DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

I really sympathise with how you are feeling but you are projecting a lot onto this situation that isn't there. He hasn't rejected you, he hasn't chosen his Dad over you, he isn't lost to you. You are catastrophising.

However absent and useless his father has been, he is an important character in his life. He has a need to know his father. To deny this need in order to preserve your feelings would be actively harmful to him - that cannot be what you want.

He will discover if he is useless and not worthy of a relationship himself. Respectfully, this isn't what you should be hoping for. It will be much better for your son if he can foster a meaningful loving relationship with his Dad. That doesn't have to mean pushing you or his stepdad out - but that could be the result if you make him feel as though he has to choose.

If his Dad lets him down again, this could be a very difficult time for your son. Please support him fully, and I mean really fully - set aside your selfish desire for this relationship to fail (I say that without judgment it's very understandable but it is not good for your son). Put your son first in this. No guilt trips and no I told you sos.

As i said , it ia natural to feel upset however the OPs post about wanting to die are emotionally abusive. I have a super close relationship with my mother and i speak to her every single day. She would have been upset when i moved to Oz for a year, moved 100 miles away for college as a 17 year old and lived in Belgium and Germany. My mother stifled her upset. Parents should raise tbeir children to be independent. The OPs reactions are not healthy.

You say it's not like he's moving out - but it is.

He's moving to the person who hasn't been a parent to him - and maybe it's a step to independence

And maybe (probably) he'll move back in with you when he realises what a good deal he had at yours

Did you move to Oz overnight? With no warning for your DM? Did you move to college with no warning for your DM?

OP’s done the lion’s share of parenting for so many years, I absolutely understand the shock she’s feeling when the son she’s parented for so long has chosen to live with the father who hasn’t been a great dad.

It hurts.

It’s completely different.

For Gods sake how can OP be emotionally abusive when she hasn't even said it to her son - she said it in on here! Honestly some people have no empathy whatsoever

Ahe said im her original post that.she apologised to her son for her reaction

You are over reacting, making this a personal thing, like he didn't pick you as favourite.
Perhaps as he has already had 18 of living with you, he would like a chance to live with his other family while still young enough to be at home?

Just because he is living else where doesn't mean you need to act like he is a boyfriend breaking up with you.

Give home live and space, show your other kids living at home that you can handle big feelings like a grown up, and in time it won't be such a big deal.

If you make it so dramatic, he won't feel comfortable coming around as he won't want to see you upset over a choice he has made.

Her general reaction yes.

No you are right i didnt move with no warning but did move away and didnt see them for a year at a time. This was pre social media and contact was a lot more limited. I am sure the OP will hace a lot more contact witb her son if she drops the hysterics. Its not fair on him. She has done a good job raising him and he wont forget it ... unless hes made to feel like he has abandoned her and waterworks each time he visits. I am not minimialsing the fact that she has raised her son but ahe needs to play the long game.

I am not heartless and i do have empathy for the OP as a mother however as a mother I am saying she will push her son away If she continues this. Look.at the language she uses in her post. Pure catastrophizing and poor me. Shes allowed to feel upset thats only natural. Its the wanting to die thats really bugged me. She is not visiting his grave like other grieving mother.

Ps the OPs.son is moving local as the pub he will be working at is between the 2 houses.

I'm sure if feels like a kick in the teeth.

You have been the solid, reliable parent who has supported him and been there for him.

And he decides that he wants to go live with the useless decker who wasn't there for him.

It's not a rejection of you.

It's an 18 year old wanting to try things in life.
He's never done it before and wants to see what it's like.
Maybe he thinks it will bring him closer to his dad.
Maybe he loves the ideas of his step brothers.
I'm sure he loves his sisters but boys are boys.

Let him try it.
Let him know that you love him and will miss him.
That you would appreciate him calling in often.
That his room is always there for him.

Anything over that. I really hope you enjoy it isn't the right approach. It will only push him away. If if he thinks he'll be met with a "I told you so" if it doesn't work out,will make him reluctant to reach out to you if he isn't enjoying it.

Teenagers need freedom to make their own choices and mistakes (if it tuns out to be one). They experiment snd they grow and learn.

My ds moved in with his dad by stealth at 14, went for part of the school holidays & never came home. Like you, I was heartbroken & it was very difficult because he didn't speak to me for 3 months but I didn't know what I had done wrong. A year later, I got a phone call begging me to pick him up, his dad had thrown him out for speaking up about the way exh had abused me & telling him he knew about him raping me. Although he sees his dad now, things have never been the same again with him. We are closer than ever now even though he is married & no longer living with me.

I would suggest you tell him when his phone plan ends so he can find another. I hope you don't pay his insurance.

She said she was crying for hours and hours, surely her family would be aware of this even if her son wasn’t?

Thank you this is useful

I actually think it was quite rude of your son to come home from the holiday and announce to you he's suddenly off that night. I'd be most unimpressed. My youngest son would have definitely asked me and been thoughtful about it , maybe saying what he wanted to do but asking me about what I thought and planning it first , wouldn't have just dropped it as a bombshell. He would just never do that it's a bit disrespectful so I can see you would have been thrown in several ways about it.
My eldest son was less mature and more selfish in some ways and prone to peer pressure so can imagine he could have done that impulsively.

She said, in the first post, that she "lost her shit" with/at her son.

My ds moved to love with his dad when he was 14. His dad is a dick and I couldn't understand it. It hurt like hell and I cried a lot.
But he's stayed in touch and he's now 19 and pretty much moved back home.

You have to let them make their own life choices. Yes his dad is a dick but he still their dad and they want to see the best in him and love him.

You have to pull yourself together.

He’s 18. This isn’t a judge worthy situation in your part. Anyone with sense will see a young man doing what’s natural - exploring a relationship with his father and brothers. It’s important for boys to do this. I think he’s been really selfish to leave you abruptly, but he probably doesn’t realise that. I really don’t think this is a rejection of you at all.

I actually moved in with my shit dad as a teen, wanting to see what “the other side” was like. It only took a few months for me and I was out again. He has to see it for himself. If he really is a terrible person, it won’t go swimmingly.

Yes, because a mature, emotionally healthy adult response to a child going to live with their other parent as an adult is definitely to cut off any financial support as a punishment 🙄

If OP was planning to ask her son to start paying it once he started working that's different - and entirely fair for a working, earning adult to pay for their own phone. But to do it as a knee jerk reaction to this in a tit for tat way is just childish.

I think OP I would have a measured conversation either him about this now.
Explain you had a terrible shock and the tears avg ? Anger were in responded to this. Not just that it was a sudden thing but the way he went about it. Explain you would rather he were based at home and at dads say the weekend or whatever but if he wants to move over 100% you will be there if he wants to chat about moving back in or sharing between the two.
He's 18 - what in yr 13 or finished school ? Plans for further education etc ?

He's finished y13 in June

I mean forgive me but generally speaking 18 year old males are not mazes of complexity. He may well have concluded a more laissez faire household will make it easier to - for example - bring a girl home. Or get drunk, or both at the same time! Teenagers possess optimism but not wisdom.

But I don't get the sense that the original author was seeking to understand her son's actions, and instead created the thread hoping to find people to back up her unreasonable reaction.

Again, I wish to be kind but the multiple references to having "paid out thousands" for her son's upbringing, even if not directly expressed to him, sit uncomfortably with me. These are unhealthy and controlling thoughts.

He's 18. He can make his own choices. It sucks, but let him make his own decisions.

He will soon be back. Just wait patiently