DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

All that’s important is that your son has a good relationship with his dad as well as with you and his family. It seems you have done very well to facilitate that so far, knowing what you know about your ex.
The more good relationships he is able to maintain, the better for his future.

Honestly OP, as much as I can understand how this feels like a rejection for you, it really really isn’t at all.

He is just branching out because he’s 18. That’s the natural order of things. It’s just the first step to becoming fully independent. He is using his dad as a safe stepping stone to whatever comes next for him.
Your son has to make his own decisions now and correct his own mistakes, -fine tune his judgement.

You can’t do his growing up for him, if you want him to succeed in life.

With your heart full of love, let him go and do this. It’s his dad whatever you think of him.
Try to be glad for him a tiny bit if you can. It’s his time to try life out without his mum looking over his shoulder, guiding him - like every good mum does.

He just needs a bit of freedom and you need to have faith in him.
Let him experience that wonderful feeling of coming home again for his favourite meal when you all make a fuss of him and look forward to hearing his news.

He's been away on holiday with his Dad and had a great time while he was there. The reality has yet to hit him - of living with someone who wasn't around too much while he was growing up.
Just leave the door open for him - as others have already suggested - have him home for tea one evening or Sunday dinner and keep including him on the usual family activities and traditions that he knows and used to share in. So Birthday celebrations, fireworks - all the stuff you used to do. It will become his safe haven when things aren't quite right with his Dad. Who knows - he may come home or he may move on to a house share or his own mortgage - just be supportive for him.

You are making this all about you. What you are losing, what you feel about his Dad etc, he is an adult who has chosen to get to know his other parent and step siblings better. He’s moved out because you sound like a picnic short of a sandwich if this is your (over) reaction. You say you’ve done everything for him, well perhaps he wanted to do some things for himself for a change. Kids learn, young adults learn, we all do. Instead of being a drama llama, just invite him round for dinner one night in a couple of weeks and ask him how his new job is going.

oh, and if this is the reaction you are showing your girls, you are either going to end up with them ruining out the door as soon as they are 18 or never leaving home for fear that you might off yourself.

sorry, no sympathy.

This is so overly dramatic. Good parents don’t dump all their emotional baggage on their kids like this. Be pleased he’s got a job and will get some independence of sorts.

At 18 he's an adult and can live where he pleases.

As devastating as this is, he'll see his dad for shat he is.

Bide your time and all will be well.

That's your problem, you judge. You are self, self, self. I'm finding it difficult to believe what you say about ex..

I wouldn’t say he has rejected you or chosen his dad over you.

He has been offered an opportunity to get to know his dad and half brother better with a job nearby.

He is an adult, you’ve raised him. He’s not a child anymore.

You said you never told your DS anything but neutral things about his dad, so he has literally NO IDEA that his dad is any of the things you have called him. He is going to find out the hard way as you haven’t warned him and yet are acting like he knows and is choosing to go to that.

I’d wish DS well. I’d say there’s always a place for him with you.
And start letting go of your DS the child and thinking of him as your adult son.

It’s hard to do that, it’s not easy. That’s where some of the emotions are coming from that he is grown up.

You have to love your son MORE than you hate his father. No one is going to judge you because he has gone to live with him. He just wants to get to know him on his own terms. It doesn’t mean he’s chosen him over you, he just wants time to formulate his own feelings.

I would be devastated op , I don’t think my 18 year old is an adult at all and I’d say he’ll be back when the shine rubs off living there.

I said upthread that I think op sounds like a lovely caring mum who is nevertheless going through a selfish moment, and I still think so.

I have/had a terrible waster of a dad who emotionally abused my mum and buggered off when I was a baby, only ever reappearing to shout at my mum. He was generally awful.

One of the worst things he used to do was tally up all the money he'd ever spent on me and my DSis and make out that was money that my mum owed him (!)

I managed to repress that memory for ages until I read this thread.

I feel your pain. However my daughter is 17, and had suddenly decided to stay at her older boyfriend’s house (not his parents, his own) and never come home. This was 3 nearly 4 weeks ago! I’m devastated too. And in shock, but I have to just let her do her thing. I can’t control her. So I speak to her daily and text night each night. She responds straight away, and she seems very happy watching their box sets and him paying for her hair extensions etc. what can I do?! What can we do?! We have to let them do their thing and pick up the pieces if/when we need to. X

When he starts to live at his dad’s he might see the real dad. Your son could be back at yours sooner than you think.

Totally get that you’re really sad about your son moving in with his father. But bear in mind that he will be able to see all the shitty things about this person that you have never been able to tell him. Try not to make him feel bad and leave the door open if he wants to return home to the family. It is incredibly hurtful when a child seemingly disappears without a backwards glance but he will have the opportunity to see his father for what he is like firsthand and if he is as tight fisted and unpleasant as you say he will be able to figure that out for himself- bright and breezy is the way to go moving forward, hard as that may seem, don’t make him feel guilty, he won’t want to expose himself to feeling bad about how you feel, teens aren’t known for their empathy especially, but best of luck to you, it is so hard when your children leave.

Mine wasn’t sadly.

It was a surprise move. He left his grammar school, all agreed with his DF and moved to live with him 50 minutes away.

Got a job with dad’s mate.
I wasn't happy and still think he has thrown away his opportunities.

Although it hurt I did sit down with him and consider the pros and cons. I supported him to pack up.

He moved in with his DF & and his wife (OW).
Then my DS’s GF also moved in.

I suspect that was more than his DF and his wife had bargained for and within a couple of months his DF had ‘given’ him a house. Only him, not our other DC’s ( which caused more unrest between siblings...but then a year later a mortgage followed for a house our DS didn't choose or want).

At just short of 18 he and his GF were living together in a hovel, in an awful area. Very different from his uni plans.

I have had to accept it. His choice. I do think his DF used him, as he always threatened, that my DC’s wouldn't want me as they got older.

DS has never really got back on track. His relationship with his GF broke down, very much ‘too much too soon’ . His job is ok, still with the same mate of his dad, but so much wasted potential.

We have rebuilt a relationship and I see him maybe once a month but we never talk about this. I still don't know why he made the choices he did and even if he did regret it, he would never admit it.

I am sad though.

@SachaLane how long ago was this? I mean your ds is still very young. He has many choices ahead of him. Nothing is undoable.

@SachaLane

I'm sorry

What an awful person your ex is

It's still early says hope you can rebuild things

@SachaLane It’s hard. I feel for you. 🌺

I wouldn't worry OP. Your son's dad seems like an a**hole. Your son probably doesn't realise it yet but he will one day. It will probably all sink in, once he's grown up a bit how much work and effort you and your husband put into raising him and how little his dad did. I've got my own children now and live in a different country to my family and only recently realised how great my mam was as having kids is tough. Living with his dad might just seem fun for now but he'll be back.

Hopeful after a few weeks your son will realise his biological dad is not as good as he thought and will want to come home 🤞. I totally understand why you’re sad - I would be too in your position.

Sounds to me like your son wants to hang out with his stepbrothers. Cheer up mom; your baby boy is growing up.

Hi OP I'm so sorry you're feeling so upset ☹️ it's a crap situation and I can see after everything why you're upset.

He's 18 let him get on with it. Once he realises how good he has it at your home he may well be straight back. Let him live with his dad and see how he gets on, and make sure he comes home for family time with his sisters x

He has probably been promised all sorts by dad on holiday of how it will be at his house. No idea of the reality. So step back let him go and see how it works.
This bit. Holiday dad. Yes, let him find out for himself how wonderful his dad and his dad's life really is. Leopards don't change their spots. He might very well want to bond with step brothers but keep calm and be there for when he wants to move back, having found out how much sewage is needed to keep that grass green on that side of the fence.

I can also see why this is a massive blow.

In the absence of any issues at home, it's likely that he's just had a really fun holiday, gained a closer relationship with his stepbrothers and during the holiday together they've had a bit of a bro-mance/lad time holiday.

I'd take a guess that this decision has a whole heap less to do with his Dad and more to do with the fun of hanging out with his stepbrothers i.e. similar aged lads who are into similar things etc.

Honestly OP, handled the right way and I reckon he'll be back by Christmas. All you need to do is remain cheery and light when you see him - big hugs, huge smiles, excitement to hear what he's been up to.

My guess is - something will happen, something in the relationship with his stepbrother - they'll get in a fight/argument/ something like that (which is inevitable when living with someone) and very suddenly living at his Dad's won't feel like 'his home' anymore.

So as long as you don't build in any obstacles for him to overcome (pride/ego/shame on his part) I think he'll be back.

Of course, all this is a guess - but if there's no wider issues for him at your house, then I doubt this has anything much to do with living with his Dad and everything to do with the lure of an older Stepbrother, and a new job.

That's just 18yrs olds - they go where the party is, and where the fun is and the minute the 'party' ends - they come home. I don't think he's gone to live with his Dad in the way you think. I would hazard a guess that his Dad hasn't been a huge factor at all in this decision.

I'm am outsider, don't know the whole story but that's just my initial gut reaction to it.

Like try and imagine you're 18yrs again - your parents are divorced. At home you have two teenage brothers who while you love them are still kinda annoying to you, at your other parents house you have 2 similar aged stepsisters - you've just had a brilliant holiday with them and one of them can get you a job working with her. You think she's super glamorous/fun/clever - whatever the lure would have been for you. In an evening you drink cocktails, and belly laugh at jokes. During that holiday she's been saying - why don't you come and live with us! It all sounds so exciting, doesn't it? But the minute that relationship turns even the slightest bit sour - what would you want to do? Go back home, where it's safe, to your bedroom, and your annoying brothers.....

That's what I think has happened for him in reverse and that's why I think he'll be back. So it's on you to keep your relationship with him a safe one, so that he can easily come home.

Maybe for whatever reason he doesn't, but in a few months you'll have adjusted too after this initial period of shock.

I guess overall stop looking at it as a huge rejection to you, your family and your parenting - like he's made a choice between his Mum and his Dad because in the words of an 18yr old 'it's just not that deep'.....

I honestly think he's made a snap decision off the back of a fun holiday. The fact he's bolted so quickly kinda tells me this is a FOMO situation.

I totally understand why you are feeling devastated.
You sound like a wonderful mum.
DC often don't appreciate what it takes to bring them up and care for them, certainly not at 18.
As others have said, be strong and stay calm. Tell him you're sad but excited for him. Make it so he wants to come and visit not feel guilty at how much he's hurt you.
It will be tough to do this but keep it light and fun, be supportive and don't judge his choices.
I would expect that once the novelty has worn off and reality of his new living arrangements set in he will be back. But let him come to that decision himself.
Meanwhile focus on what a great mum you are to raise a child who can be this independent and brave.

He’ll soon realise it’s not the same as being at home with you and will come back with his tail
between his legs. His Step Mum won’t run around after him doing everything you do (assuming you still do his laundry etc). They’ll likely expect him to pay board, I’m guessing you don’t as you want them to save for their future etc. I can understand it’s upsetting but kids don’t really understand what a Mum does for them when their Dad has been pretty much absent most of their lives, they’re use to it and think it’s normal, this may make him appreciate what he has right now. He’s going to go anyway, just make him feel like he can come back anytime rather than him feeling like he needs to prove a point and stay with his Dad.