hope all works out for your family. Take care.

This is so lovely. Hats off to you OP- you took some of the harsher advice on the chin, and that was v brave and open of you. You're a good mum.

I really hope your relationship with your son continues to improve and that you also get the help you need (at the right time of course). Much respect.

Well done OP

Fantastic @Djinu I'm thrilled it went well.

Remember self care can be small things that aren't very expensive. A good hand cream now the winter is coming, drinking enough water, listening to a podcast (preferably a comedy to make you laugh) or audio book you enjoy instead of just putting the radio on in the car - little things that make you feel better and help you forget the stress a little

Does he know they do drugs tests in the forces? They’re pretty zero tolerance.

I've only read your posts, op, not the many replies but it sounds like you've had some wise ones.

Caring for one person can break a person, however much you love them, caring for two...

Your son is still a child although as he's approaching early adulthood he may not be that recognisable as a child anymore. I wonder if you're looking to him for support within the family unit that he isn't able to give?

You seem to hold a lot of resentment & anger towards him, and not just because of your teenage abandonment, but because you're barely holding it together as it is and why-does-he-have-to-make -it-harder for you?

Of course, he wont be doing so deliberately. He struggling. And you're projecting on to him because he's an easy outlet for your feelings.

It sounds sound as though anyone has much time for him at home. I suggest you look into local young carers services as with a terribly ill father & severely autistic brother, he would more than qualify.

I really wish people would read the updates before posting. Well done. You’ve taken the comments on board brilliantly. This goes to show you’re a great mum.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone.

Your first grave mistake. Very unwise thing to store spirits around a teenager.

Well done!!! So proud of you!! Wishing you all the best xx

You sound amazing OP, your family are lucky to have you. Glad you recognise you need to look after yourself as well.

What a lovely update.

I just like to say, it seems you have raised a well-adjusted son. I know you are concerned about the spending on his girlfriend, but again this is a credit to you. He treats his girlfriend well and we know, many young men don't!.