DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

You need to calm down. You are going to push him away. He's going to sense all this from you and make it harder to say it's no parking when he eventually sees his dad clearly.

Give your adult son time and space to make his own choices. Support his choices and be there for him if it all goes tits up.

It's a good life lesson for your son. He needs to make choices and learn from them whether they work out or not.

I can't comprehend your crying for 8 hours continuously because your son has moved down the road. He has not died, he is making choices. Good or bad it's good he's making them.

In any case, I do completely understand your feelings OP, and I would suggest biding your time. Life in your ex's house is probably not going to be as rosy as your ds thinks and he may return. In the meantime, I'd invite him over for dinner every week and keep his room how it is so that he can easily come back.

STOP!
you are looking at it entirely wrong,your 18 year old adult son has made n adult decision nd needs your support not your emotional drama. You are in line to cause a helluva load of ill feeling if you continue to take this as a personal rejection and some sorta kick in the teeth.
leave the door open. thats fine
but for goodness sake- make it about him,not you.you raised a child,presumebly capble of making decisions. if anything theres more of a safety net at box room in dads(regardless of whtchu think of him) than total random house share.
As a mum whos son left at 17 for uni, I know the coming to terms with them flying the nest hits like a brick. BUT unless he specifically stated is cos he hates you..hes doing this for him.and thats ok.

This reaction is unhinged and absolutely none of it seems to be focused on DS's best interests. Your main concerns seem to be that your ex doesn't "deserve" DS (like he's a fairground toy that you won!) and you seem extremely possessive over him, and your own judgemental assumptions about mothers who have kids living with their Dads coming back to bite you.

I'm not sure whether this needs professional help or you just need to pull yourself together and stop with the histrionics, but it's one of the two.

You hate your ex, don't consider him to have been a good father and have many axes to grind about it. You think his stepdad is his Dad. DS feels differently.
You think people will judge you because your adult child is staying at his Dads. Most people aren't as narrow-minded as you have been.
You think your son will stop spending time with you and his sisters because he's staying at his Dads. Are you intending on destroying the relationship or do you think it's commonplace for sons to randomly go NC with their mothers for no reason?

You've listed out all the things you've done for him. Bought him cars, phone contract, whatever else.

You can't buy a child's love. Stop doing things for validation just to say you've been the one to do it.

Get a grip of yourself woman. The more you update the more I can see why the poor lad left.

I am saying all this not because I think I can "buy his love" but because I'm the only parent that HAS done/paid for this stuff as his other parent has not !!

But it does sound transactional, you bought stuff so you think you're entitled to his life. Maybe he just wants to get to know his dad better, hang out with his step brother and friends, he's 18, let him go.

Honestly just let him know you love him and that he can come back any time. I'd ask him to come for dinner soon and keep it light and jolly. Let him see for himself what it's like with each parent.

His dad can take over paying for his phone contract for a start.

I get you are feeling really emotional. But your son is making a decision that you can't alter.

Are you keeping his room as us? Has he mentioned that?

You don't seem to be reflecting much on what people are saying to you though. I get that you're upset and venting but are you taking any of this on board?

Yeah I will do, it will just be kept available so it's free if he ever wants to come back or even just to stay over ever

That’s all very well, but don’t you think it’s a bit of a slap in the face for OP - having always been there for her DS and funded and facilitated everything that her DS has decided he’d prefer to live with the parent who’s done sod all for him? It’s not transactional at all - it’s a stab in the heart.

OP - bide your time. He may well return if you don’t pressure him or anything.

@AderynBach

Yes i am I've re read everything

And appreciate all the helpful advice x

@2kah

That’s all very well, but don’t you think it’s a bit of a slap in the face for OP - having always been there for her DS and funded and facilitated everything that her DS has decided he’d prefer to live with the parent who’s done sod all for him? It’s not transactional at all - it’s a stab in the heart

^^ this is what I mean exactly

Only you said it more articulate than I can

It's not a stab in the heart. It's a young man who wants to try living with his dad.

Forgive me but I find this a bit bizarre. "funded and facilitated everything" - yes, that is your responsibility as a parent. And it is meant to be unconditionally given, not to create an obligation that a child can "owes" the parent once they are an adult.

This young man will have his own reasons to have made this decision, and like any 18 year old, it may not be the wisest choice by a rational measure, but it's his to make.

I wish to be kind to the poster, but the tone of messages are entirely about her own feelings with seemingly little attempt to understand the point of view of her adult child. This might be a better place to start!

I was strong willed as an 18 year old and if my mother had attempted to dictate my life choices "because she bought me a car" - (happily, she would never have patronised me like that) - I'd have politely told her to b--gger off.

I hear your pain but you do need to have a cry and then gently, get over it. If you don’t, it will be hard to hide and it will damage your relationship with your son.

He is 18 and entitled to start building on an adult relationship with his father. This is absolutely no reflection on you. He has seen an opportunity and taken it. You’re making this about you but really, he’s just maturing into an adult and making decisions for himself. You’ve raised a son who clearly feels secure in his own choices and you must not punish him for wanting to live with his dad.

with kindness, please pull it together and just be neutral. “Your room is always here, darling. Are you coming to Nan’s birthday on Sunday?” Casual and neutral. If his dad remains as useless as he’s always been, your son will need you more than ever. He’s not doing anything wrong. His relationship with his dad is separate from your relationship with your ex. Please don’t let your emotions get the better of you. I’m willing to bet my house that he just wants new experiences in life and that it’s no reflection on his love for you.

it will get easier if you let this go ahead without saying a word or making a sound or pull a negative face.

🙄🙄🙄 at all the people pretending they would be oh so cool with their son going to live with a 'father' who hasn't actually been a good father at all, a man who has only done the bare minimum of parenting, has been absent at times, hasn't paid for his own child over the years, has a history of emotional, financial and physical abuse, who has been controlling and isolating, who they think may only want their child for money and whose family sound awful. Yeah, no big deal. Ffs.

In OPs situation, I'd feel extremely worried that my child chose to live with someone like that, as well as feeling very sad for me, my other children and my husband that are the people who actually care about his wellbeing and have been there for him over the years.

Having recently been in the same situation as OP (albeit DD1 was slightly younger at 17), I can see 'both sides' of this. Though I think some posters have been amazingly harsh on the OP.

It was a huge shock to me - literally no lead up/build up (not like a planned moving out for Uni/work etc) - just got told by ExH that she would be living with him now.

Having spent the last near on 12yrs doing everything for my DCs after he left, comforting them when he was 'working' on a Friday night out and 'couldn't' pick them up when he should have done, fighting for years to get DD1 her ASC diagnosed, giving up my career to care for them and taking a more junior role to fit around them (while his career benefitted by not having childcare responsibilities), earning less now than I did 20yrs ago, doing the 'boring' things like homework, spellings, timestables etc that he could never be bothered with and having him turn up EOW like a Disney dad without the responsibilities - yes it felt like a kick in the teeth.

But, I could also see it from her point of view. He's been the fun one EOW for 12yrs, the higher earner (since he left) and able (because of his job) to give her wonderful experiences that would have bankrupted me but were free for him to provide, she can't remember much about him being with us as a family before he left, she told him (quite recently) that she felt he abandoned her. I can really see why she wants to try this and live with him. My job as mum is to suck it up, keep the comms open and reassure her that it's absolutely okay for her to do this and that I'm okay with it. Yep, it hurt like hell, did my share of crying when her siblings were also with their dad, but my DP (who's been like a dad to her since a year after ExH left) is the only person who knows.

Luckily, the lady he left for is absolutely amazing with my DCs. So although I don't really trust him with the life admin related to having children (and he's screwed up twice just this week), I know that she will always look after my DD as though she was her own. And to be fair, that's all I can ask.

Your son is an adult and will form his own opinions about his father, it’s hard, but his experience of the man may well be different to yours and you have to respect the fact that he can make choices that you don’t like..

Your post is clearly about your overwhelming feelings of loss and there are lots of threads about adult children moving on and the distress that can cause which you might find useful.

Your patent loathing of your ex has coloured your judgement and for your own sake you need to try to let that go. Your son needs to feel it isn’t a case of either / or so presenting a neutral face to him makes it easier to come back. Sadly we don’t get to live our lives entirely on our own terms and if you want a relationship with your son you need to develop a rational response to the situation.

I'd be worried about my son too in that situation.

But that's not what op is saying. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't read like she's worried he'll be unhappy or neglected at his Dad's.

Its sounds like she'd be more disappointed if he was happy there.

That's really unfair on OP.
I was distraught when my daughter went... it also depends how close you were..when you have that bond... you know. Mother and child...no matter the age. They always come back one way or another..i think OP feels empty and sad. I was the same..but it gets better and yes you do have to leave your kids to make their choices but make them aware youll always be there for them. Doors always open.
OP is upset and we do miss our kids being around the house..but it gets better OP . Keep yourself busy OP... cinema, gym, walk with earphones upbeat music, long bath chilling..anything.

I was distraught when my daughter went... it also depends how close you were..when you have that bond..

What are you implying? That mothers who don't cry for 8h straight, wanting to die, when their adult DC move out... just weren't close to their kids? Don't have a good bond?

It's not a good thing to be clingy and possessive of your kids.