My 16yr old boy is awful to live with and we don't know what to do anymore.

[Djinu]

He lives with me and his dad as well as his quite severely autistic brother who is primary aged. He was the most lovely child up until he was 13, kind, funny, considerate. Now he is none of those things.

He did pretty well in his GCSEs not through hard work but literally was lucky. He's now in college but doesn't like his course and is looking for an apprenticeship or to go in the Forces.

We recently found he'd been drinking spirits that we have in our drinks cabinet. Drinking them neat that is. We rarely drink spirits so it took us a while to notice. He was fairly apologetic about that and the spirits are now gone. Then a week later we found him vaping thc in his bedroom. He was high as a kite. We threw all the paraphernalia in the bin and banned him from having access to money.

He's generally either unpleasant and totally ignores us and his brother. His brother can't remember the last time he even spoke a word to him. He doesn't get me anything for mother's day, birthdays etc despite usually having access to pocket money. He isn't kind to anyone other than his girlfriend.

He's been with her for about a year and pays for everything. If they eat out he pays (or I should say we pay as it's our money). We only found this out when we saw his bank statements. All of his Christmas and birthday money has gone on her paying for food, transport, clothes etc. So he can be generous to her but can't bring himself to speak to us.

After the vaping we sat him down and said if anyone found out we had drugs in the house then we would have SS involved with our other child. We cannot have this going on in our house. He agreed to not smoke it again. We also said he needed to be pleasant to his family and actually be part of our household.

I honestly can't think of one positive feature that he has. He has no redeeming features at all and I'm tired of living with someone like this. If a partner treated me like this they would have been kicked out a long time ago but because he's 16 (almost 17) then we just have to live with it.

His dad has kidney failure and needs a transplant. He doesn't have the energy for arguments so tries to just let him carry on the way he is behaving. His poor brother would love his brother even to greet him and say a few words to him.

I'm already exhausted from caring for our youngest and my husband, I don't have the energy for this.

What am I supposed to do?

I think the structure of the services would be good for him, it seems he is aimless, probably bored if he is bright. Possibly seeking affection from the GF by paying for everything, may be showing off a bit that he can afford to. He may be far more worried about his DF than he is letting on, a brother who needs a lot of support and an ill father is a lot to deal with.

Is there anyone else he would talk to if he won't talk to you or your DH, uncle, GF or GM, someone close to him but not involved in the family dynamic. Pal up with the GF a bit and talk to her?

He doesn't sound bad at all, tbh. The stuff about not spending time with family, or being affectionate, is obviously not ideal, but I think it's quite common with teenagers, particularly one who clearly has a lot going on at home.

He has a part-time job.
He goes to college.
He's clearly able to be kind and maintain a functional relationship with his girlfriend
He apologised when you called him out on the spirits

Is there a way you can actually try to connect with him, without making it a big "family day out" type thing. What does he like doing? Maybe you just need one-on-one time.

There is only one thing he needs and that is for you to love him and to tell him so. Those of us who have/had teenagers have had times when our offspring feel very hard to like; but we have to love them because it is what gets them through these turbulent times.
He is doing things you do not approve of ... he is becoming an adult who will be who he will be as life goes on when this time of transition has passed. I have AC and they have turned out in unexpected ways and I love them all as the adults they have become.
Please try and stand back and examine what he has done. Are these things really so dreadful? Are they way outside of what many teenagers do? Or are you so fed up with him that everything he does feels wrong?
He is far from perfect, as we all are. He needs you to help I'm get through this time. He needs to feel valued.
Your life is very hard ... a seriously ill OH, another son with special needs .... but your oldest boy needs you. It is hard being a mum at this stage of life in particular when we are pulled in so many directions.
He will come out the other side of this. Hang on in there. Be his friend ... even when it does not feel as though he has earned this. It really is a phase he will grow out of if you stick by his side. Be firm of course, but don't dislike him.
My DDs did and said things I would not have wished, but they came out the other side and have their own families and careers now.
I am sending you lots of support. You can do this.

I meant care as in I'm a carer for 2 people in the household. Of course I do his cooking, washing etc but it's not the same as being a carer for someone. My husband is very ill so unable to do lots of the things that another adult in the house would do usually as well as everything our youngest entails.

Have you ever spoken to him about the future and who will look after his brother?

I am the highest earner in my family and was driven largely because I think I'll need to cover costs for not just me in the future but DD and my parents/Brother, teen DD is diagnosed autistic low support needs and will go to work etc but will probably need financial support to allow her to work PT.

My DBro is very similar but in his 30s and lives at home with my parents and manages a low paid PT time job, my DDad hasn't worked in decades also likely autistic both find it difficult to 'do' people both refuse to apply for state help and my mum takes up the slack with her own low paid PT work and covers the finances although they cut back and downsized as much s possible. The level of responsibility I feel to keep things ticking over for them as they age and if anything happens to my mum is crushing and I started to get an inkling that I might have to step in when I was a teen. My family ofcourse tell me not to worry and I won't have to but the pressure is still there, let alone having a high support needs sibling who presumably possibly will never live independently. Switching it all off may well feel easier.

I’m the mum of a 16 yo girl. I only have one child. But what I will say is that boys of her age may look like they have a tough exterior. But in general they’re actually pretty immature and sweet, even when they’re doing the most stupid things, a bit like overgrown puppies. Idk if that is helpful op. And as I say, if your ds is anything like my dd, he has withdrawn in order to be able to cope.

I don't think you are at all overreacting OP and by accepting unacceptable behaviour now, it may well get worse.

A couple of things stuck out for me - he eats in his room. Does he cook his own food? There is absolutely no way I would have cooked a meal for the family and allowed one member to not participate. If he wants to eat independently, allow him to cook for himself.

You want him to have the discipline of the Forces. I agree, it sounds like it would be good for him (if he could stick it). But discipline starts at home, and much younger than 16. Being rude or mean to (or ignoring) family members should be absolutely disallowed. With sanctions. Which from everything you have said means cutting down/off his allowance.

Either he is a member of the family and contributes to family life, or he is not, and therefore some of the benefits are reduced. I am sure you are very living nd caring but sadly this doesn't seem to have given him the boundaries he needs.

Do you have expectations for him? Like expecting he will be able to pay his own way when he finishes education? Like reaching educational or training goals? If you don't have expectations, it would not be surprising if he doesn't. It sounds to me that the Forces would be the making of him, unless you can find that level of discipline and routine in the home.

And the drugs thing would be a red line for me. No more allowance/lifts/other benefits until rules are made and followed.

Good luck OP.

No, I've never spoken to him about who will care for his brother. I will though and we've made financial provision for this situation already. That's a good point.

I do think more and more from reading here that he is how he is because of us and our family situation which I try and manage as well as I can. He does no housework unless you ask him to do a specific job. I try and manage everything myself.

I've messaged him and asked him if he wants to go away next month with us. He can choose where. We can have some proper time together and try and rebuild the relationship we used to have.

I know his girlfriend is his priority at the moment, I don't mind that. I just want him to be a bit nicer to us. I've offered support from the carers group for him too even though he doesn't do any caring, it must be hard on him too and maybe he does worry about his dad. He offered to be a donor for him which was so nice. Of course we turned him down.

I am reading all the comments and I'm not going to expect so much from him because of the advice I've received on here. I just want to support him but I can't have him drinking spirits or taking drugs. We have a strong family history of severe MH issues in males and THC is the last thing he needs.

I think you have had terrible advice. He has behaved terribly and betrayed your trust - and he gets a holiday of his choice?!

I do think more and more from reading here that he is how he is because of us and our family situation which I try and manage as well as I can. He does no housework unless you ask him to do a specific job. I try and manage everything myself.

Tell him what you need him to help with. He's only 16 and shouldn't be a replacement parent type role, but if he does stuff when asked then make a list or whatever as he evidently responds better to this.

maybe he does worry about his dad. He offered to be a donor for him which was so nice. Of course we turned him down.

Offering to be a donor is a huge deal, not sure how you can really question whether be worries about his dad when he offered this- he maybe just can't articulate that as well in words.

I just want to support him but I can't have him drinking spirits or taking drugs. We have a strong family history of severe MH issues in males and THC is the last thing he needs.

Just highlighting the last bit of this, something to reflect on maybe if a lot of males have MH issues?

It sounds like you're doing a great job OP, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm accusing you of anything as I'm not, but having grown up in a similar household I found it very hard to confide or share much with an already stressed parent who had enough on their plate. Maybe reach out and acknowledge that it's challenging but you're always there for him etc.

OP at the begining you said you couldnt think of any good things about him but you have listed lots. How are you coping? Have you got your own support so you can reframe this negativity ABIT.

Got great grades at school
Goes to college
Has a part time job
Seems to have a good relationship - but needs to work out the right level of being generous and not paying for everything.
Offered to donate a kidney - that's huge and incredibly selfless and shows great love
Does chores when asked
Has aspirations for the future

Negative things that need addressing
Vaping and stealing alcohol - would both be a no from me too.
Doesn't want to eat as a family - fairly normal
Avoids family situations - normal or his age, perhaps he finds going out with his DBro a struggle, is there another family member that can look after younger DS so you and he can have some 1:1 time or who can take the older one out and act as a bit of a confidant?
Forgets mother's day - he needs teaching how to gift or give him a selection of things you'd like, I give DD a list of 5 books I want to choose from and she buys me a bar of Lindt too.

That's not too bad, and on top of that most of those negatives would be entirely normal in a teen with autism if it turned out he also has it.

I came on to say exactly this. I bet you're absolutely exhausted and I am really sorry to pile this onto you as well, but it does not sound like there's any time for him at the moment at home. I wonder if you could do with some respite to give you some time (a) for yourself and also (b) to spend with your son. I agree that he's looking to his girlfriend to meet his needs.

16 is still very young. He's just a kid himself. Of course he's got feelings. He's just worked out that at the moment you don't have much space for them. I know it feels like there's no point trying to do anything nice for him because he'll be rude/surly/unappreciative, but it will mean something to him even if he can't express it in the moment.

it must be hard on him too and maybe he does worry about his dad. He offered to be a donor for him which was so nice. Of course we turned him down

I'm a bit surprised you think "maybe" he worries about his dad when he offered to be a donor for him. He's clearly scared.

@HalloweenGrinch nobody is suggesting a holiday as a reward, the poor choice he made has been addressed but it is very clear that he needs some real TLC and 1:1 due to the very stressful family circumstance both he and OP live in and if a weekend away gets them that then so be it.

It doest sound like someone who went out of their way to misbehave, who is bullying people on the streets regularly coming home drunk or high more a cry for help/attention and a child that made a mistake as for obvious and understandable reasons they werent getting the supervision and input they need.

Believe me he has already been punished for that but maybe I'm coming down too hard on him? Maybe he's behaving like this because of me and our family? I just mean a couple of nights away to try and build our relationship again.

I agree. It seems like he may need something good (and unrelated to his family) in his life that is not his girlfriend…

It is obviously possible that OP‘s DS is inherently unpleasant. But very few people are - especially at that age - and this would be the very last conclusion I’d come to.

OP’s DS seems to be naturally bright. He could be understimulated and bored.

He also lives with a disabled younger brother (who will therefore presumably need a lot of attention and resources) and a sick father. That must be difficult.

And the situation with his girlfriend may not be a case of him being polite and caring but a case of her using him.

He does a lot of exercise but spends most of his time with his girlfriend. I barely have an opinion of her tbh but don't have much respect for anyone who allows someone else to fund all of their expenses

Wow. You really hate him and everything associated with him, don't you?

You should read siblings without rivalry for the bits where the adult parents are talking about what it was like for them as children having a disabled sibling. It might increase your empathy with your son.

People can become emotionally detached in relationships which have caused them long term stress.

@Djinu I'm not sure going away as a family is what is needed here. You will no doubt be distracted by the limitations of DH and younger DS, I think both you and he need some respite from your stressful situation. Some time to be together and reconnect. Book a premier inn in London
Go watch the Play the Goes wrong or Back to the Future, eat at Shake shack, mooch around covent garden or Spital Fields market.

Can a grandparent or one of yours or DH siblings stay with the two of them for a weekend whilst you two go away

He seems to have a lot of power?
He won't let you buy him a laptop?
You ask him to join you for fiver but he eats upstairs?
He won't speak to anyone

I realise he's 16 and on his way to adulthood but I have a 16 year old and she is told to eat downstairs with us, in your shoes I'd have just bought the laptop and said it's to help with school. I would be refusing to do his cooking/cleaning /washing if he is refusing to simply acknowledge family members and be a part of the family.

I'm not saying harsh consequences, just boundaries because a lack of enforcing this gives the impression of a lack of care. Most teens would spend all day in their room including meal times if left to their own devices. Like pp said if they don't feel love they detach even more.

I agree with this. I think your ds needs some 121 time with you if at all possible op. He needs to be seen as a priority just sometimes.

He's a young carer with a disabled sibling and parent.

It's known these children can go off the rails.

Have a look at what your council offers for young carers. He needs support.

I'm usually the first to say consequences for actions but he needs love and attention. With all the will in the world you can't give it when caring for 2 people.

And your post is all about how he doesn't interact with his brother. He probably feels like he has to just get on with it being the well one with no needs.

It's no one's fault and it's a very common situation.

You say he has no redeeming qualities, which is a really sad view of your own son, but from what you’ve said, he’s done well in his GCSEs, he has a girlfriend he’s kind to, a part time job and plans for the future. Some parents would be thrilled with that. To me he sounds like a very independent lad who is also acting like a relatively normal teen.

While you have a lot to deal with ,it sounds like you expect a lot from him and perhaps have not been good at communicating to him that you love him… I presume his needs have come last and because he doesn’t present as having ‘needs’ you have expected him to just turn out ‘well’ with possibly not a lot of emotional input or support. Albeit because you’ve not had much to spare but that’s really not his fault.

There's a book called ' Helping Mothers be closer to their sons' by Tom Golden which might be worth a read. Its quite short and easy to read.

I think others’ are right in that his needs are lost amongst his dad and brothers’ needs. You are mistaken if you think he will be unaffected by having a sibling with high needs. And two people in a family of four is a lot.

But such is life - I think at this point you need to rebuild your relationship with him as much as you can. Get him to the army careers office asap so he knows more about that. Also I think you should spend time with him just you and him so he has a space with you that doesn’t involve a sibling with high needs.
The vaping etc you are right and I agree with you a firm line is really important.
I would insist he eats with the family. And I wouldn’t give him food otherwise!! no food in bedrooms.

There are also some positives here - he has a girlfriend, who he treats well, and he has done well at his GCSEs which is no mean feat. And a job!

You’ve done well by him. Despite some challenges. Be kind to yourself, and kind to him (but not soft!).
sending you a big hug. My youngest brother was a nightmare at this age. Awful.. drugs etc. My parents’ were at wits end. It was ok in the end!! He went abroad for a couple of years and it was the making of him. The services could be that for your son.
xx

I would pull him in and hold him tight if I were you. There will be a time where it's too late for this, you haven't hit it yet and the relationship & his future are salvageable. A friend of mine many years ago threw her 16 year old out when she found out he had taken cannabis (casually with friends) instead of working with him. He is now mid 30s and deep in the midst of heroin addiction. A lot of really bad things have happened to him over the years and of course that extends to the family.