My 16yr old boy is awful to live with and we don't know what to do anymore.

[Djinu]

He lives with me and his dad as well as his quite severely autistic brother who is primary aged. He was the most lovely child up until he was 13, kind, funny, considerate. Now he is none of those things.

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky. He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone. Then a week later we found him vaping thc in his bedroom. He was high as a kite. We threw all the paraphernalia in the bin and banned him from having access to money.

He's generally either unpleasant and totally ignores us and his brother. His brother can't remember the last time he even spoke a word to him. He doesn't get me anything for mother's day, birthdays etc despite usually having access to pocket money. He isn't kind to anyone other than his girlfriend.

He's been with her for about a year and pays for everything. If they eat out he pays (or I should say we pay as it's our money). We only found this out when we saw his bank statements. All of his Christmas and birthday money has gone on her paying for food, transport, clothes etc. So he can be generous to her but can't bring himself to speak to us.

After the vaping we sat him down and said if anyone found out we had drugs in the house then we would have SS involved with our other child. We cannot have this going on in our house. He agreed to not smoke it again. We also said he needed to be pleasant to his family and actually be part of our household.

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has. He has no redeeming features at all and I'm tired of living with someone like this. If a partner treated me like this they would have been kicked out a long time ago but because he's 16 (almost 17) then we just have to live with it.

His dad has kidney failure and needs a transplant. He doesn't have the energy for arguments so tries to just let him carry on the way he is behaving. His poor brother would love his brother even to greet him and say a few words to him.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

What am I supposed to do?

He doesn't sound that bad to me! very typical teenage behaviour and yes, he also has trauma for having an unwell father and SN brother.

My 12 year old DD is moody and does not want spend much time with me either! I try do things with her that she enjoys, such as mini golf etc.

I feel like most of this is my fault actually

It's not, it sounds like you're doing an incredible job in difficult, stressful circumstances. Hopefully though this thread has given valuable perspective, sounds like a good plan going forward and hope all goes well. Try and make sure you're getting support too, it can be lonely when you're the only holding many parts together.

A bad mum wouldn’t post a thread about the situation
A bad mum wouldn’t take on the advice which sometimes has been harsh
A bad mum wouldn’t take her son to work
A bad mum wouldn’t try and make an effort by suggesting a few nights away together
A bad mum wouldn’t look forward to giving their son a hug
Your NOT a bad mum xx

Glad to be of service, op ;)

The book by Philippa perry, called 'the book you wish your parents had read' might be helpful and it's quite easy to read.

You basically don't have a script for what happens in parenting after sixteen as your parents abandoned you. You get to write your own script for what happens next with your son.

Don't be hard on yourself, I don't think anyone thinks you're a bad parent. A sick partner, an autistic child or a challenging teen - each of those would be enough to stress someone out and you have all three. But there is a way forward.

This is such a helpful and compassionate response.

For what it's worth, OP, I was also appalled when I read how your parents abandoned you (which you only mentioned in passing). I can't believe they left you when you were only 16, and I don't think it's at all surprising if you're feeling sensitive to rejection, and unsure of yourself, now

You're certainly not a bad mother; it's clear from all your posts that you love your son, and your current situation does sound very difficult. It would be helpful to talk it through with someone external, if you can, to get a little bit of clarity and perspective on it.

Hi Op, just curious, did he not consider going back to school or to a college to do A Levels? Is it too late for him to sign up now?

The bit about refusing a laptop etc makes me wonder if he is trying not to put a strain on family finances. Kids can make short term decisions because in their heads they are doing their bit to cut down on costs. But not going on to do his A Levels... I know it is not the be all and end all... but he sounds so bright and capable, it would be a shame not to take advantage of doing them.

Added to that, one of the side effects of weed is it sucks all motivation, which is disastrous for kids at this age. Could that have affected his decision to give up school?

PS sorry if I've got this entirely wrong.

If not, you are right, he needs something to challenge him & keep him really engaged and motivated so that he uses his time wisely and stays as upbeat about his future as possible.

We don't know what the grades are yet!

Don't give him any money.
Can't you throw him out? Ungrateful 💩

He is under severe pressure and trying to get out of his head. Of course he knows his dad is ill. He’s in an age zone which falls in between you his parents managing that, and him being admitted into the conversation as an adult. This is very hard for you, but it’s hard for him too?

This is written from the point of view of a mum of a son in the forces;my DS joined at 19;there were plenty younger than him though

He's 16. Choose your battles.

Posted too soon

Being the forces has been the absolute making of him,he enjoys both the discipline and the freedom he gets,he can live away from home but get paid for it,he enjoys the gym and sports which he gets to do both;he's made lots of friends and some very close friendships.

There's so many opportunities and joining with a trade is a great way to train in said trade for free;my son is now a qualified mechanic and has a hgv license;both are decent trades for went he leaves the army as he doesn't plan on staying forever.

Going to my DS's passing out parade was such a privilege.

'He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.'

Please ignore my earlier post about school. Classic 'didn't read the question' on my part, sorry.

This is very sad . My son acted very similar to this at 17 and he has two sisters with autism and learning disabilities.
On top of which I became carer to husband who had encephalitis ( brain injury) and had to learn to read and write again.
He was awful to his brother too who has aspbergers, didn't seem to care about his dad .
But I realised the impact all this was having on him.
He was massively affected by his siblings' issues, embarrassed about the gossip at school regarding them . He did care about his dad but didn't know how to show it. I spent some time with him talking it through , his behaviour improved a lot over time and with support, we managed to start building a closer relationship again. He had not been able to voice his unhappiness but once we got to the nitty gritty we were able to start building bridges.
He's now 32 and has a good job and is buying his first flat.

Recently he said that he loves us both , me and his dad and always will. That made me feel so proud .

He sounds like a very normal teenager, although he maybe feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff going on at home. Cut him some slack, you do seem to be very hard on him! Almost like you want rid of him- very harsh!

You are not a bad mum!!!!! The way you have reflected on these comments has been amazing!! You got this mama!!!!

He did think about A levels bit je really doesn't want to go to uni so college seemed a better option. He could still go to uni if he changed his mind. He likes the people on his course and has made a few friends which is nice.

Someone said about him refusing the laptop and maybe that was about finances. This may be true as money has been tight at times. I was desperate to pay off the mortgage due to H's health. I'm trying not to let this rule our lives anymore and have really increased my income by working more hours to ease things. Working more hours obviously brings more stress for me when I'm trying to care for 2 people but I will manage.

When son came in last night I just cuddled him and said sorry and that I've been too harsh on him and that I'm not sure what I'm doing due to my own teenage years. I've made some time this week to really sit and look at what the Forces involves and also more local apprenticeships. We have our couple of nights away and he's agreed to go bowling at the weekend. He already is reacting well to how I changed my approach.

For myself I know I need to do more for myself, exercise etc. Take some care of me to be the best mother I can be as well as for my own good. I probably do need counselling over my childhood but having just started a new job, I know it will probably result in some sort of breakdown which I can't afford to have at the moment. This thread has been very therapeutic though as I never really considered what happened to me being left as being a bad thing before.

Hi op, sending you lots of support as one mum of SEND dc to another.

A quick thought. Lots of what you’ve written made me wonder if your 16 year old might have ADHD - you mention he’s struggled to focus with study for exams, which is very typical of ADHD. Risk taking and self medicating with drugs or alcohol also very typical of ADHD. Often seems to go along with autism

I also have a significantly impacted autistic child and a sibling. We thought the sibling was NT for years. Then we realised or really others outside the house pointed out he actually had both ADHD and much more subtly presenting autism. Some of what you’ve written eg about him wanting to eat separately and about him sometime seeming to lack empathy is making em wonder if your ds is like my ds.

All the very best with this op - the one to one time sounds like a brilliant next step.

It's true. Some of them can have other drugs added to them. One of the high schools sent out emails last Christmas about this.

Please get yourself educated on what you can get added to vapes. There were two children hospitalised last year at one of the local high schools one of my DC attends.

She said thc. It can be super strong. We had kids at school caught with it when one of them collapsed after taking it.

I think you are either have unrealistic expectations of your teenager or what is more likely you are unaware of normal teenage development and this causing you grief. For a starter, most teenagers with a very rare exception are notoriously ego centric. Evolutionary they are programmed to focus on their development needs - they will be flying the nest soon! Pinching alcohol is normal. He has stopped vaping in the house. How he spends his own pocket money is none of your concern really. And you shouldn't be going through his bank statements. I appreciate you have a lot on your plate and this might be clouding your judgement. You come across as too critical of your son in relation to his stage of development. I think the sooner he moves out the better. Then you might realise what a fine young man he is

It really hasn't registered with him that his dad is really ill. I know that isn't what's making him the way he is. It's like he doesn't have feelings

I can absolutely say that this will not be the case. Teenage psychology 101 for you - they generally don't have the language or emotional awareness yet to describe how they feel and how that links to their behaviours. They often resort to displacement activities like alcohol and drugs to mask uncomfortable feelings or not have to confront them.

I'm autistic and family members have accused me of not caring or having feelings because I take a while to process things and I wouldn't necessarily burst into tears at bad news or show in my face that I am concerned or upset. I'm also very practical in how I respond to crises and cope by "doing" rather than emoting. I'm not saying your son is autistic of course, but I'm saying here that different people will process emotions differently. Gender, age and stage will be factors and there may need to be some awareness of that here.

You are clearly exhausted, and everything sounds tough. Some of his unpleasantness to you sounds very hard to take, and of course that will make you feel upset and frustrated, but it also sounds like his needs have been last in the queue for a long time, and this is how it's being acted out. It sounds like you're expecting more support and understanding from him given his age and stage than he is able to give. Perhaps he too is feeling burned out from needing to put others first, and maybe that's some common ground you have that might build some empathy between you, even if you are responding in different ways.

OP,

I was so moved to read how this thread has helped you show your son how much you love him!

You sound like an amazing mum doing so much for everyone; I'm full of respect.

All the best to you and your family and your lovely boy.

💕

It sounds really hard but I wouldn't suggest letting him slip away. Can you give him any positive feedback? If you gave him a small useful job to do (shop errand? Hoover?) would he do it? Then you could shower him with focused praise. More positive engagement might help and it won't hurt (don't mean you have to be a doormat)